Losing your Father unexpectedly before your wedding.

Wow, I never thought I would have so much in common with a perfect stranger.

You married on My 31, 2015 and lost your father the previous October.

I am to marry the same weekend this coming May, and I have unexpectedly and very suddenly lost my father this past October from heart disease.

My entire being misses him everyday and planning this wedding now, after we had been planning it together feels cruel and impossible.

Any advice on how to get through the planning and the day I would greatly appreciate.

My papi and I were incredibly close and no man will ever love me and cherish me the way he did and continues to do.

I can be grateful that he knew the man I choose and welcomed him with open arms as he was ready and excited to pass the torch and walk me down the aisle.

I don't know how to accept this defeat...

Jenny, I'm so glad you reached out to me. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish this pain on no one! Our stories are so similar. We are so blessed to have Fathers who loved and cherished us.  My dad also was involved with planning the wedding and he knew and loved the man I chose to marry. Being 2 years ahead of you on this journey I hope you will find comfort and hope in what I write. I wondered so many times before my wedding if I could actually be happy on that day. I wondered if all I would feel is the extreme pain and grief I currently felt. I wondered if I'd be crying uncontrollably as I walked down the aisle without my dad. The emotions you feel while planning a wedding without a dad is very conflicting. It hurts and is so painful because it makes you miss your dad so much, and yet you’re planning your wedding and that's an exciting and joyous occasion. I found that to allow myself to experience both feelings (joy & pain) at the same time as I planned my wedding was OK and it helped. I'd plan or do something exciting for the wedding and then have a cry or a moment to myself.By the time I got married it was almost 8 months since my dad passed. I knew that I wanted to honor my father at my wedding somehow but since his passing was so fresh I wanted to be delicate and avoid any triggers. I found this poem online called "My little girl don't cry for me". It was exactly what he would say to me on my wedding day. I included this poem in my wedding program with his name and date of birth / death.

The morning of the wedding, I got ready with my bridesmaids each of who have been a great support to me. It helped to be with them and to get ready with them. It’s a good distraction and your bridesmaids are so excited and pumped for you it makes the mood happy & joyful.

I had my 2 brothers both walk me down the aisle. I am extremely close to both of them. Right before I was going to walk down the aisle, I had some tears, but then I had complete joy and peace for the entire ceremony and reception. I truly felt my dad’s presence with me. I chose to skip the father daughter dance. That majorly helped me avoid any triggers. In fact, my fiancé & mother in law were so sweet and chose to forgo the mother son dance too. So skipping the special dances (besides the first dance) helped me not dwell & be reminded that my dad was not there. The wedding goes by so fast, it wasn’t even missed. I had both of my brothers give the "Father of bride speech". I shed some tears as they mentioned my dad but it was beautiful and appropriate to acknowledge him.

Overall, for me the journey to the wedding day was more difficult and painful then the wedding day itself. You really do feel the love and support from family and friends and that vibe keeps the day joyful for you. My faith in God & prayers have also helped carry my broken self through the grief and the whole wedding planning process and thereafter. With time, I can now look back and say the pain of losing my dad has lightened up. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of him, and at times, it still hurts like crazy; but it doesn't hurt every second of every day like in the beginning. Please feel free to continue reaching out to me if you have questions or need more advice.

Dear Jenny and Bbgon, I was looking on Google about planning a wedding while grieving your father and I found this topic and I'm very grateful for that. I lost my father on april 29th and my wedding date is august 19th. I'm really really lost and not sure what to do, because the pain is unimaginable (I know you both understand what I mean). My father was so excited about the wedding and was helping me with lots of the details. He used to love parties and celebrations and I was planning this huge wedding to please him - not that I didn't want, but I would be happy with 100 guests, while he wanted to invite every friend and relative of our big family. Suddenly, everything changed and I don't know if I'm strong enough to walk down the aisle. I thought about postponing it, but I don't know if it would make it easier. Also, I'm from Brazil and I have friends from US, Europe and New Zealand coming, so I would feel terrible asking them to cancel their flight tickets and losing a lot of money. I'm very afraid of being sad on this very important day. What do you think? Thank you so much in advance

