Just discovered fiancé didn’t receive Catholic Sacraments he said he had

I'm also Jewish so I can't really weigh in, but I'm definitely concerned for you. I remember a good 90% of my Bat Mitzvah like it was yesterday, and if I found out that my husband had lied to me about having a Bar Mitzvah, then I would be completely devastated. I did have one close friend growing up who was Catholic, and even I remember bits and pieces of attending some sort of celebration for her confirmation at the end of 8th grade at age 14. I don't see how somebody could forget their own. I hope the two of you are able to work things out.

Wow, when he lies, he goes BIG (making it a big part of his story, lying in work and personal life, perpetuating the lie on a vacation near the campus). I'm not Catholic so I won't weigh in on that, but the desire for deception obviously runs deep in this man. It almost seems like a way of life for him.

You say you have forgiven him, but I don't think you really have (otherwise why bring it up again 7 years later; note, I am NOT blaming you for not forgiving such a large deception). And with this new lie, I don't think you should be focusing on how to fix it so you can get married. I think your focus should really be on whether or not to marry a life-long, committed liar. Don't worry about what it will or won't look like to other people. Think about if YOU want to be married to someone who cannot tell the truth about important things.

Forgive the assumption, but I am guessing if you are Catholic you are strongly opposed to divorce. Do not permanently attach yourself to a fundamentally untrustworthy person.

Thank you Tiger Bride. You are absolutely right on all of these points. Thank you so much for the input and advice. It really is helpful. To answer your questions around how it didn't come up over the past 7 years....his parents are separated and live out of town. Neither are practicing Catholics, nor my fiances younger siblings. I knew his immediate family tuned away from the Catholic faith when my fiance was younger, but was told that his Grandmother, who was a devout Catholic and also his Godmother, was the one who stepped in and led him towards his Catholic Faith. He said he always remembered receiving Communion when going to church with her. She lives out of town and we met a few times before she passed away. We talked about faith but not my fiance's upbringing in faith specifically. Over the past few years my Fiance's mother has come in town and attended church with us and seen her son take Communion. I asked her about this yesterday when finding out he never received the sacrament. She told me that she just assumed he went through the proper process as an adult, but never actually asked him about it. I also asked if she remembered him going to church w his Grandmother growing up and receiving First Communion. She also said she does not remember this. It's all hard to understand + process and not believe that he lied about the whole thing.

You know, I could almost believe the part about his grandmother telling him to take Communion as a kid. Maybe she wanted him to make his First Communion, but they said they needed his parents to be the ones to initiate that process and so she told him to take it so he would blend in. It's a little out there, but plausible...though I don't really think that's what's happened here.

Against the backdrop of him lying about the degree, as an outsider, I just cannot wrap my head around this being a misunderstanding. This is not a man who said he had $12,000 in debt but really it was $14,000, or said he was 5'10" when he was 5'8". He has been able to (almost) successfully fake a lot of stuff in a really intricate manner - knowledge at his job, knowledge of Catholicism, etc. That's not your run of the mill white lie.

I mentioned this to my FI and he said that if your FI was confirmed, he would have had a sponsor, and a confirmation saint. Has he said who those were?

Yes, he had told me his Confirmation Saint and his sponsor. We've talked about those sacrament memories throughout our relationship, and again last night...recalling these things. Thou again, he never completed the process. His Mom recalls taking him to CCD at a Catholic Church during his teenage years but apparently he never kept going or completed the process. So it's all a bit strange and again, hard to believe he didn't lie about it.

Hanna, I agree. At this point, I believe he lied about it and knew he didn't experience that sacrament. For better or for worse, as they say....we'll have to get through this one. Like we have all of the other times he's lied about school, finances, etc. Love really does make you do crazy things. I am loyal to a fault.

I doubt he would have been going to CCD as a teenager if he hadn't made/without making his First Communion. I don't think they let you skip like that?

If he wasn't confirmed, he didn't have a sponsor or a saint. So those things were not true, they were things he made up to fit his narrative. Please take some time to think about that.

Also, you said to another poster: "Love really does make you do crazy things. I am loyal to a fault." However you choose to proceed is your decision, but the fact that you are just going to accept this is really, really concerning. You are showing him he can do anything, even lie about your supposedly shared faith, and you will just shrug your shoulders and accept it. I don't think you really love him, I think you love the personality he pretended to be for all these years. Like the foundation of who you thought he was is not true. I am not really one to say this on these boards but please take some time to reconsider. If I were you I would be raising hell. People treat you the way you let them.

"for better or for worse" only applies after marriage. I'm worried you feel like you have no options but to keep accepting and forgiving his lies. Please protect yourself.

I hate to say this, but I think it is for your own good: I think you need to stop planning or moving towards the wedding and really think deeply about whether you want to marry this person or not.

Your fiance has proven to be a confident liar who lies about significant things to get what he wants. Liars are dangerous people. When liars get what they want from lying, they will continue to lie. The shame of being caught in a lie also does not stop a habitual liar. For many liars, this developed as a coping mechanism of some kind and is deeply engrained in their behaviors, so they can't simply stop lying. And they never come clean on their own and sometimes continue to lie after they have been caught. Again, these kinds of people are actually dangerous.

