Long distance engagement is breaking my heart

Why are you long distance? Can you move your wedding date up? Can one of you move closer to the other or could you both move somewhere in the middle of where you both currentl live now? Just trying to better understand the circumstance around why things are the way they are

Communication is key in any & every relationship. Have you expressed this to your fiancé?

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Communication is definitely the key and its something that we hold as a #1 value on our relationship. He knows that I've taken my ring off and he knows because he can hear it when I talk to him on the phone. I've always been very honest with him but I don't want to say more anymore because I just don't know what to do anymore I don't want to keep complaining to him.

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We aren't too long of distance but it is just far enough that it makes a lot of things inconvenient. I live on my own and he still lives with his family. Since I'm the one unable to save a lot of money he stays with his family so he doesn't have to pay bills and can keep saving. His job is also more convenient to commute from his location. House hunting is going to be Hell but that is a whole other story. His family is also very strict traditional people and we're trying to do things our way (believe me even him visiting me for a weekend is like the worst thing to my in-laws...we have to fight for everything) but we also don't want to push the envelope and cause so much drama. So we don't live together.

View Quoted Comment So why are you not wearing your ring?

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I totally understand not wanting to push the envelope too much because you guys don't want to cause drama, however, I also think it's super important for couples to come across as a unit and show that you're going to do things your way and do what works the best for you both as a couple. I don't know if he is the type to let his family get away with things just to keep the peace but I get the vibe that his family is running your relationship and I advise you guys put a stop to that now before you're married and it's a bigger issue. You guys, especially your FH since it's his family, need to put your foot down and make decisions with only your guys' happiness in mind, not either of your families. I get that might be hard but when you're getting married you're starting your own family with your FH and I feel like in order for them idea to get across to his family, you guys need to make your own decisions and stick to them. For example, you guys should be spending holidays together considering you're engaged. Too bad if family doesn't like it!

View Quoted Comment Yes, all of what Sarah said. You guys are getting married. The most important thing to both of you should be your own relationship and approaching life with all its ups and downs together, as a unit. Don’t let his family tell you what to do and don’t let him put his family first. He should put you first always, no excoriations. Tell them you’re adults and will love your life together the way you want. If you let them get away with bossing you around now, they will continue to try to run your life even after you’re married. Maybe it’s just my personality but I’d actually want to cause drama in this situation. In fact, I do know my own relationship in much smaller ways (since my in-laws are not nearly as bad).

I’ve been in this situation before and I think you’ll have to take action soon. Do things together or not at all. I chose not at all in my case. But it sounds like you’re really in love and you should do whatever it takes to get a new job and/or move in together. I know the parents don’t approve but is it worth losing him?

*exceptions (not excoriations, whatever that means?). Not sure how to edit a post. I just got so angry for you that my fingers made weird typos.

I’m confused why your fiancé isn’t just coming over to your side of the family for the holidays or standing up to his parents?? The long distance thing is tough but the not spending holidays together part is what needs more attention at the moment.

So do you live by n your own ot with your parents? If you are in your own he can move in with you. His parents may not like it but you are adults. They should not be able to tell you how to live by there standards. I know you may. Or save up as much money but I think it comes between a what is better for you thing.

View Quoted Comment I agree! I don’t think I could take the distance or being separated for the holidays because of silly “family rules.” You’ve already done this for two years, but your wedding isn’t until Feb 2020? I would seriously think about eloping! Then, you can live together while saving up for a vow renewal/reception in 2020.

If you two are adults, then what does it matter what your in laws say? Go spend the holidays together. Let them be mad. The holidays are for spending time with your loved ones.

So.... the non-married holiday thing is a huge red flag for me. His parents should not dictate your lives like that. If they are doing it now, they will definitely do it when you’re married. You and your FH need to have a serious conversation about how you would like to spend your holidays and stick to your agreement.

As as far as long distance goes, it’s sucks. My FH and I did long distance for 5 years and wouldn’t see each other for 4-12 weeks at a time. It can build up a lot of resentment and negativity. Our relationship definitely sucked those 5 years. However, once it ended, and we started being together more often, our relationship dramatically improved and it’s the strongest our relationship has ever been.