Dear Marilia,

I completely understand your pain and I am so sorry. The pain in these early days after your dad passes feels unbearable, it hurts to breathe. I was so lost after my dad passed. It feels like a horrible nightmare. Please take comfort in knowing that the pain does ease up with time and you will find joy again. I was so scared too of not being strong enough to walk down the aisle. I prayed a lot during the wedding planning process that God could give me strength to endure it all. I prayed God would give me joy and peace on my wedding day that surpasses all understanding. I look back now and can say that my wedding day was one of the most beautiful and best days of my life, even though my father was not physically there. For me, the wedding planning process was more painful to go through then the actual wedding day. Because my father's passing was so fresh, I avoided any triggers on the wedding day that may of magnified the pain of him not being there. I skipped the special dances, besides the Bride & Groom first dance. Overall, I felt him close to me the entire day. As I walked down the aisle with my 2 brothers, I did not feel any emptiness. I had peace. It is so wonderful your father has been involved with your wedding plans/details. Those memories will be precious to you and will give you comfort and strength. My dad was excited and involved with my plans too and it was a comfort that he knew all about my wedding. In your situation, with having guests fly in from different countries, I understand why it would be difficult to post pone the wedding. Whatever you decide, your guests will understand though. Do what is best for you and whatever will help you survive through this really difficult time. Either way, just know the joy on your wedding day will trump any grief/pain you may feel. The out pour of love you will receive from family and friends on your wedding day keeps the day joyful and it will also give you strength. Please feel free to continue reaching out to me any time or if you need any advice.

Dear BBGON,

It was really really important to read your message. I decided I'm going to keep my plans. As you said, I'm so afraid to walk down the aisle. Also, I fear that everyone will only think about his absence (including me). But I1m trying to focus on the fact that he was happy, that he loved my fiancé as a son and that I still have my mum and sisters.

Thank you once again for supporting me <3

I'm praying for some peace in my heart

Needing some help- I just lost my dad on April 11th due to heart issues. It was the most devestating day of my life. My dad had not been well for awhile- but this was sudden and unexpected. My wedding is August 18th, and he was excited to plan it with me and be there. I just feel so lost without him. He was always my voice of reason. I have to be upbeat for my mom and sister now. Luckily I have an amazing fiancé who has been unbelievably supportive and loving throughout this experience too. He had known and become very close with my dad- and my dad loved him. Going back to work is not going to be fun.. holidays are going to be rough. It is just so hard to do anything. I can’t believe this to be real. I had the tasting yesterday and that was very hard, knowing that he would have loved to be there. Reading what everyone had to say in this post helped. I am very sorry for everyone’s loss- it is horrible to lose your father or a family member- especially right before your big day.

View Quoted Comment Dear Amanda,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My heart hurts for you. I wish this pain on no one. I understand how you feel...Learning to live without a parent is so painfully unfamiliar and excruciating. Similar to you, I was just a few months away from my wedding day when my father unexpectedly passed. I remember feeling like the life I knew was just ripped away. I could barely make sense of how I could continue on, how was my family going to survive this. I couldn't believe this was real..it was agonizing...then add wedding planing to this mix..I remember being so scared I couldn't do it..I found strength from praying a lot to the Lord, asking Him to carry me through what felt impossible to do at the time...Like you, my father loved my fiance and knew him well. He was excited for my wedding and knew a lot of the plans. You are so blessed you had this as well.. Hang on to that light as you continue to survive this and wedding plan. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello,

I am getting married on June 9, 2018 and I lost my father on March 28, 2018. I googled how to grieve the loss of a parent before your wedding and I came across your comment on wedding wire. I wanted to see how you were doing and to see how your wedding went. I hope you had an amazing day.

I’m the oldest child of three children and I always knew I wanted to be a wife and someday a mother. I always imagined my father being a major part of my wedding day from walking me down the aisle to having our first dance. My wedding is the first for my immediate family. My fiancé and I decided to keep the wedding on the same day because my father wouldn’t have wanted us to cancel it but we did change everything around from being local and very traditional to now getting married away at a vineyard.

I look forward to seeing how your wedding day went and seeing how you’re doing from then to now.

Take care,

Danielle

View Quoted Comment

Hi Danielle,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am so sorry about your loss. I know that pain and the heartbreak you are feeling..I too never imagined in a million years that my father would not physically be there on my wedding day. I was so scared of how I could get through my wedding day without feeling the agonizing heart break of losing my dad. I wondered if my wedding day would be filled with joy....or if all that I would think about is the absence of my father. I can look back now and say that my wedding day was one of the most beautiful days of my life. It was filled with pure joy and the overwhelming love and support from family and friends gave me strength and trumped any pain I felt. As I walked down the aisle with my 2 brothers, I did not feel any pain or sorrow. I had peace in my heart and I truly felt my father's presence with me the entire day... I was sure to avoid any triggers on the wedding day that may of magnified the pain of my dad not not being there. I skipped the special dances besides the Bride & Groom first dance...Overall, for me, the wedding planning process was more painful to go through then the actual wedding day... It has now been 3 1/2 years since I lost my dad. Take comfort in knowing that the pain does lessen. In the early days of my father's passing, I felt like the life I knew was just ripped away. The pain was agonizing. It was so hard to make sense of how I could continue on.... how my family was going to survive this. I couldn't believe this was real....Now, the pain doesn't hurt every second of every day like in the beginning. I can breathe again and the Joy in life slowly comes back, but it is a process. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my dad, but my faith in the Lord, my family, and my loved ones, have all helped me survive this journey of learning to live without my father. I am so sorry again for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to continue reaching out anytime!

