Last Name Worries

I haven’t faced this exact issue, but I recognise the emotions and challenges around names.

Have you considered both using your last name? If that’s not an option, what about turning your current last name into a middle name - that seems to be a fairly common practice, and would keep it as part of your identity. (And it could be something you both do with your ‘old’ last names.)

I wonder how much of your uneasiness about the proposed new name is tied to your feelings about your current last name ‘going away”. If you could resolve those feelings, would the new name sit better with you? If not, then I’d say you definitely need to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. It won’t be the last time in your marriage that you have different views on something this significant. (If you have kids, it could well occur in relation to naming them.) Healthy communication about things that matter to you is a good habit to get into.

View Quoted Comment Hi Liz,


I was actually playing with the thought of turning my maiden name into a middle name but then I'd have two middle names and I'm not sure if that would be too strange or difficult to deal with through life or not. I've never been close to anyone whose had a name like that to ask out of curiosity. I'm certainly not against it at all though.
I have also thought about that as well. I have no idea why its such a difficult thing and why it makes me so uneasy/worried. Its not like I'm an only child and my family will be happy with anything I do. We've always been a very close knit family and they are excited for us to be able to change our name to whatever we decide. Its not that I feel any regret or worry about if my husband and I will stay together for the long term, despite the usual ups and downs of any new marriage we're happy and get along well. Its just this one seemingly small item in comparison that has got me all tangled up and it must appear silly honestly.
I've always been the kind of person who works herself up into a panic but when I finally go through with whatever I'm worrying about I usually find that its not as bad as I thought it'd be and I was panicking and worrying for nothing. Changing my name has always seemed like such a monumental act that I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it but I think its just scary to let go of a name that has been me all my life. How does one let go of a piece of one's self when its all they've ever known until now? Its a daunting task to me. It would help a little if the new name maybe sounded better with my first name but its not like I haven't heard the combination before and it sounds alright when I think of it for those women. Maybe I'm just worrying too much.

I don’t think it’s silly at all - names are part of our identity, and making any change of that type is bound to be significant. Good wishes for making a decision.

Understand that you are under no obligation to change your name. That being said, have you considered hyphenating your last name with the new last name he picked out? That sounds like the fairest compromise to me. I don't know if you've told him how you've been feeling about changing your name, but you REALLY need to have this discussion with him. I've been feeling the same way about the potential of changing my name when my fiance and I get married. When I first brought up my feelings to him, he didn't fully comprehend the loss of identity changing a name brings. Once I explained how I was feeling and he was able to put himself in my shoes he's been incredibly understanding and has no issue giving me as much time as necessary to make my decision on my own timeline.

I totally get how you feel. I have an ethnic last name but an Anglo first name, so giving up my last name feels like giving up my ethnic identity and my last tie to my deceased grandfather. However, even though it feels that way, I know it isnt that way. I know I still belong to my people.


Lots of people move their middle name to their last name, but my middle name is important to me, so I'll just be giving up my last name. I think there is something beautiful in sharing a last name with FH and solidifying our new, unique family.
I think you and SO have a really sweet and wonderful idea to have a whole new name. Giving up your last name can be super difficult, so I totally understand that, but I think it's because the transition in general from your family to your new family with SO is difficult. Maybe ask SO for some more time to feel comfortable in that transition before you make a decision

On the two middle names: that's not odd at all. It may be regional, but where I am from that is fairly common. I know many women whose maiden names are one of their middle names. Usually how this goes, on legal documents and social media they are [First] [Maiden] [Last], but when addressed in person they are [First] [Last].

Just adding another comment of encouragement on two middle names. Definitely not unheard of and definitely not more trouble. To be honest, having my maiden name as an additional middle name has actually helped me not have to jump through some extra hoops to prove who I am as I was making changes to things like bank accounts and other legal documents.


I empathize with you on this. It can be hard to shift from one name to another. Don’t rush it. Take your time and figure out what works best for you and then talk it through with your partner. Good news is your partner is already a lot more open minded on this than others in that he’s open to creating a completely new name for the two of you.

View Quoted Comment I haven't had the chance to speak with him yet (it was 4AM when I first posted and he was sleeping soundly beside me lol I didn't realize it had gotten so late). He's been so eager and excited to finally do the name change I know discussing my worries and thoughts will most likely burst his bubble. I'll feel bad about it but a conversation must be had. Hyphenating the new name with my maiden name would be interesting but sound very strange and be a mouthful so probably not that option but thank you for suggesting it. I think my husband doesn't even consider changing his last name to be a big deal but that could be because he's never cared much for it and during these past few years he's grown to dislike it immensely. He can't wait to have something new that we specifically picked out together, I think its been even more important to him since we've been married over a year and have had to wait so long.

View Quoted Comment


I've always loved my full name. It flows so well and my mother made a great choice in terms of a middle name. Moving my maiden name to be a second middle name doesn't sound so bad with the new last name. I also don't feel like I'm losing a piece of myself as much. Knowing husband he might be a little hurt in thinking that maybe I don't want to change my name at all if I choose to do this until I explain. Its a little amusing to me how this of all things is the only big problem I'm having within the marriage at this point.

View Quoted Comment Its good to know that its actually been helpful for you. I was wondering how it would be on any documents and such. Obviously we would have to change everything after we go through the courts and I'd be writing this new full name anywhere and everywhere.
I know if I take my maiden name as a second middle name some people (probably mainly his family) will look down on it as strange and make comments along the lines of "Why do it at all if you weren't going to drop your name in the first place" but I've been learning to ignore their judgements. I learned the hard way a while back that I was better off not revealing everything going on in our lives. We only share what we want them to know. There are many reasons why he has never been and still isn't very close to his family, I always get the feeling they think I'm keeping him away now but its just an honest reflection of their current relationship with husband. Its up to him if he wants to connect with them but I always feel like they think I'm the bad lady *sigh*


I believe he'll be understanding when I talk to him about it tonight. He might be a little sad and sulky about waiting a while longer but its nothing some extra love won't fix He's a good guy, even if he attacks me with pillows 😉

If you're not on board with changing your name, then that defeats the whole purpose of you and your husband changing your names. You should only do this if you're both excited about it

If you are coming up with a brand new last name, I think it needs to be a last name that you both equally are drawn to. There shouldn't be any "settling" on a name that doesn't fit because you have all of the options in the world to choose from. I would have an honest conversation with your husband about it and share exactly what you did here. He might have grown to really like the name you picked out together, but I don't think he'd feel as strongly about it if he knew the heartache it was causing you.

Do you not want to change your name anymore, or do you not want to change it to the name that you settled on? There is a difference. If its simply the name itself, I'd say go back to the drawing board and brainstorm some new options.

If you have decided you want to keep your name, then that's a different story and only has two possible outcomes: you either both keep your names and have different last names, or he changes his last name to yours. If he doesn't want to take on your name, then you would need to decide whether it is more important to you to having matching last names or keep your name. Its likely someone will need to compromise somewhere, but it should be pretty even between the two of you and not result in one of you getting 100% what they want while the other feels like they are the only one who had to concede anything.