Last Name Dilemma

I would hyphenate in your situation. Both of the last names are pretty common, so it doesn't necessarily need to attach you to your ex. Does your fh care either way? I know it's not up to him, but if you're unsure he can maybe provide input that could help you make your decision.

You’re marrying someone new. Keeping your ex-husbands name should not be an option. And I’m sure your new husband wouldn’t like you keeping your ex-husbands name. As your friend said, your kids are probably old enough to understand. This is a fresh start for you which should include a fresh new name.

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He would rather me just take his name, but he understands my feelings on wanting to have that connection to my kids. He's okay with either.

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My fiance doesn't seem to mind either way, considering his ex-wife still has his last name for the same reason...her child.

I don’t mean to be harsh but I think keeping your ex’s last name is just holding on to some part of your past. I totally understand your wanting to keep it but think I think you are putting too much weight on that name. Your boys and you know that you are their mother and the last name doesn’t make a difference. Think of it this way if you had a daughter and she got married her name would change and then you’d have a different name (🙈 haha I tried). I’m sorry you are having difficulty with this and hope you come to some peaceful resolve for yourself.

View Quoted Comment Okay, then you need to decide what you want. Logically all the options make sense and have both pros and cons that you listed above, but what do you want to be called? Let this decision be an emotional one if logically, you're deadlocked. Everyone is going to be different as you can see between what I would do and the other pp would do lol.

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I had the daughter thought too. In reality, I will likely end up taking Adam's name. Just thinking it through. Both of my degrees also are under Brown.

In the same situation. I’m hyphenating my ex’s name with FHs name. But to me it’s more than “ex’s name”. I’ve been Tara W for the entirety of my adult life. It’s my name.

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I have 2 years to decide and will analyze it to death in those 2 years, because that's what I do. LOL Just trying to gain some perspective.

I have a coworker that had this situation and now has her new husband’s last name. Her relationship with her ex husband is not the best so she’s now taking a trip to cuba with her family and she won’t take her two kids from her first marriage. She’s afraid that if something happens she won’t be able to do much since they don’t have her last name and she doesn’t have the same as their birth certificate or even the name she was born with. She’s afraid of it and I can see how something like this can be an issue. Just something to consider.

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I get you there. I was married when I was 22. It's been my name for 17 years. Both of my degrees and all of my teaching certificates are under that name. It really is a struggle.

I have a daughter with my FH, if we were to ever divorce and I remarry, i would definitely hyphenate. I hated not sharing a last name with my mom, so if he didn’t understand why i want to share a name with my children then that’s a problem for me.

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Thanks for your input. My ex isn't a bad guy. We got married way too young before either of us knew who we were and when we grew up, we no longer worked. I don't see that it would be a problem in that sense. It's not too terribly hard to make the paper trail to prove they are her kids. A pain, but not difficult. I feel for her that she's that concerned about it.

View Quoted Comment Hahahaha. Makes sense. Good luck!

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Thanks for your input. I plan to ask my boys what they prefer to gauge whether they care at all or not.

View Quoted Comment I’m glad you have a good relationship with your ex. That makes your decision more personal rather than out of fear. I think my coworker is mostly afraid because she’s going to a country that things are not easy like most.

I think a lot of the women commenting don’t have kids and don’t understand. I don’t think keeping Brown as your last name has anything to do with holding on to your ex. It’s not just his name. That name belongs to your kids and mothers hold on to their kids. I have two boys with my ex (we were never married) and I have one son with FH. All of my kids have hyphenated last names so all 3 of them share my last name in common. My name is the name that unites them and identifies us all as family. So I won’t be taking FH’s name. It’s uncommon to do so in his culture and my nursing career was built with my name.

You built a family and a career as a Brown. You are a Brown and mom to Browns. You don’t have to wanna hold on to the ex because of that. If you wanna add FH’s name to brown, go ahead. Especially if you and FH plan to have kids together. That way you’re connected to all of them.

Like you said, the ex’s have moved on already and you’re moving on as well. You can do that without changing your name back to your maiden name.

Would you consider using Brown as your middle name and taking Young as your last name? Then, professionally or regarding your children you could use Shannon Brown Young (not hyphenated). I've only been married once, but I changed my maiden name to my middle name because my degrees and early professional experiences were under my maiden name (plus I didn't really want to "give up" my family's name entirely). In our personal life, I only use my married name (my legal last name), but for anything having to do with work, I use both. It still has the connotation of "holding on to your ex-husband's name and/or sharing a name with your children," but without the potential "baggage" of a hyphenated last name. Good luck!

And, as other's have said, I completely understand about wanting to share a name with your children. That was a primary reason I didn't hyphenate my name when we married 30+ yrs ago. I didn't want our kids to have a hyphenated last name (I'm a college professor, so I've seen some of the logistical issues that can create) and, personally, I didn't like the idea of our family being "Mr. Jones, Mrs. Smith-Jones, and Susie Jones."

After my divorced I went back to my maiden last name and me n my ex husband have a son together (he still has his dads last name). I'm getting married n will take my fh last name too. My son has no problems with our last names being different it still doesnt change the fact I'm his mom n i love him.

I would take your fh last name

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your thoughts. I won’t hyphenate the kids’ names and we won’t be having kids together as we already have the three boys and are almost 40. Hyphenating mine is still on the table.