Lied to?!

Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel them, but I also don't think anyone is necessarily in the 'wrong' in your situation. I view it as a problem with communicating and not being honest with one another about how you feel.

It sounds to me like he just wanted you to be happy and knew that being engaged would do that, and he put his feelings aside to spare you being hurt. Should he have been honest with you at the get go? Yes. But I also don't think it was wise to tell people that you both were seriously thinking about it. I feel like discussing milestones like that should be kept between the couple.

Has he given an actual reason to why he's not ready? I know with my FH, his reasoning was that he wanted us to be done with school and be more financially stable. It's worth talking about though, because ultimately, you both need to be on the same page.

I agree with SHY. There's nothing wrong with you being upset, that's definitely valid. This may not have been something he did purposely though. Sounds like it's a good time for you guys to really talk about this and figure out what you're both expecting from your relationship and when.

I also agree that you probably should have waited to tell people that you're thinking about it until it actually happens. He probably felt embarrassed to tell you how he was feeling after more people learned about it.

My fiancé and I both agreed we were at that step almost a year before he proposed, and we didn't actively go around telling everyone that we were going to get engaged soon. Our close friends and family knew that was the eventual next step, but they were kept in the dark about a timeline until it actually happened.

He knowingly led you on. Sat back as you told people. That's neither boyfriend nor marriage material. If he was having doubts he should have told you asap. And he shouldn't commit to marriage unless he plans to stay committed.


For how long had he changed his mind? If he took a couple of weeks to muster up the courage to tell you, that would be more understandable. If it was several months before he was "ready" to tell you, I'd seriously question his maturity and reconsider the relationship.

There aren't a lot of details here.

When you say "we were discussing getting engaged," do you mean he was actively pursuing this conversation himself, or is this something you brought up and he went along with?

I ask because you also said "we were looking at wedding rings and telling people" but later, "he knew I was telling people" as if he wasn't actually participating... so I can't help but wonder if he has been an active participant, or he's just been going along with you and your desires.

Because I'm not entirely convinced he initiated the marriage talk, I think lie is a strong word. I feel it's more likely that he just went along with it because he worried what would happen if he didn't. And while going along with the marriage talk isn't the greatest thing to do, you need to consider your own behavior and why he may have felt the need to do it, too. Rarely does anyone do anything unprovoked - people hide their feelings and keep quiet usually because they have been given a good reason to suspect negative consequences if they do otherwise.

If that truly isn't what happened, then maybe he has genuinely changed his mind - which still wouldn't mean he lied to you.

The only way to get to the bottom of it is to have an honest, open discussion. And by that, I mean one where you are not accusing him of lying to you, you don't accuse him of hurting or embarrassing you (after all, it isn't his fault you told people without it being official,) and you keep your emotions in check so he feels he can be honest with you. If he truly changed his mind, ask why - he may have legitimate concerns. If it's just that he felt pressured to partake in this "getting engaged discussion," then it's a sign maybe you overstepped. Or it could be something more troubling than that. But you won't know until you talk.

Just be wary of the idea that a man not being ready for marriage instantly means he must be immature, and be cautious of slapping the blame 100% on him. Most of the time, it isn't that black and white.

Who is the one who started the engagement conversation?
Who was the one who said let's look at rings?
Was he also telling people or just sitting back while you did all the talk, neither agreeing or denying what you were telling people?

View Quoted Comment He was the one who initiated wanting to get engaged sooner. He had changed his mind at some point and knew but didn’t say anything while I was telling people

View Quoted Comment I agree with this.


Also another thing is that some women are so desperate to get married that they end up pushing their man into something they aren't really ready for. I'm not saying you're desperate just saying that some women push the marriage topic so much that the man either feels pressured by his girlfriend or he puts his feelings aside to keep her happy. I've watched my friend do this with her boyfriend for years. Begging for a ring, giving him a time line, telling him how her demands of how big of a diamond she is going to want every year he keeps her waiting, telling him how she would leave him. He finally proposed to her and left her at the alter and called her telling her he couldn't do it cause he just wasn't ready.

View Quoted Comment Ok then I totally understand your feelings. He should have never initiated a conversation about it until he was 100% sure that, that was what he wanted.

The fact that he watched you excitedly talk about your plans while knowing they weren’t going to happen is flat out mean.

This guy needs to grow up or y’all need to break up. That is truly toxic

View Quoted Comment I want to add he is the one who brought up marriage! It was not me, I asked him many times if he wasn’t serious to let me know because it would break my heart. Low and behold a week later he finally said he wasn’t ready and I am heart broken. I was not the one to initiate the conversation

I can understand you’re hurt but I don’t think he lied. I think you telling friends too soon, and maybe him thinking about a wedding/marriage (costs, changes, expectations, etc), may have spooked him. When you’re in a calm place ask him about why his change of mind. Don’t try to convince him otherwise, see if you can just get him to open up and share—your job is to listen. Give what he says some thought. Then both of you can discuss it. A counselor might help at some point too.