Lack of bedroom intimacy

Have you discussed this in therapy? I know you’ve posted before about other issues. I know you’re trying hard to keep your marriage, but if after months or years of talking about not wanting kids my FH (or H) had the audacity to get angry with me for not changing my mind, I would be gone.

Wow that sounds awful. It's completely unfair that he has expected you to change your mind after you've been nothing but upfront and honest about this from the beginning. I would definitely recommend a couples therapy session, sometimes a third party can see things from a different perspective and shed light on the issue. Honestly I just see the therapist telling your husband that what he's doing isn't fair to you, and trying to make him see that too.

I think your husband is being frankly a selfish ass. He married you knowing your stance, he can’t throw it back in your face just because he was hoping you’d change your mind. Kids are a deal breaker for some relationships. Get some couples counseling and come to a decision. If he can let go of having no kids then he can get a vasectomy, if he insists on kids and you can’t agree then you two need to move on.

First off, your not alone, I have had the same issue over the last few years and it was starting to effect our relationship. In my case, I recently stopped taking birth control and things have been way better and I hope they continue to get better for me/ us. Second, your husband knew what he was getting into so he is being selfish and needs to own up and apologize, I probably wouldn't want anything to do with him either. I would look into counseling for yourself, or both of you. Good luck!

I'm so sorry you are going through this but this is on him for expecting you to change. As others have suggested, consider couples therapy but be prepared to make some difficult decisions. I also can't stand the "you need to get fixed" comment. You are not broken! If you don't want kids and he isn't willing to do what you have asked to prevent it then why can't he get a vasectomy? I'm sure he would take great offense to calling that getting him fixed. Whatever happens I hope you have a good support system.

It’s no wonder you’re not in the mood! You must be a much nicer person than me, because I would have lost my mind if I was told that. Maybe you can mention to him that it’s much easier for men to “get fixed” and is a simple procedure. But I definitely agree with the other posters, you need to address the fact that he’s basically lied to you and is completely disregarding your feelings.

Personally I have been in counseling for over 6 months due to multiple issues in our marriage, which I am still processing and moving on from. This one however, shakes me to my core. I brought up marriage counseling months ago, but he kept putting it off until after we had this fight and another one about me considering divorce. Then he decided that we should see his personal counselor for our marriage counseling too. Needless to say, I have been trying to hold onto my marriage, but I am starting to think that maybe...I shouldn't?

Did you enjoy sex before the argument? If you didn't that's another issue completely separate from the argument.

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It was lacking prior to the argument, but took a more drastic turn afterwards.

This made me so mad reading it. I hate when men (and some women) think we women don't know what we want. You've been very clear from day one about not wanting kids in any form but he never really believed you which is a huge red flag. That means everything you believe, think, say, or feel is somehow subject to his validation, that he is disrespecting who you are to the core. No wonder you're not jumping in bed with him. Who would? And that comment about you "getting fixed" ! If he cares so much about it then let him go "get fixed." I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Unfortunately you are not alone. This was my 2nd marriage for a reason, and I now call my 1st marriage my "starter marriage" because it really taught me so much about marriage and what to truly look for in a partner.

I agree with the others, it is much easier for him to get fixed. It's literally an outpatient thing. It's way more invasive for women! He should respect that the birth control is not an option for you. I feel like it's his turn to step up now because you've done what you could. You tried birth control and it didn't work. If he's that tired of "pulling out" then he will suck it up and get fixed himself. Men can get very selfish sometimes, but you gotta stand your ground and not let him walk all over you. I'm sorry you have to go through this :/

You must be a strong woman to put up with that. I would have been gone if my husband said that to me. It's pathetic the hurdles that women have to go through, and how we're never taken seriously about not wanting children. If your husband isn't willing "to get fixed", I doubt he would actually be supportive if you had it done. It sounds like he wants kids, you don't, and that is something neither of you should ever have to compromise.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It's taking a toll on me that's for sure. I am trying to make it through, and we are starting marriage counseling.

I agree with prior comments. My first marriage ended because my first husband thought I would also change my mind (and he was a pathelogical liar). I have also asked my Dr to "fix" me...they offered me that coil device that i believe the FDA has now ruled too dangerous for women. I am 38, I am never gonna chabge my mind. I feel you on every point of your post because I could of written it. Bless you in whatever decisions you make.

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Thank you! It's nice to know that I am not alone. Do you have any advice as far as moving forward?

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately, the topic of children, for me is a non-negotiable topic. You want them or you don't. I havent found a compromise on that topic. If he wants children and you dont, the choice is already made. Either on of you is going to always be unhappy if you stay together or you can both be happy. Its a toich decision. My advice would be to communicate, plan a future together or apart but communicate about it.

It's true that intimacy ebbs and flows for many reasons in relationships, but what you're describing is a breakdown in the bond between you and your husband. You need to explore how to repair the emotional connection. He's obviously disappointed (whether that was his fault or not). It's important for you to step out of your reaction to him, and find compassion. Tell him you love him, and want to have an amazing marriage and life with him. Don't compromise on your kids stance, but put the focus on what you want to create with him. As for the doctor issue- find a new one. Your body, your choice.

UPDATE:

Since this has been bothering me so much I asked my husband why he married me. He was pretty short and sweet and was like because I love you. I then brought up the topic of how we both deserve happiness, and how I didn't want kids and he did. I told him I wasn't going to change my mind. He responded, " I don't want kids." I asked him how he could change his mind after only 3 months because 3 months ago you wanted kids and since I didn't I needed to get back on birth control or get fixed. He said he was angry at me when he said this. So this poses the question, most people when they are angry usually do one of two things. 1 - You are 100% honest about how you feel and you no longer want to protect the other persons feelings OR 2) You say things you know will hurt the other person. I know people always say, I didn't mean that I said it when I was angry, but there's always truth behind it no matter how you look at it. He actually admitted to me he said it to hurt me. Then he asked me if I hated him, and it's like No, I don't hate you. I am just hurt very hurt because of things you say and do. I wish I could tell you that after we discussed this I felt better, but I didn't I laid in bed awake as tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. until I finally dosed off. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I don't see how I can find compassion for a man who wants to constantly hurt me.

I feel that you were very clear from the beginning that you did not want kids.. Carry them, adopt them.. NO kids means NO kids. I would agree with couples therapy, however therapy isn't going to change your mind on the kids issue. As mentioned above the kids thing can be a deal breaker and this just might be that.

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First of all, let me say, OMG!! But, I have to say that after I read your story, the only thing I could think of was "typical man." I say this because I believe we as women have gone through this same thing with a man some time in our lives. They say things to hurt us because they don't know how to talk things out. They get frustrated, hold things in, and when they get angry and/or drunk, the truth comes out. I am totally for and agree with all regarding counseling. But I am also wondering if you all had counseling before you got married. My FH and I have been doing premarital counseling so that we won't go into the marriage with expectations from the other person. Counseling is only for those who want it to work. My FH was not fully involved at first until I brought it to his attention. It seemed like I was always doing the talking. From hearing your story, when you do counseling, let him talk more, then you can hear his what and why. You already know you don't want kids so the counseling is just for understanding of each other and your wants and needs. I declare that your marriage will work and it will be better than ever! Stay prayerful