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Kicking a bridesmaid out the day before the wedding

on June 13, 2021 at 12:23 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21

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Hey all-
I’m posting this because I honestly want to know if I was at fault in the situation or the bride was.

About a year ago, my best college friend and roommate asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, so I happily accepted. As the semester progressed, she slowly grew more distant from me. No singular event happened to cause this, and when I reached out to her to see what was wrong, she insisted she was fine. Things clearly were NOT fine, though, as she slowly talked to me less and less until after graduation we didn’t speak until the week before the wedding. I guess she just didn’t want to be friends anymore. Anyway, she never told me to leave the wedding party, so I assumed it was still on and drove the 9 hours to her city a few days before the ceremony.
Her bachelorette party consisted of two things: going out for dinner and then heading back to her house to get drunk. I confided in the brides sister (a good friend of mine) that I didn’t think getting drunk was very appropriate (for religious purposes), and she heartily agreed, since their family is of the same religion as me. I stayed for the dinner but then left afterwards. I guess another bridesmaid overheard me and the sister’s discussion and told the bride, because the afternoon of the wedding, the bride had one of her family members call me to say 1. The bride was furious at my behavior and disapproval of their plans and 2. There was no need to come to the wedding the next day.
After traveling the 9 hours to get there, and getting a non-returnable bridesmaid dress, not to mention trying to reach out to the bride with no response, I was pretty upset. I’ve just left things as they are with hopes that things will get better as she cools off, but I need to know- was I at fault, or her? If I have a responsibility to apologize I certainly will, but I really feel like I had a right to my religious persuasions (which are shared by her) and opinions. I think I just need some good wisdom here. What does everyone think?

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21 Comments

Latest activity by Natalie, on June 15, 2021 at 5:58 PM

Dedicated June 2021
Brittany · on June 13, 2021 at 12:39 AM
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I think she either totally overreacted or she was just looking for an excuse to not have you in the wedding since you two aren't close anymore. Did she un-invite her sister too since she was the other half of that conversation? Probably not. Either way, I think having someone else call to un-invite you is incredibly immature, not to mention bad manners. If it was me, I wouldn't feel I owed her an apology.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 12:42 AM
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I so appreciate this closure. No, she didn’t kick her sister out. I also agree that it was very impolite to not deal with this directly with her. I asked the person calling to talk to the bride, but she refused to let me. Thanks for the help!
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Expert August 2021
Ingrid · on June 13, 2021 at 1:18 AM
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Definitely not on you. It shows what her real intentions were and your comment was the excuse. Being that you were friends before I assume she knew how you felt about excessive drinking. She knew she didn't want you to be a part of the wedding and didn't have the courage to tell you.
Now you know her true colors!
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· on June 13, 2021 at 1:26 AM
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Thanks so much! She and I would have drinks all the time, but she definitely knew what my opinion was on excessive drinking. She claimed she had the same opinion, yet she acts a different way with her fiancé. I appreciate the closure!
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on June 13, 2021 at 10:14 AM
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The only thing I think I could see that MAYBE you "did wrong" was say to her sister that excessive drinking didn't sound like a good idea...and I say that the way I do because I personally don't think it's wrong of you to say, but I could see how someone who wants to do what they want to do would get upset that you are disagreeing. It sounds to me like she's been extremely immature and is entirely at fault for this. She should've approached you herself and said she didn't want you to be included in her wedding anymore, and considering the fact that she didn't really talk to you before the wedding, she should've done it when she started having those feelings early on to save some time and money for you.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 11:00 AM
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I totally agree. We’re all adults here, so why did she have to send a family member after me instead of dealing with this a long time ago?
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Devoted March 2022
Apryl · on June 13, 2021 at 11:10 AM
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The friendship is over. I don't think there's anything to say anymore.

