Lazy Bridesmaid Problems?

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Truth is, I'd rather not have a bridal shower or bach party. I just want to do lunch with my girls and skip straight to the wedding. But everyone- literally, everyone- wants me to have a bridal shower because it's the "thing to do" in our family. But no one wants to take the initiative to plan one. I might ask FMIL to plan it if she wants me to have one- she's great at planning just as I am. I just don't want to deal with the added stress to be honest. Since I don't really care to have one, I guess I shouldn't care about trying to please everyone either. If they can't make it or if they don't like it, oh well. I've been trying to work around everyone else's lives for way too long but no one has taken me into consideration.

Awe that's horrible. Someone should step up if they feel that you should have one. Talk to your FMIL and maybe she will do it. My sorority sisters threw me one and it was a gathering of maybe 6 of us that have been friends for over 25+years, there were a few more invited but couldnt come for a variety of reasons but they will be at the wedding...We had a ball. All we did was sit around and eat,drink, laugh, cry, talk and it was the best fun that I had had in years. I wasnt even expecting gifts because I just missed hanging out with my friends-some whom I hadnt seen in years. I think that's what people miss out on is that we just want to share our day with people. I would say definitely talk/share with your FMIL how you feel right now. Good luck and the other stuff it will fall in line...

I would contact the store you picked and asked what their production & shipping time is. I did this for Azazie, and just told the girls to order by the end of April for our July wedding.

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Dresses ordered 2 weeks ago are estimated to arrive sometime in July. From then, they will need altered. I've encouraged getting the dresses soon because why wait and risk it? Doesn't make sense to me.

Especially if you don't really care about a shower or bachelorette, I'd definitely try to take this off the list of things stressing you out. Who cares, if you don't? If there are people in the family who "think it has to happen," cool, let them figure it out. If it comes together, great! If it doesn't, since you said you don't even really want them, that's great, too!

Also, I'm super organized and always on top of things, but one of the things I've learned is that a LOT of people aren't that way. Just because I'd think, "why wait and risk it" when they COULD easily wait and order their dresses a few months from now does NOT mean they want to do it now. (I actually teach college courses that address these very issues -- there's a concept called "preference for procedural order" (PPO). Some of us are high PPO and others are low PPO; trying to force people to do things from your preference doesn't usually end well -- which may explain why they are ignoring your texts. There's a similar component in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator [the judger-perceiver continuum] that often plays out similarly. We can want things a certain way, but that doesn't mean others have to comply.)

Daughter's BMs were spread all over the country and were only going to be together for 2-3 days surrounding the wedding. I offered to host her shower because I knew they weren't going to be able to do it. Unexpectedly, one of the MOHs decided to make a quick trip into town and asked if we could do the shower while she was here. From start to finish, I had under six weeks to plan. As soon as we chose the date, I started calling around to find a restaurant that could handle the guest list of about 25, and I emailed/texted key guests to let them know the date. I had the invitations in the mail about 5 weeks before, with an RSVP date that gave me 10 days. It all turned out fine and daughter was thrilled with her shower. Less than 2 months before the wedding another BM decided she was going to come into town for Christmas with her family and offered to put together a simple but fun bachelorette for daughter. What I'm saying is try to trust the people -- who you chose because they are the people who mean the most to you -- to do the best they can, their way. Otherwise, it sounds like you risk driving yourself crazy and irritating your friends. Six months is more than enough time to get a BM dress and/or plan a party. (Actually, 3 months is probably enough....) Good luck to you!

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Bridesmaid dresses do not need to be altered. A simple hem or strap fix maybe, but that is something most people can do on their own or find a friend to do in an hour. In all of the weddings I've been in, I've NEVER had a bridesmaid dress altered. If it was a little too loose or too tight, it was what it was. The dress was only being worn once and I just dealt with it.

As a fellow "planner" I totally get where you are coming from...
I too, like to get my ducks all in a row....it makes me feel accomplished and I can relax, knowing all is well.

I think, the hard part for people like us, is that loss of control. My fiancee is so laid back....we are getting married in June 2020...he says we have plenty of time...in theory, we do but, I've already secured the Venue, photographer, dj,Minister, cake, bridesmaids dresses and shoes and paid the deposit on our Honeymoon.

