Legally Married but Officiant for our Wedding Day Question

You couldn't fake the marriage certificate. He's a real minister that has performed real weddings before, he would know that it would be his responibility to turn it in to the county... they don't just have you sign the paper and leave it at that (at least, not in my state). What I mean is, it's probably impossible to fake a pro and it's probably even more dishonest than the fact that you haven't told him about your marriage yet.

Now, something to think about.. he may be hurt by the truth, at first, but it's very likely that he will ultimately feel happy and relieved that you aren't "living in sin". Honestly, my father was MOST happy about our marriage and supported the civil union before hand for that exact reason. Nevermind that we were in love, nevermind that we complete each other and support each other in a way no one else can... we aren't having premarital sex anymore. ;P

My point is, come clean now and you may be suprised with the support you'll recieve.

You really only have two choices.

1. he doesn't marry you

2. he does marry you and you tell him the truth.

Good luck.

Here is what i Think my options are:

1) We tell them we already have someone officiating the marriage (which we do, our DJ does it as part of his package. He does know we are married. But having his father is much more meaningful).

2) We tell his family that we planning on legally getting married a few days prior to the wedding (they are coming out the friday before hand). So, he could prep his part of it knowing we are legally married; not have to fake any documents, etc, and it will still be all as new and exciting for them seeing their son as a "newlywed"

3) We tell him we have been married for several months and wait for the poop to hit the fan, and see if they even decide to come at all.

Oh and Courtney- I live in East County San Diego

It's really up to you... the first two options, no matter how you look at it, are lying to your family, which I don't see as a great way to start a union with your new family... The third option, although might be a little stressful to deal with, is just the absolute honest and mature decision IMHO.

Another thing to consider is that if his or your parents are contributing any money to this big, big and holy, moly expensive wedding, you reeeeaaaalllllllllllllly should considering telling them the truth.

FWIW, not one of my family judged us for what we did. We had our reasons and many thought it was a very smart idea and they were still very happy for us. But lying about this is a bit cowardly and very dishonest.. It's really up to you and your DH. If you think his father would be upset by you telling him, imagine how much more upset he would be if he found out without you telling him.

That's all I'm saying. I would really consider being honest.

Why not tell your dad that since he isn't certified in your state, you will just run to a JP and have the official thing done informally, and it won't matter what happens for the wedding. I had a friend do this because she wanted to be married by Elvis and he wasn't really an officiant. Her mom freaked out because she didn't go to the courthouse before the wedding, but then they revealed that they had already gotten married on an earlier trip to Vegas. lol.

Honestly, though, I would just tell him that you got married already because of a military issue. He will probably be disappointed but it might be better than telling another lie.

I'm gonna make this short & sweet cuz I dont want to come off too rude. Tell the truth. Plain & simple. You are a grown woman, you got married as a mature adult, you made a choice not to tell, & now it's biting you in the ass. Lying does no one good. You can keep the lie going all you want, but somehow, sometimes karma is a bitch and your family can find out anyway. So what if they're really religious. Again you're a grown up woman, not a child, it's none of their damn business how you choose to live. If you had originally told them you got married cuz you're both military & the benefits are worth it, they'd probably try to understand. Now waiting so long for it to come out & still trying to hide? Hell yeah they'll be pissed. Lying to family is wrong, anyone knows that.

ok that's not short or sweet. Sorry for being mean. I personally just really detest lying.

Since your FIL marries people all the time, he will want a license for you guys to sign, not to mention most of the time the minister submits the paperwork to the court. You HAVE to come clean with him, because I imagine there are some legal issues and laws you may be breaking in coming up with a fake license etc.

And quite honestly, if you can't come clean to your parents about getting married in the first place, then perhaps you're not mature enough to have gotten married.

^ OUCH! lol but I like that very good point in your last sentence

Kendall, I'm downtown. We should have a San Diego get together! There must be other girls on here from San Diego

Ok... I get this a lot. My husband and I got married a one day early because I wanted an intimate ceremony. We were happy to have our family there with us (parents and brothers), but we did not invite our extended families and friends.

We have yet to tell them. I told my cousin Emily and a couple friends including one that was there. H has told more of his friends than I have of mine.

My mother's advice was: why would you tell anyone? You don't want to rip the floor out from under them and tell them they didn't see what they thought they saw! I understand where she is coming from (and would be happy to speak with you via PM as well, if you want).

Luckily, our officiant was in on the secret. It worked well for us. However, I can see how your situation is more difficult. If I were you I would go with option 2.

I will warn you: having this kind of secret isn't fun. I don't like the fact that I am not open about my wedding date. It saddens me and makes me feel bad sometimes.

I once officiated a ceremony for a couple that was already officially married.

In their hearts, their family and I think themselves, their true wedding day was when the big day happen; even though the paper says otherwise and they understand that legally that is their marriage date.

Tell the minister that this would be a symbolic wedding, that should not be a problem. He will be happy of not going through the court filing.

We eventually decided it was in our best interest that We tell his parents the truth. They were very understanding; and now his dad can marry us. We are very happy.

If they were upset you were living together, they will probably be THRILLED you got married. I always appreciate it when couples open their hearts to me...it strengthens our bond. This is a man who loves, more than life, the man that you love. He knows paperwork is just paperwork...but the depth of your feeling for him and the desire for his participation will make all the difference. That is what you need to lovingly communicate. My guess is that he will appreciate your wanting to live your lives in truth.

I'm an officiant in Denver CO. I've done many ceremonies for couples who are already married for a variety of reasons. California and Colorado have similar laws. Do not get another marriage license since you are legally married on the date you did it (sorry to say but that is legally your date of marriage and you'll need to know it in the future. Dig out your marriage license and take a look at it.) Probably the best solution is to say you turned the marriage license in when you got it at the county clerk's office because he can't sign it since he's from out of state. Since you are already legally married you don't send in any paperwork and the minister doesn't have to be registered or anything to perform your ceremony.

Do you mind my asking what he will say? I'm in the same boat (not military, it's just that we are getting married out of state and don't want to deal with the hassle of an out-of-state license with the waiting period and increased price and everything) and I'm wondering what to have my uncle say. He is officiating, and is not ordained, and he won't have to be now that we're doing it this way. I'm just wondering how he will close the ceremony - "I now pronounce you man and wife"? "By the power vested in me"?

Either way you will have to tell your officiant that you are already legally married. That way they don't go through the hassle of extra paperwork. It sounds like it would be really special to have his father marry you guys.

My fiance's cousin did this when he was on active duty he called his mom told her, I think that would be best and 4 years later they got married, I think it's best to do a phone call or zoom call of some kind and explain the situation. Your family loves you so I'm sure they'll understand especially because when someone is on active duty there are many perks to being married when on active duty. And still, his father can perform the ceremony it be a religious one and that's nice.