If possible, i highly suggest ending the LDR before the wedding. You don’t want to come into a new marriage with all this negativity and hurt feelings. I would suggest living together or closer for a time to see if you’re relationship improves. It made all the difference for us (and we still live 45 minutes apart). This will give you a much clearer understand of where your relationship stands.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. LDR are so hard!

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Agree, I feel like yall really need to stand up for your relationship. Yall are getting married, it's yalls life not theirs.

Communication is vital, you have to make a plan and organize your relationship around it. For how long have you been in this situation and how much more time you guys have left?

My husband and I have been together for a little more than 3 years and in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. We live in different countries and we see each other for a week every 3 months.

We have made it because we have learnt to communicate effectively. It has been so hard, being dating, engaged, now married and planning a ceremony while in a LDR, but for us the goal is worth it.

Think about why do you want to marry him in the first place and go from that. The goal of being married and living together in the future will keep you guys together.

If you guys are adult enough to get married then he should be adult enough to stand up to his parents. I get that they are strict and traditional, but you guys are going to be starting a life together. You need to do what is right for your relationship, not what others tell you.

I'm confused why he isn't just going to the holidays with your family if his won't allow you to come. He needs to set boundaries or they will continue to try and rule your relationship even after you get married.

In the meantime, can the long distance be remedied? If he is living with his parents then can you move closer to him? Or even better, can you two move in together?

It isn't ok to be this unhappy, and your wedding is quite a ways away. This situation is clearly unsustainable as it is right now. Hopefully you guys can talk it out and see what you can do to improve things.

Have you talked to him about this? Are you not living together because of his parents, or because you guys don't want to prior to being married? It is very hard making time for yourself when you have large families and they are nearby, but you just have to. Your husband or wife HAS to come before your parents or siblings or your marriage won't be a happy one.

THIS IS AN UPDATE PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!

Just as an update I want everyone to understand that everything we do is a constant uphill battle with his family. They had a huge problem with him spending weekends with me alone in my own place. They think he is sleeping on the couch and every time he visits me (this is every other weekend for almost two years) they still argue with him about it. We get our way though with it. We put our foot down and he visits regardless of the arguing.

While I understand everyone about the Holidays, this is something that I've discussed with their family and they know that this will not be the case next year. I don't want to be brash and completely disrespect a tradition for someone (as dumb as I think it is)...I wouldn't want that done to me. They know that next year, when we are mere months away from walking down aisle, I WILL be spending the holidays with my fiance. Do they agree? No. But they will have to live with it. I want a good relationship with my in-laws and we have to select the times to put our foot down and the times to meet each other halfway. He did spend Thanksgiving with my family. He came regardless of his family to make a statement and we decided to not do the following holidays. This is our foot in the door. They are VERY stubborn, and my fiance is under constant pressure from his parents, me, and my parents.

My fiance is trying the best he can to be a good future husband, a son-in-law and a son. He just got a brand new job (that he has worked very hard for) with a long commute and he is adjusting. That is a lot of roles to fill. So while I understand everyone's concerns about this holiday problem, I want you to know that things are more complicated than just the holidays and that we are constantly pulled in many directions between families with different lifestyles, our relationship, the distance, and trying to find a home together. We work as a team. Always.

Of course I'm still having sincere trouble with being happy right now. I am still having a hard time working with holidays and distance and whatever else I've listed in the first post but what I want to know from all of you is if you've ever experienced unhappiness at any point in your relationship and how you've worked with it. I don't know how to stop feeling resentful no matter how many times I've discussed and vented to my fiance. I can't get over the way I feel about everything.

I am sorry you are going through this. It appears that he needs to set some boundaries with his parents. It doesn't sound like they are going to agree with anything he does, so he might as well make you happy. If you have your own place, I would seriously consider asking him to move in with you. I know we do not know the whole story, but it appears that he puts "keeping the peace" above your relationship and happiness and that is not ok. It's time to man up and become a true partner to you. That is what you do for a spouse.

I hope that you both can work through this and that you can once again be happy. Best of luck to you.