So, I totally get where your stress is comimg from. I guess the best advice I can give you , is what I give myself....just let go and it will all work out.

All of the procrastinators of the world, manage to pull things off somehow
Just trust that your bridesmaids will order their dresses and plan your shower and bachelorette party in the next few months.

Try not to worry...if they haven't made an attempt in a few weeks ...give them a little nudge.
Hang in there! It will be ok and it will all come together! I promise.
Maybe they want to surprise you with a shower? You never know
Hugs to you !

Hi Krystin!

Don't worry, beautiful bride. You are not alone.

I have been having a very similar problem with some of my bridesmaids, one in particular. It was very frustrating, disappointing, and honestly a bit hurtful that not all my girls were being helpful and that I even had to NAG some of them to order their dresses (Like hellooo, don't you want to be in my wedding?!). My wedding is on July 13th and my laziest bridesmaid's dress pick up date is July 8th because it took her so long to get fitted. It was getting to be too stressful so I finally decided to let it go and focus on the more positive aspects of the planning.

My advice to you would be: Don't forget that this is YOUR wedding! It is the happiest of events and no one should bring you down. Especially your closest girls. Don't let lazy bridesmaids bring you down. Thank the more helpful ones for being awesome (encouraging them to continue the awesomeness) and ask if maybe they can take on more. Also, as some ladies have suggested, maybe asking some family members to help out. As for the dresses you'll probably have to let the girls know that they gotta get with it or unfortunately they won't be able to be in the wedding. Either that or maybe go with mismatched but coordinating dresses that can be bought off the rack.

Sorry to hear about your bridesmaid drama. Wish you the best!

I get why you are feeling anxious and let down and hurt. But a lot of that help you are talking about should be coming from your fiancé not your girls.

Also, you actually have quite a bit of time for those things to be planned and it makes a lot of sense to me to order the bridesmaids dress after the baby comes out. That is just sort of the risk you take having pregnant people in your wedding party. But I agree they should let you know what the plan is and maybe a back up plan can be discussed just in case ordering dresses don’t go as planned.

In the mean time, I think you might find it helpful to consider if your pregnant friends are upset that you aren’t excited about their babies? And that is making it harder for them
to be excited about your wedding. It might also be helpful to realize that planning for a baby is really a lot of work even if they have other kids. Especially if they have had other kids, actually. Try to keep in mind that their bodies are changing. They are full of hormones. Tired. Achey. And probably worried about labor and delivery and how they will cope with a newborn while being in a wedding and the rest of life. After empathizing, maybe you can ask if they really feel up to being in the wedding and if they don’t let them out on of the duties with no hard feelings. When they agreed they may not have been pregnant or expected it to be like it is.

I have been married and had two kids. I am now getting remarried. And the really hard truth is babies trump wedding. And when you have babies (assuming you haven’t yet) you will see what I mean. I think it is important to remember that bridesmaids have lives that are outside of the wedding and their lives matter everybit as much as yours.

I hope that helps with perspective.

If it makes you feel any better I’ve literally seen my bridesmaids like twice together and we booked our venue and set a date in April 2018.
they live by me too.
its so sad. But most people don’t care I don’t think. They’re happy for you in a way, but it does kinda seem
like no one cares.
its a lonelymfeeling

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THIS!! Great advise right off the bat. LOL. Just to piggy back off of this...I totally understand what you are saying. My sisters, niece and daughter are my ppl. My twin sister could CARE LESS about anything wedding and hardly response to anything. I have to be like "HELLO!" Lol. She was really working my last nerves with how much she was being unsupportive. I did end up confronting her in a gentle way by asking if everything was okay in her life and then asking why she had been acting like a total not nice person. LOL. She apologized and has been some what better since then. She is busy. She is not in a love filled marriage so it is very hard for her to be super supportive. She out right said she is jealous. I had her back the whole way when she got married. Dress shopping, jewelry, plane trip that cost a grip..you name it. She was way too busy tot go dress shopping with me and just not interested.

