Judgmental Parents

If it were me, I'd postpone the engagement until after graduation or at least at a point where you are living together on your own & paying all of your own bills. Then regardless if they are disapproving or whatever, it won't affect your financial stability.

It became your life decision when you became an adult.

Fwiw, I'm a faithful Christian.

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I agree, but the only problem with that is again the traditional Christian beliefs of not living together until married, and I agree with it as well. That being said, him and I won't be moving in with each other until after we are married, whenever and however long away that is unfortunately. It makes things way more difficult.

Forgot to say, if your aren't ready to own your choices fully, you aren't ready to be married.

You will be able to make the decision for yourself whenever you decide to. I understand you don’t want to disappoint your parents, but part of being an adult sometimes is knowing you’re making the right choices for you and that not everyone will see it that way.

If I were you, I would sit them down and explain that you and your FS do have plans to get engaged and get married and you’d like to better understand their concerns. I’d want actual answers and examples of the issues they have with him instead of just “he doesn’t treat you right”.

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Thank you, I appreciate the comment back! You're right. I guess it's hard for me to see that considering I still live with them. I feel as if they still see me as a child sometimes, which I guess is understandable.

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Then living on your own, but independently. It's a lot harder for parents to be okay with marriage when they are still financially supporting their child, since they don't fully see them as an adult at that point.

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I agree. Thank you!

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I agree. Thank you so much! It's incredibly intimidating going to them because they're both incredibly short-tempered people. I will keep this in mind and try to see if both of us can sit them down.

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That's not the case at all, but I appreciate your opinion. I can own my choices, and I choose him. But when you are a student in nursing school who cannot financially support yourself yet, and both of your parents are incredibly short-tempered people, it can be intimidating. I do fully own my choices, I am just here seeking advice as to how I can address them with two complicated people.

Thanks.

So I can definitely relate a lot to you, except that my family is Muslim, not Christian, but the same conservative principles applied to me.

Even though I was an adult, when I lived under their roof I had to abide by their rules. There was no way around it. I was 22 and still had a before midnight curfew, had to keep them posted on where I was, etc. Luckily I was in school out of state, but when I came home it felt like a switch was flipped and I was back to being 10 again.

I actually never told my parents that we were dating. And when I graduated and found a job, I didn't tell my mom (the most conservative parent) that I was planning on moving in with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé. You have to set ground rules and have your own independence, but at what cost? That's up to you. I knew that if I told my mom then what I was planning on doing, that it would all blow up, and I didn't see a problem with just keeping it from her and keeping my life separate. It's my life and she isn't entitled to all the details.

I know that you're talking about marriage, and not moving in together, but it's kind of the same comment. She doesn't have to know that you're thinking about marriage. You're still young, and even if you got engaged right now, I imagine the wedding would be a few years off as you both try to get stable jobs and figure yourselves out. I don't think that you need to have unnecessary fight over it. That being said, her disrespecting your boyfriend is a problem, and I would just let them know that you don't appreciate what they're saying.

Sorry this is so long! My last piece of advice is to move out. Grab a few girlfriends and get a cheap apartment. It's so much easier to start being your own person when you don't live with your parents. You'll find that you can actually say "no" and "this is my life" without feeling guilty.

Good luck!

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Thank you SO much. All of that relates to my situation so much! If we were to get engaged now, we would not get married for a few years due to financial reasons. I do however need to find a way to move out, because as long as I'm living with them I feel like if I kept things from them I would be dishonest with them which would hold a lot of guilt. Thank you so much this helped a lot.

View Quoted Comment Owning your choices means going to your parents and letting them know of your plans, and accepting the consequences. Keep things simple, don't worry about short tempers. Just tell them.

It may mean that you'll need to rent a room from someone and/or slowing your education down so that you can afford to take care of yourself. It could also mean choosing to live with your fh as "brother and sister", with separate bedrooms and maintaining your standards regarding your physical intimacy. It may mean just going and getting married at the courthouse or you pastor's office.

Whatever it means for you, just own it.

It has, and always will be your decision. However, that decision can come with repercussions you need to be prepared for. They might of gotten defensive because they thought y'all were talking about getting married now while y'all are in school, and they think it is too soon. It isn't abnormal for parents to want their kids to finish school and get a little life experience before marrying someone. No matter how much they like them. If you are adamant about getting engaged now, then be prepared for them not to support your decision and that might lead to you having to find your own place. Or you can wait until after school, which I can imagine would be best for everyone involved. If y'all love each other than there is nothing wrong with waiting. Trust that your parents know some things. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I realized just how much my mom was right about things I used to think she knew nothing about.

