Losing my mind

I think the two of you need to have a discussion again and come up with a new compromise for this wedding. Backyard weddings only seem less expensive and simpler to plan, but logistically they are much more difficult, as you are finding out. I would look into having a ceremony followed by dinner reception in a private room at a restaurant.

I'm not sure what is the date of your wedding, but there are a few budgeting and planning strategies you and your partner could use to keep calm with spending. First, both of you should tally how much you can save per month and by what deadline. That is your maximum budget and wedding date. You should ideally have a budget range with low being the necessities and the high for possible extras. Knowing how much both of you are contributing makes everything transparent and implies ownership to your goal.

Second, do your research on typical vendors in your area to get perspective. No sense setting a budget that doesn't cover everything you wanted. However, there are many ways to cut costs you can find here on WW posts, from postponing a honeymoon, to designing your own invitations. A backyard wedding is rarely less expensive and more piecemeal versus an all-inclusive space. You will have to rent all from chairs to linens, hire bathroom facilities, and have a weather contingency plan. Your in-law's plan of $1k barely covers food for 20. You will also need additional tables, chairs, centerpieces, etc. So you will have to present to them itemized costs and see if they can cover 20 ppl. If not, cut that guest list because your friends are not less important than aunts and uncles. Or look into the local parks department that may have outside or covered facilities you can economically rent.

Third, on the emotional aspect, you are the bride but you have equal vote as your groom. So while it's nice to pull a bride's veto, this is not realistic or modern. Many on WW have grooms who want the big wedding while they want an elopement. Often this is due to woes about planning burden. If your partner wants to pull their weight financially, then you both may have to plan your wedding later, or if you can't wait, have a low-cost wedding now. You want to have similar financial goals. If need be, tell them you are wary of all these financial burdens when you have other ideas for your money (whether shared or separate). Be honest and find a way to compromise.

Fourth, there are options to help soothe your anxiety with crowds and being center of attention. Some WW posts discuss options like a first look and reading private vows to each other. Good luck.

Ok, so how far along are you in the planning process? Have you sent out save the dates yet, or is this all still in the preliminary planning stages (other than already purchasing the house, which presumably you also bought to live in, not just to hold a wedding there)? It sounds like you’re still on those early stages, so you can definitely start reining this in. Based on your post, it sounds like you’re having a full wedding because HE wants it. You’ve extended your guest list because HIS FAMILY wants it. And all of this, minus their $1k, is coming out of YOUR wallet. Girl, I’m sorry, but it’s time to start saying no! You and FH need to sit down and come up with what you can realistically afford. This can include what you feel comfortable contributing if that’s less than what you technically could put in. And that’s it. That’s your wedding budget. If FH or his family are expecting more, then show them a spreadsheet with numbers and explain why that’s not possible, or that you’re going to have to postpone the wedding to allow you more time to save. And if their $1k is contingent on those extra guests, then just decline their money. Finally, this needs to be an event both of you are happy with, and that will require compromise. You’ve already given up elopement. Maybe it’s his turn to either agree to a microwedding with a guest count you’re comfortable with, or start eliminating some of his wish list items. Regardless, you need to start standing up for your own interests here. Once you have a more manageable event that you feel more secure paying for, that will alleviate some of this stress.

Backyard weddings can be pricier and more stressful than say just renting out a room at a restaurant.

Ultimately it sounds like you need to work on setting and keeping your boundaries when it comes to other people. You're having this for everyone else at this point.

I hope the day goes amazingly for you! Feel free to vent here, we get it!

Hi all, I really appreciate your comments and advice. It feels really validating. I'm unfortunately now one month out (August 26), which is probably what's causing a lot more of anxiety and regret for not being more firm and explicit about my boundaries earlier on when there was room to pivot. Other than most of the guest list, most of the choices have been my own based on what kind of day I would like to have no that I can't elope and my partner has been supportive of the vision... I'm an artist and very aesthetically sensitive and feel a lot of satisfaction with DIY, which was very satisfying (at first!), but I think it would have been a lot more manageable with the initial smaller group. What follows is a lot of detail nobody asked for, but in reading through, it has been helpful to vent and outline how supportive my partner, friends, and family have been in creating a day special for us/me.

To elaborate: I've been obsessive with weighing options and the budget, though many essential things were more expensive (rentals particularly) than initially expected. Aside from making some silly mistakes (e.g., building DIY string light poles that just fall over), it has been relatively low compared to more traditional events. When I was initially pricing things out last fall and calling around for potential restaurants or venues for a smaller group, I wasn't able to find a space that was wheelchair accessible, appealing, and within budget. When the guest list was still small, we were planning on doing our own food and having friends and family contribute, but when it grew past 45, we had to shift to catering (people wouldn't stop telling me I should I got sick of defending the DIY/potluck approach). As a vegetarian with many vegan friends, this really limited our options for caterers in a small city, so we are going with a food truck that will pre-make pasta for the main course and some wood-fired pizza to fill in the gaps (e.g., gluten-free, vegan, meat). I wanted a charcuterie spread, but will likely need to dial back the vision for budget's sake. My parents made wine and we are getting a keg... I'm on the fence of what other alcohol to provide as I'd rather not have anyone get too drunk. My sister has an urban farm business and will make salad and provide flowers; I'm a potter, so I've made most of the serving dishes and vases for centrepieces. I really wanted a Mediterranean family al fresco dinner-vibe, so I've collected vintage dishes that were cheaper than renting, made and dyed my own napkins, purchased discounted and vintage linens, and purchased most glassware from IKEA because it was only marginally more expensive than renting and if I sell afterward, I'll be better off. We have the cheapest folding chairs I'm dressing up with cheap ribbon and using disposable dishes/glasses/napkins for the bar, apps, and cake. My dress is patterned, non-traditional and from Reformation and we do not have bridal parties. I declined to do a bachelorette or bridal shower. I'd prefer to do a girl's trip in the next year or two and a honeymoon in the winter.

I looked at 25 years of weather history for that day and there hasn't been rain and we've had drought conditions most of the summer... we can't fit a large tent in our backyard and the tent rentals in my area are all $2k, so the backup includes several smaller market tents. I'm in discussion with a church down the street to reserve their hall, but if that's not possible, I honestly wouldn't mind if the day or dinner was cut a bit short and we just did food truck pizza and drinks partially inside and out rather than a sit-down dinner.

I have a lot of friends and family who are eager to help out where needed and a friend taking on coordination, but I'm a control freak, so it's been hard to sit back and trust that everything will be fine. Other than figuring out the food service style and finalizing the menu, there's not much left to do or buy that can't be rented last minute or picked up from the dollar store. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay if things aren't perfect, but I would still love a time machine to go back and be firmer and more explicit about my boundaries or ask my partner to do that with the ILs so I wouldn't feel guilty. I'll look through the discussion board for strategies related to feeling more comfortable being the center of attention, which I do not love. I do not want a grand entrance and plan to mingle with guests before we have a more casual start to a (hopefully) short and sweet ceremony officiated by my best friend who introduced us.

In retrospect, I probably didn't need to tile and repaint the kitchen, install new lighting, re-lay the patio, or do as much landscaping as I did... I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice. If any guest is snobby or disappointed, they better have brought a good gift or we're done, lol.