Now my little sister, much more interested and supportive. My best friend that is a male, there every step of the way. So I have been happy regardless. Dont' let the ones that aren't that interested stress you out. Focus on the others. It will all work out. And yes, you have some months before they plan your bachelorette party. Give them a chance. If not, plan your own!!

I’ve had this same problem my MOH is my sister and her girlfriend is one my bridesmaids literally I told them to go on their day off to get measured for their size and order their dresses which I found a beautiful bridesmaid dresses for only $80! My sister kept saying she’d buy it when she had the money because she is paying for both hers and her girlfriends dress. She’s been taking trips to monterey spending money left and right which is fine, but its make me feel like I’m not important enough for her to do at least that. Me and my mom ended up estimating their sizes and order their dresses it just bothered me. Then one of my friends who is also a bridesmaid has really changed since she met her boyfriend she never hangs out anymore or has time and she came to my house 5 hours late to work on the table number center pieces. To top it off she brought her boyfriend also. It was supposed to be us girls and no one really gets along with her boyfriend hes rude and you can tell he was forced to be there. On the other hand my best friend has really been there for me shes the only one out of the 4 she’s on time has gone around shopping for supplies I’m lucky to have her. She genuinely is excited for me and to help plan. My two friends at work have said they will plan my bachelorette party and are excited to do so and they are not even included in the bridal party they are going to coordinate with my best friend. I believe bridemaids should help you in the planning process its not that difficult its not about just buying a dress and showing up!

View Quoted Comment You shouldn’t plan your own shower, so feel free to take that stress off your plate. If no one is offering to plan one for you, then unfortunately you don’t have one. If someone outside of your BP offers to throw you one, great! I would just say puck the date that works for you and go with that. I wouldn’t try to arrange it around them if they aren’t being responsive. Just pick a date that works for you and whoever is hosting it and send them the date. If they can make it, great, if not, they just don’t go and that’s ok. Good luck. I’m sorry your friends haven’t stepped more for you. I think you can definitely have a conversation with them about that. Don’t let it get to you. If they don’t get their dress then they just become a guest. It’s unfortunate, but reality sometimes.

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Wow in every post I jump in I see you being so harsh on people. I get everyone here has the right to give their opinion but you can always come up with nicer words. You clearly do not care about stuff like that but she does. Yeez!

Oh no, I was just going about my life with no cares and now I'm freaked out lol. My wedding is 7/4... they haven't planned anything for me and i don't think they have their dresses yet. I think you are better off than me... 😂

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry that I didn’t sugar coat my response to your liking...on a post that isn’t even yours. Thanks for your feedback.

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Not just my "liking", just the way you make people feel but I'm happy you never comment on mine

Weddings are a good time for reflection about friendship. I don't know you so I'm not trying to offend you or judge you, but you have to ask yourself why your friends don't seem excited for you. Your two friends who are pregnant- are you super gungho and excited for them? Are you planning events for them?

I have one friend who is always super supportive, excited, and understanding. She never complains. She definitely wouldn't call her friends lazy. She totally inspires me to treat her well, because I remember how she's treated me.

Again, I'm not trying to say that maybe YOU haven't been the greatest friend- I don't know. But if the answer is that maybe you haven't been totally excited for your friends either, that can be comforting too. Sometimes life just gets in the way. If you haven't expressed excitement for your friends, I bet you know that you still love them, you've just been busy. The same is true in reverse.

Take everyone's advice about dress ordering, and then just be the best friend that you can be and they'll want to do the same for you.

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One BM swears that 5 inches needs to be ADDED to her bust. I questioned whether or not she should maybe order a dress that actually fits, but I wasn't going to say that to her. She had this done last summer for a wedding and it made me chuckle!

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I am excited about the babies! I was with my best friend when she foundd out the gender and I threw her reveal party 2 weeks later. I'm decorating for her baby shower next month as well. We even picked out the outfit to tell her husband the gender right after her appointment! So I've been there through it all, without even mentioning my wedding. And she hasn't even asked so... That's kind of where I'm coming from. I'm there for everyone and everything, always putting the things I'm excited about to the side. It is what it is. The feelings suck though.