Keeping paternal cousin in bridal party when not inviting nc father

It sounds like excluding your father from the guest list was the right thing to do, and has given you peace. I'm really not following though why that means other people that he is related to should also be excluded? if you want them there, invite them! If for whatever reason they choose not to attend due to the circumstances around your father, that is their decision. Follow your heart, invite who you love and can't imagine celebrating your day without.

Include Amy. If she feels uncomfortable she can say no. but to uninvite her would be crappy.

Is Amy and adult? If so, and she is willing/able to get to the wedding and other things on her own, invite her!

Props to you for making what I'm sure wasn't an easy decision, but definitely the one that sounds like it was best for you. You deserve to share your wedding only with people who make you both happy! I think you should still invite your cousin if your relationship with her is a positive one.

If she is an adult, I wouldn’t think twice about this. She can make all her own decisions.


My husband’s side has an estranged family, I think divorce and losing touch or something but having never met them I don’t know much about it ….except that out of the 3 cousins from the estranged family, one has maintained contact with our part of the family and puts in effort to keep the relationship going. We invited her to the wedding, but no one else from her family. We didn’t even think twice about it, honestly. And she didn’t seem fussed about it either, she was happy to come and celebrate with us. The key, of course, being that she is an adult and fully independent and able to make her own decisions about who she wants to maintain relationships with.

I don’t understand why the other people have to be excluded from the guest list based on your no contact with your father. Those are two completely separate things that should be treated as such.

If you're close enough with Amy for her to be in your wedding party, she probably knows that, at the very least, you have a distant and complicated relationship with your father.

You should still invite her to be in your wedding party. Give her a little bit of time to be happy about that and then tell her that you've decided not to invite your father and why you made that call (starting with what you shared here). If that goes well, ask her how she thinks her parents would feel about your decision and whether she thinks you should invite them. It could be that they'll understand and be happy to attend even if he's not there, or it may be inviting them would cause a conflict between Amy and her and her parents if she attends and they choose not to, in which case it would be better not to invite them in the first place. ("They decided during covid that they really wanted a small guest list," is a lower-drama reason that she can give them if they ask why they weren't invited.)

Thank you for the responses everyone. To address some things:

1. Amy is an adult (we're about the same age). Though we don't talk that often anymore (not even on FB since she's not active on it), we're always the talkative at the one family gathering I'm able to go to each year due to living out of state.

2. I would also like my relationship with my father's side to continue despite going NC (I'm even keeping my last name). But when I first mentioned to my mom that I was planning on cutting him out, she said "You think you can cut him out and the LastName family will welcome you with open arms?!" and tried to get me to reconsider. She has been cut off completely aside from a couple people saying "Say hi to your mom for me," every now and then. They are likely to view going to my wedding when my father is not welcome as some sort of betrayal against him.

How they view the relationship you have with your dad is in their head. Don't be sorry about it. They have probably thought the same thing since the divorce. But those still your friends after all this with your dad, may want today come to your wedding. They are adults, capable of deciding whether or not to be like children, (taking sides is childish, ) or act like adults and decide yes or no according to their relationship with you . Even if it is not about Dad, they may not come because of conflicts. That is up to them. Issue the invitations.

View Quoted Comment Ex-wives are usually treated differently than their children, post divorce, by the other family of ex-husband. Your mom has a negative view,but do not let it spread out and become your view. Her experience with them siding with Papa may be completely differently than yours. You have different positions.