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Laura
VIP November 2019

Leaving a parent out of your wedding

Laura, on August 15, 2018 at 7:59 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26
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So, my mother. We recently went more than a year and a half without speaking after she told me to drop dead. The relief of not worrying about dealing with her was tremendous. She started calling occasionally a couple months ago and is now up to about twice a week. The conversations are short and awkward. She started calling more only after finding out I’m engaged. One the one hand, it seems like she’s trying to form some sort of relationship. On the other hand, she could just be angling for a wedding invite so she can make it all about her. It’s a special gift she has, taking other people’s special occasions and making it about her. I haven’t seen her in nearly nine years. She hates my Dad with a fiery hot passion, and he will most certainly be there. She dislikes my aunt & uncles too, who will likely be there.
So when I type it all out, it seems obvious-don’t invite her. But my hesitation is this-isn’t leaving a parent out of your wedding pretty extreme? Like, a relationship doesn’t come back from that. It seems like it would be a very final thing to do, and that unsettled me somehow. But at the same time, worrying about her interactions with my Dad and we’ll, frankly, everyone, indicates I don’t want her there. Thoughts?

26 Comments

Latest activity by Laura, on August 29, 2018 at 3:51 PM
  • S
    Beginner November 2019
    SaSa ·
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    No a relationship doesnt come back from a mother telling her child to "drop dead". I would absolutely not invite her with no hesitation.
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  • S
    Beginner November 2019
    SaSa ·
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    Also I know how it feels as I also had a parent tell me something similar and they too are trying to wedge their way back into my life.
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  • Tara
    Master September 2018
    Tara ·
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    This is obviously different but my sister is a recovering drug addict who destroyed her childrens lives and now shes just weird. Even though shes clean theres too much bad history there so she is not invited. One of the said nieces lived with me and fh last year and even though fh and i busted our buts to get her in a good place and make her happy it was never enough and all she did was disrespect our relationship. Even though ive heard she misses me and such i cant have her there. She was my best friend and maybe one day down the road this can be fixed, but on our special day celebrating our marraige, well that day will have to wait. Anyone that doesnt respect you or you have such a bad history with doesnt deserve to be there. It is your day and dont let these feelings make you feel guilty.
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  • Caitlin
    Devoted October 2018
    Caitlin ·
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    I don't have advice to give you since I'm in the same situation basically. I decided to invite my mom, and I'm going to see if she shows up. This way the ball is in her court, and I can see where she truly stands regarding our relationship. She doesn't get along with anyone else either lol and I'm not involving her in anything, just sending an invite like everyone else. We aren't even speaking so we'll see. Wish you the best!!
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    It amazes me how they think it should be so easy to forgive and pretend it never happened. Sorry to hear you’re going through a similar situation.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    Thanks. Every family has their drama it seems.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    Bold move on your part! With my mother if I invite her, I’m 90% sure she’ll come.
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  • Tara
    Master September 2018
    Tara ·
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    Sure does and just because they are family doesnt mean you have to put up with them and let them treat you badly. We get to choose the people we have in our lives
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  • H
    November 2018
    happeningmom ·
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    As a mom let me say that what was spoken is horrible and honestly no parent should say those words. With that being said none of us know what your relationship was before that date and what transpired for the situation to escalate to the point it did. I would personally invite her however I would set boundaries. I would hope that she is mature enough that even though she does not get along with other guests she can still smile, be cordial, and act correctly. If you do not think that this is possible then you have to decide if he attendance is going to be worth the stress you will be under. Also, not inviting her doesn't mean that you will never heal the relationship. In order for any relationship to work both parties need to want it, respect each other, and work for it.