You're not wrong for trying to see this through though. The bride should have been up front and told you how she was feeling. I don't think there's anything to apologize for.
I do think you should've kept your mouth shut about someone else's alcohol consumption. You're more than entitled to your beliefs and to act on those the beliefs. The bride obviously did not share those same beliefs and sharing your opinion with her sister wasn't going to change anything.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on June 13, 2021 at 11:13 AM
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I think you're both wrong here.
I do think she just used this as an excuse to kick you out because you weren't close anymore. I think she'd hoped that you weren't going to show up, and when you didn't, she tried to find some way to get you out of there. That was completely wrong on her part.
That said, the right to an opinion doesn't mean freedom from consequences. You absolutely have the right to have your opinion, but no one is obligated to tolerate it. This is the part about opinions that people tend to forget: if you choose to share them, people can take issue with them. And they have just as much right to tell you to shove off over your opinion as you have to have it.
I also can see why she would want to tell you to shove off. You didn't need to tell someone that you thought it was inappropriate. You could have simply said, "I'm not interested in doing that, but you guys go have fun." Discretion goes a long way - no one likes a judgmental person, and you were being judgmental (and you still are, that's why you expressed multiple times that it's due to a religion that you all share... making sure everyone knows that you think she isn't adhering to those beliefs the way you think she should.)
However, I wouldn't apologize. She clearly doesn't want the friendship any longer, and it seems you have some pretty fundamental disagreements anyway.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 11:15 AM
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I agree. In hindsight, I should have kept my opinions to myself. I could have also tried a bit harder at social gatherings to seem super excited about everything. I was still feeling hurt and she probably could notice it.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 11:20 AM
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I definitely see what you’re saying. My words were certainly judgmental, which was wrong. It does seem like the relationship isn’t worth trying to pursue anymore.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 13, 2021 at 12:49 PM
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It sounds like your relationship had ended a while ago for reason either you really don't know or you're not sharing the full story. Either way she was probably hoping you'd take the hint and just drop out of her wedding. Then with where your relationship with her was already heading you made that judgy comment which probably sealed the deal with her to drop you out her wedding herself. Like everyone said you can give your opinion but doesn't mean everyone has to be cool with it. And if you have been very vocal with your opinions in the beginning of her wedding planning maybe she just had enough of it and that's why she started distancing herself from you and eventually kicked you out.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 1:01 PM
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Yeah. I should have dropped out months ago, but you know they always say hindsight is 20/20. But no, I’ve never been vocal with my opinions, and my conversation with her sister was brief and (I thought) private. Looking back, I should never have said anything, as you’ve pointed out. Thanks for your honesty.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on June 13, 2021 at 1:07 PM
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I’m so sorry this happened. I couldn’t IMAGINE treating one of my bridesmaids like that! Even if another bridesmaid told me “hey so and so doesn’t agree with our drinking plans” I would have given my friend the benefit of a doubt. She’s not there to defend herself and so what, she probably wants to get in bed after a long drive and be fresh for the wedding. Makes sense to me. Also shame on her to have a relative do her dirty work. Sounds like she is two faced and you are better off! If it were me in your shoes, I’d apologize for the remark and let her know relative so and so called you (just so she knows full story and clears up any misunderstandings). I wouldn’t apologize for anything more. I would tell her you are disappointed in her actions and you are disappointed in her character/lack of honesty. You wish her the best nonetheless. For me, I could then sleep well knowing I took responsibility for a small remark and cleared my conscience.

Beware, these “friends” tend to contact you out of the blue years later. Forgive, but don’t forget. She’s counting on you to not stand up for yourself because it would make it awkward for her. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt “No one takes advantage of you without your permission”. Good luck girlie and keep your chin up 😉❤️
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· on June 13, 2021 at 1:25 PM
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Thank you SO much for your sensitivity! This has been so refreshing. Obviously a situation like this is never only one-sided, and I’m happy to take responsibility for my bad decisions. But thank you for understanding.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 13, 2021 at 1:25 PM
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And see thats where you went wrong. You never talk negatively about someone to their family members and not think they are going to go back and repeat what you said to them. I'd never say anything bad to a friends family member about the friend unless I wanted them to find out what I said.
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· on June 13, 2021 at 1:32 PM
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Well the interesting thing is that the person who repeated the conversation wasn’t a family member! She was just a friend of the bride.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 13, 2021 at 1:43 PM
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Are you sure it wasn't the sister who you talked to or maybe it was both the sister and the friend who told her
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· on June 13, 2021 at 1:47 PM
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It was just the friend. I called the sister when it happened to make sure. I normally would think the same thing as you, because that would make a lot of sense! But in this particular situation the sister took my side and didn’t say anything, I guess.
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Dedicated June 2021
Brittany · on June 13, 2021 at 3:37 PM
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I also think that whatever bridesmaid told the bride about that conversation was totally just creating unnecessary drama. Yes, it was not the time and place to express your disapproval. But if the bridesmaid took issue with it she should have either: A) come over to the both of you and said something like "Hey, I get that you don't like what's going on but how about you change the subject because this is bride's party and we're here to support her, we don't want to hurt her feelings." Or B) Not said anything to anyone especially the bride because it's not something she needs to know, and upsetting her before her wedding is a d*ck move. That bridesmaid is a pot-stirring drama queen and chose to create a problem where one didn't need to exist.
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