I think you need to seek individual counsel with a priest and/or a couples counselor before you move forward. This is not only a red flag for a high-conflict, low-trust marriage, but it's also a red flag that you may be tying yourself to someone who can literally ruin your life. Is this someone you can trust to have joint finances? To have children with? To rely on for support? If, God forbid, you two experience a crisis or tragedy, is this a person you can trust to maintain a level head and act rationally? Is this a person you can trust not to manipulate or deceive you? And are you ready to share in the blame for his future deceptions?

Please pump the breaks on this relationship, OP. I am a Catholic too, and I feel your pain so deeply right now. God loves the truth and comforts the afflicted. Don't be afraid to make a hard decision here.

Ashley, a former catholic old lady here and I feel compelled to give you some motherly advice, abet unsolicited. Please reconsider this marriage, at the very least postpone until he goes through the full RICA process and you continue with counseling. Your Catholic faith is the core of your being and one I know where divorce would be traumatic for you. I know the basis of your faith is forgiveness but I am really having a hard time seeing that he is going to change and I feel you are going to get crushed with his deceit. I gather that you have not confided with your mother on these new findings. Please I am begging you to talk with her and your father. Your mental and emotional health are at stake. I am glad you are talking with your priest but it feels like only to continue the marriage process, I want you to talk with him privately about all the deceit and ask him to pray for you. My best advice would be to run as fast and as far away from him as possible. Start fresh and anew., wishing you all the very best.

Tiger Bride, thank you. I hear you and you're absolutely right on your assessment of relationship. I hadn't yet shared this but it certainly adds to the complexity, and my deep desire to make it work...whatever the cost. & an important component to the situation that should be known while advice is being provided. We have a 9 month old daughter together. Although unexpected, she is the best thing to ever happen to us. He is such a loving and attention father to her, and has been a exceptional partner in the day-to-day parenting. There is nothing more that I want than to give our daughter a life in which her mother and father create a healthy marriage and home for her. It's honestly more important for me to give her that, than to find a more self-assured, honest partner for myself. Do I believe I can find someone who is better for me? Absolutely. But at the cost of my daugher's home life? I'm not so sure. Only knowing two homes, having a father and mother part time...potentially having siblings under those new roofs that come from those new marriages and the risk of feeling like an outsider. My fiance experienced all of that, which has led to much of his struggle and problems today. I came from a strong family upbringing with a mother and father commiting to each other through good times and bad...it's at the core of who I am, which makes it feel near impossible to walk away.

Thank you EF! Always her for some good ol' motherly advice Thanks you for sharing your thoughts + recommendations. I 100% agree with pausing the wedding plans until we each seek counsel and he goes through the RCIA process and receives his sacraments honorably. The challenge with sharing this with my Mother - she has been my go to, first call always, when my now fiance and I went through this type of deception in the past. (He was dishonest about his education and finances.) My parents know about ALL of this and therefore struggled to support our relationship (AS THEY SHOULD) which was on and off for the past 7 1/2 years. (See me reply to Tiger Bride above for the important information on our 9 month old daughter.) It wasn't until she came into the world and my family saw my now fiance step up and become an exceptional parent and partner in the day-today work of raising her...that they now have given their blessing to our marriage. I am so fearful to share this information, as if we do chose to work it out...we'll be starting all over again with family support. I'm not sure if they could ever come around again. It's a miracle they even have these past few months.

Marcia, from the bottom of my heart thank you for your wisdom + advice. I will absolutely take it. I'm going to pump the breaks on the wedding date until we seek our own individual counseling, marriage prep courses, and my fiancé goes through the RCIA process to obtain the sacraments, he said he already had, in an honorable way. We'll re-evaluate our next steps following these things. There is definitely added complexity as we have a 9 month old together and I deeply desire providing her a solid home life like like I had...a Mother and Father committed to each other and the family through everything. I feel responsible to make the best decision for her, over the right decision for myself.

Oh girl, I am so sorry you're going through all of this and you have been really receptive to feedback which is why I will say this: if you marry this man, you are teaching your daughter to settle for a life with a man who lies to her. Period. You *should* want your daughter to have parents with a healthy marriage. But as long as he lies to you, that's not a healthy marriage, and it's not the marriage you want to model for your daughter. Please hear this, if nothing else.

Kids aren't stupid...they know when something is wrong. And if you in turn lie to *them* - you hide his deceit - eventually, when they find out (and they do!) that destroys their trust in you, their parents, the people they are supposed to trust the most. Dad lied to me about himself, Mom lied to cover for him. Is there anyone out there who won't lie to me? Dad lied to Mom, too. Do all men lie? <-- Is that what you want your daughter to grow up thinking?

Millions of people grow up in blended families and don't grow up to be pathological liars, so I don't think I buy that from your fiance.

Tiger Bride, Amen sister. Your advice + wisdom is gold. I want the absolute best life for her...and that may be different than what I think it needs to be, based on my traditional upbringing. The right decision for me can also be the right decision for her I haven't really been able to process it that way until now. Thank you.

That's great news, Judith! Thank you for sharing your story and that insight. Super helpful. Yes, we have a tremendous relationship with our priest, who planned to marry us. He is a very close friend of my fiance, and now a close friend of mine too. We spend time with him often and are meeting with him on Sunday after mass to explore options. I'll ask him about these other options you mentioned!