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  • A
    Savvy July 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Based on what you’ve said, I probably wouldn’t invite her. It could lead to unnecessary family drama/issues and added stress for yourself. As you’re starting a fairly new relationship with her, I would see how things progress and maybe introduce her into your life later on if it seems right. If she is truely contacting you because she wants a relationship, then she should ultimately be understanding of why you chose to not invite her.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    That’s the other part of the problem: I can’t trust her to act properly. I can’t trust that she won’t try to pick at my Dad, or my uncles & aunt (1 aunt she hasn’t met) and try to cause a scene. Which my Dad & uncles would promptly put a stop to but by that time the damage is done. Bottom line is I don’t want her there. I just don’t want it to mean the end of trying to maintain contact.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    You said you "don't want her there." That's you answer. Do not invite her. That doesn't mean a relationship in the future isn't possible, but she's not the only person who gets to set the parameters of the relationship. You get a voice on this -- use it! Good luck! Smiley heart

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  • Danielle
    Expert March 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I haven’t spoken to my father in 4 years, haven’t seen him in maybe 6. He doesn’t know about FH and he is not welcome at my wedding. This is what makes me happy. Do what works for you.
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  • Katarine
    Savvy October 2018
    Katarine ·
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    My fiance's mom told him he was dead to her, and then a couple months later, she acted like it never happened. We don't play that game, so she and my fiance's dad are not invited.
    It sucks when people close to you or your loved ones think they can say things without consequences and act like it never happened.
    Stay strong! You can still have a relationship later with your mother, but right now, right before your big day, might not be the best time for YOU.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    It all seems like it’s such an obvious choice. And really, it is much clearer since I posted this. I don’t trust her to behave, I don’t want to be distracted from my own wedding worrying about what kind of scene she might make.

    But some little part of me, I guess, is resisting because I know how hurt she’ll be. It’s part of the problem-she really doesn’t understand how destructive she can is (major untreated mental health issues). I dread the eventual conversation-“no, mother, you’re not invited to the wedding” and the drama that will follow it.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I'm so sorry. Mental illness adds a whole different level of challenge to this. If that is a significant part of the issue, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that offers free resources for people with mental illnesses, and MORE importantly, to their family members. It is a GREAT resource and can really help you come to terms with how and when you set boundaries with your mom. All their resources are free. Start with their website (NAMI.org), but they have F2F chapters in every state. I strongly recommend their Family to Family course, which provides resources and support for family members who have family members with a mental illness (whether there is an official diagnosis or not)! Good luck to you! Smiley heart

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  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
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    Unfortunately if you don't invite her the communication will more than likely end. Does she live far from you? Maybe you and your FH could go out to dinner with her just to test out the waters and go from there.

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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    She lives about 2 1/2 hours away. FH would go if I asked him to but I honestly dread seeing her, period. She’d be a crying hot mess if we went to see her (and her a-hole H) and want to make it mean all kinds of things that it wouldn’t. She would assume, more than she does now, that all is forgiven. And it’s just not.
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  • A
    Devoted July 2019
    Ally ·
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    I'm sorry you are going through that, I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my mom... a more awkward one with my dad haha but it's just because of who he is. Listen, the way I look at it is, that is your mom... you would not be here without her, meaning.. you would have no wedding day without her having you in the first place. No one here knows your situation personally and although what she said to you is unacceptable, we also don't know what caused her yo say it. Is it so possible she had an undiagnosed mental disorder?

    I'd talk to her in person. Let her know how you feel... that she hurt you in the past and it's hard to look away from that. Hear her out. If give her some stipulations if you plan to invite her BUT don't make her feel unwanted. If worst come to worst, you have her escorted out. I know someone that's happened to. That's your mom though. Not inviting her may only brijng regret later in life. You don't know what you got til it's gone.
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  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
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    Let me just say this....you don't have to invite her just because she gave birth to you. It sounds like she has been nothing but chaos in your life and it is perfectly ok for you to choose to not have to deal with that on your wedding day. That day is about YOU and FH. It is not about her. Yes, it's sad that she can't be there. Yes, it's something that most moms want to do with their children. Mental illness aside, you have to have boundaries so that you do not continue to be hurt and let down by this woman. It's not your fault. You did not get to pick your mom. Good news is you do get to decide how much drama you are going to deal with from her. Your wedding day is one that deserves to be drama free! Don't let the guilt of society shame you into doing something that you know in your heart is not the right choice for you.


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