Maid of Honor, Bridesmaid or Nothing?

I think I would ask her to be a bridesmaid. You live on completely opposite ends of the east coast, she should understand that you need your maid of honor to be someone that can be there to help you through this process. I'm sure she knows that if she lived closer, she would without a doubt be your maid of honor. If bridesmaid isn't enough for her, I don't think you should have her in the wedding party at all. You shouldn't have to front the bill for her if you're not doing it for the other girls.

Members of your wedding party don't have "duties," other than to show up and wear the correct outfit. If she can't afford the dress, you can simply tell her you don't want to contribute to her financial stress and that she's welcome to just come as a guest if she prefers. However, downgrading her or kicking her out is a friendship-ending move. You just don't do that to someone who has been your bestie for 16 years.

I definitely would not kick her out. That's a friendship ending move right there

I would keep her as MOH. Demoting is a really hurtful move

This exactly.

You choose your maid/matron of honor based on who is closest to you. None of the other things you are talking about are required. There really isn't any way to make any changes to her title in the bridal party without causing damage to your friendship. Kicking her out of the bridal party completely is a friendship ending move, as someone above has already mentioned, and taking away the maid of honor title is essentially telling her you care more about how much time and money she has to spend on party planning for you than your relationship. I just can't imagine making my best friend feel horrible just because she isn't able to afford extra parties and stuff. I'd never let something that inconsequential damage our friendship.

It's great that your matron of honor is doing all of these things for you, but she should be doing them because she chooses to, not because she feels like she has to or because she expects extra recognition. If you really feel that you need to give her recognition, maybe give her an extra special gift in private to thank her for everything she's done for you.

If you are feeling frustrated by her ideas/opinions I would definitely have a talk with her (if you can) about your feelings and hopefully she can understand where you are coming from! Planning a wedding is definitely stressful enough and it is hard when you are counting on people to be there for you only to have them add to your stress..

As far as your initial question, I would keep her as the MOH. If she is your longest and best friend she will be happy to have the title and be there for you on your big day. But definitely talk with her about her expectations too

Your MOH is your closest friend and does not have responsibilities or duties. If they can and want to throw some parties together, great, but is not a requirement. They are there to show up on the big day, wear the dress you pick, and support you on your big day. It sounds like you are ditching a friend of 16 years because she lives far away and is struggling in her life at the moment. That doesn't seem fair to her.

It just seems that she is really financially strapped and quite ashamed of it, so she won't accept your help. My guess is that she also knows the Matron of Honor is really going all in for you and she may feel bad she cannot do the same. I think the best thing you can do is put your offers out there to help make it financially possible for her to participate while sharing how important it is to you to have her there, but then leave the ball in her court. Maybe she does need to just stay with family for the NYC trip while the rest of you stay in the hotel. She's making a decision about what would be best for her (and her pride) and it is probably best to just respect it. I wouldn't wildly change plans from what the majority of the group wants/is able to do, but include her where you can and let her make the choice on what she can and cannot pull off financially.