Who would be paying for the wedding? If you can't afford to live on your own now, how are you going to afford to live on your own as a married couple? You certainly need to make this decision for yourself, however, it seems like this might not be the best time to get married. It sucks to have to prolong it (I also am a Christian and won't be living with FH until after our wedding), but there are definitely a lot of things to consider, timing wise. However, you are an adult. It is your decision, and yours alone who you marry. Unless your parents have jusitifiable concerns for your safety or well-being marrying this person, their opinion does not need to direct your life. I think a lot of us from old-school Christian backgrounds that are still engaged and active with the Christian faith struggle with the line between respecting our parents but being autonomous adults, especially when you still live "under their roof," a phrase I am WAY TOO familiar with! .

I kind of was in the same boat as you. My parents were very strict Christians. However, in my junior year in college, I got a job that paid enough for me to move out of my parents house and I moved in with my then boyfriend, now fiancé whether they liked it or not. They didn’t like it at all. My dad didn’t talk to me for a year and a half. It’s gotten better, but he barely still talks to me. Rarely reaches out. But when I see him in person, he’s civil. My mom however is in more contact with me than he is, reaches out every couple of weeks or a month on average. My fiancé and I also didn’t get engaged until we were living with each other for a while. We got engaged a couple of weeks after I graduated from college

I understand your position very well. My father and his wife are hard core Christians, very traditional, I also was raised with the way of no-cohabitation until marriage. I mean I wasn't even allowed to date and I started working right out of High School plus going to college and serving in church. I was becoming more independent in that sense but they were still my providers as far as shelter and food. I received Financial Aide so my schooling was covered but I was expected to pay for me cellphone, clothing, transit fare, etc.

It did become hard as I got older because my family has such a high standard for me that anything or anyone wasn't good enough. I remember this boy in church 4 years younger than me, which for me was too much of a gap because we were in two different mindsets, but he wasn't a bad person, my father refused to let him near me after that and didn't want me to have anything to do with him in that sense.

My father has always treated me like a minor despite my age and independence that I grew into because of many life situations, and not to mention I'm the youngest and only girl. I always saw it more of machismo, manipulation and control rather than because I was the youngest. They knew guilt trips got to me easily. But then I reconnected with my now FH, which I've known since elementary because my mom and his grandma were best friends. But my mom passed and we lost touch not that there was much of a relationship because I hated him LOL, the irony.

I grew tired in all honesty of the unrealistic thoughts they had for me like waiting for that knight in shining armor to walk into church one day and be that guy that God has for me. I in no way doubt that it can't happen, I've seen it happen. But I always knew God has a different way of doing things with me. So yes, I did rebel and took decisions I know my dad would never approve of because he wouldn't stop to step back and hear me out. They are also short tempered and stubborn at that along with their judgement. Plus I never had a good relationship with his wife, she belittled me a lot.

Going back to my now FH, I was living in NY and he had been living in Florida for two years or so. We reconnected but never thought it would become anything. After much back and forth, we fell for each other. Now how do I explain a long distance relationship? My dad didn't even want me dating to begin with. So I didn't say anything, plus it was my first time in a relationship like that, although we knew what we wanted in life and with each other, we didn't know what could happen. Life happens. But little by little God opened doors for me to move to Florida with my older sister and her family, they knew of our relationship and I'm sure they were skeptical at first but they grew to love him.

Fast forward to our engagement last January, I had already told my dad we were dating and a little of our background minus the long distance. When it was time to tell him about our engagement which I didn't linger and wait to share despite how scared I was of his reaction.I respected his right as my father and the love and respect I have for him to share something important to me. He wasn't the most supportive or loving father at the time of the news, when I told him about us dating he never checked in or showed interest in knowing where or how our relationship was flourishing. He judged my FH really harshly and I cried so hard because it hurt me that a man of God was talking so poorly about someone. It reminded me of the passage where Jesus said, whoever is free of sin to throw the first stone, I felt like he was throwing all kinds of stones while having a book full of sins. It was hard for him to swallow that I was dating, I was practically on my own and now engaged! I think he tried to keep himself in denial for years that this can happen because he sheltered me so much.

All of this to say, focus on school, both of you guys work extremely hard for your future and don't let anyone come in between it if you guys feel in your heart you are right for one another. Til this day, with less than 150 days to go my dad has never congratulated us, but he has accepted it and has been much more supportive than I ever imagined because he has every intention to be there on our day and walk me down the isle. And of course he threw in there the I don't live under his roof speech anymore so he can't tell me what to do.

Best wishes to you guys and present this situation in prayer. Let God guide your steps and every decision, remember without him in the center if it, it cannot work. I say this especially because we are believers and it's a big part of our faith in anything we do.

I would take a best and hold off on getting engaged. You guys are young and have plenty of time, and as you said you don't plan on getting married until after you graduate. Take the time to have everyone get to know each other better. This could be as simple as your parents thinking you were rushing in (and their little girl was growing up) and panicking and not acting in the best way.
When you’re ready bring up to you parents that you thinking of marriage but not in a rush and start easing them into the idea.

I was in the same situation. But my FH asked my parents' permission and laid it out on the table. Had I still been in school, though, it would have been a definite "no" for them. I was supporting myself at the time we got engaged.