That is very comforting to know that someday I can feel the way you do today. I am 26 years old and I know I have my whole life planned ahead of me. My father and my family are everything to me. I know he will be with me in spirit on my special day but I also know it’s not the same. I have a brother and a sister but my mother said she wants to walk me down the aisle and we are going to have a dance together. I do feel nervous for the day because of how I’m going to feel knowing he isn’t there. Maybe since it’s such a busy day and there will be lots of people who love and care about us, the thought of him not being there but looking down on us, will bring me some comfort and peace. I want to honor my father in someway on my day but he wouldn’t have wanted it to feel like a memorial . At the end of the night, my fiancé and I are going to light a wish lantern with a note attached to my Dad, while all of our guests around Us hold sparklers. I hope it is a beautiful day and I feel the presence of my father. I appreciate you reaching back out to me and it comforts me knowing that someone else in the world understands the pain and struggle that I am going through. Thank you again!

View Quoted Comment Your are welcome! I love your lantern idea. That is very beautiful. I chose to honor my father by having a poem called "My little Girl Don't Cry for Me" in my wedding programs. It is a poem from a father looking down from heaven to his daughter on her wedding day. The words are exactly what my dad would say to me. I didn't want to do anything either that would make it feel like a memorial. The wedding day does go by sooo fast and it will be so busy...so many things going on, the time flies....Several brides who reached out to me from this post have gotten back in touch with me after their weddings letting me know that their day was beautiful, filled with joy and love. They all experienced the same feelings I did...that despite their fathers not physically being there, they could feel their dads presence with them and they had joy and happiness on their day. You will too. Your wedding day will be beautiful!

Omg I thought I was the only person in the world that felt like this I want to dance with my father to butterflie kiss in the night and if you go and look at the videos you can see the girl lost her father when I was planning my wedding I thought how I the world could some one go through that and guess what I did 6 months before my wedding and he never got to see my ring or anything but the hall and my horse and carriage he promised me since I was a little girl I hate everyone for taking that one day away from me I got married at 43

View Quoted Comment

I am so happy to have found this board tonight. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my grief.

We just lost Dad in the early hours of Friday morning, Nov 6 to a long battle of multiple chronic health conditions (congestive heart failure, diabetes, end stage renal failure, liver disease, and a partial foot amputation Nov 2). I am simply lost. I don't know where to start and it all feels so unreal. Like you said, a terrible nightmare.

I am getting married this Saturday, Nov 14. He will only be gone 8 days as I walk down the aisle. Due to COVID, we are not having a funeral so there won't be much in the way of closure or a day to allow myself to grieve without interruption. In addition to all of this, I am a full time nursing student in my last 6 months of school. I am pulled in a million directions all at the same time.

I am scrambling last minute to find ways to honor him and yet not overwhelm myself, my mother and my sister with his absence. I am feeling all of the same things you mentioned in this post. I am fearful of being overwhelmingly upset with his absence as it will be the first event in our new lives without him. I worry that I will cry more than I will smile. I worry that I will wish to be anywhere but my own wedding. I worry that there will be times that I just want to run away and cry in the corner. I knew there would be a chance he wouldn't get to walk me down the aisle or do the Father/Daughter dance if he was still struggling from the foot surgery but I never imagined that he wouldn't be there to celebrate. I nearly hyperventilated in the ER waiting room when Mom told me that his struggles were finally over.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for a tiny glimmer of hope. Because even a tiny glimmer is astronomically more than I had prior to reading your posts. I will be thinking of your words as I work through my emotions and grief in the next few days.

- Melissa

View Quoted Comment Hi Melissa,
I wanted to let you know that I read your post when it came in. Im sorry I wasn't able to respond back in time before your wedding. I hope you were able have more joy than sorrow on your special wedding day....i was glad my post was able to bring some sort of comfort and hope during this incredibly difficult time. I wish this pain on no one! Learning to live without a loved one is so painfully unfamiliar, especially a parent....grief is a journey and at times it will feel unbearable...hang in there...what helped during the first few months was taking it one day at a time...doing what you need to do to just survive that one day....With time, the heaviness of the pain does lighten up. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my dad, and at times, it still hurts like crazy; but it doesn't hurt every second of every day like it does right now in the beginning ....im sending my love and prayers to you.

I love my dad about 6 weeks before my wedding. He’d been sick but we always had hope. I was told he not only could come to the wedding but even walk me down the aisle. His last wish was for his best friend to walk me down the aisle. My husband is AMAZING but has never felt a big death close to him and doesn’t understand me being upset. My dads birthday is coming up and he thinks it’s dumb to care. My sister in law also makes fun of me for not just getting over it.