Maid of Honor not helping with planning

View Quoted Comment I'm so sorry about your "best friend" my BFF of 15 years is excited for me when I finally got engaged. And has no problems discussing wedding things with me, although I try not to too much. She knows she's going to be my MOH I just haven't officially asked her yet. Lol

My advice would be to step back for a moment and think about this without the context of the wedding, just think about how she is as a friend. Does this happen often/all the time in your relationship? Do you go to her with things you're excited about just to get the cold shoulder? Because a best friend is one that should share in your happiness and be there for you.

Interestingly I posted very recently about my best friend of over 15 years who I asked to be my bridesmaid. It was always a one-sided relationship but I never allowed myself to see it. She would always want to talk about things she was interested in but it was never the other way around. She purposefully made planning the wedding very difficult (threatened not to go unless things were done her way). On the wedding day she made a bunch of nasty comments to me. And after the wedding she stopped talking to me altogether. A couple of people who knew both of us well guessed that she was never truly happy for me, especially since I got married before her. If I had known this would happen I would've never made her a bridesmaid.

It's only natural to feel hurt if you feel like you've been there for someone before and they are not there for you when you need them. There's a reason people often say "I'm so happy for you" leading up to, or on someone's wedding day. It's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and if a friend cares for you, they should feel happy for you. So I would just ask yourself if your friend has in the past felt happy for you when you're happy, or sad for you when you're sad. You really need to look a bit further than just this experience with the wedding to determine what to do. Because it's also possible that she is just experiencing some hardship right now and can't be there for you. That's ok, as long as she hasn't consistently being unavailable for you.

View Quoted Comment I love this! It’s so normalized to expect nothing from your friends and bridal party now. While it’s no ones wedding other than you and your fiancé’s, it’s nice to have people excited for you and support you, or just be a listening ear when you need it. I love going to brunch with my girlfriends and sharing wedding plans with each other.


I hate the idea that brides shouldn’t have any expectations. I guess it’s a difference in friend groups, but I’m thankful for supportive friends who let me talk their ears off sometimes.

Being a bridesmaid used to mean simply having the honor to stand beside your friend in their wedding. A visual declaration that you are there for the couple and love them and support them.

You are asking someone to spend a lot of money on superfluous things - a dress they will never wear again, shoes, accessories, hair and makeup - and asking them to take time off work for the wedding, at a minimum, but also most likely the rehearsal, bachelorette party, and bridal shower. And you don't think that's enough to ask?

When my best friend of ten years got married, I didn't care about what my bouquet would look like. At all. And if she had asked, I'd have had no input. My job was to buy the dress, get the makeup and hair done, and show up. I offered my assistance when and if I could, but I had a life. Your MOH does, too.

Also, she is not obligated to be excited about your wedding. She should be happy for you. She should be supportive. She should be excited for your marriage. But she does not have to be excited about your wedding.

Some people just don't find weddings exciting. You can be hurt about that, but that isn't her fault. Weddings are actually not very exciting when you aren't the center of them (and sometimes they aren't even then.)

I'm honestly a little aghast at how many women think their friends should turn into a bunch of giddy gooses gabbing away about weddings just because they're getting married.

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I think expecting your friends to spend a bunch of money on things that they would not have otherwise bought and take a bunch of time off work for something completely centered around yourself and your SO is plenty.

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I don't even expect that! That is where everyone's expectations are different, I guess! My friends aren't asked to take a "bunch of time off of work" or even "spend a bunch of money". However, if I'm close enough to a group of people to consider them my best friends and the people I want standing with me on my wedding day, I absolutely expect support and friendship. Luckily for me, I don't even have to say this to my friends. It's just a given.

The comment I was replying to was me agreeing that my friends willingly let me discuss my wedding, my frustrations and just let me be excited about it without feeling like I'm a burden or expecting too much.

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I agree, my friends happiness is my happiness and I would want them to be elated for me on my big day and vice versa.

I understand what you're feeling. I've stopped talking to everyone, including my wedding party, about the wedding because no one gave me any input when asked, and I could tell I was getting on their nerves by mentioning it. I know they all still love me, and are truly happy for me, and that's what I think about when I get down about it.

I don't think it's weird that you are asking your MOH for her opinion on wedding related things. Isn't it normal to talk to friends about things going on in your life, and planning a wedding is kind of a big deal. There is a difference between saying "I'm trying to decide between tulips and roses, what do you think?" if your friend likes flowers or texting photos of decor or attire options and asking a quick opinion (all of which I feel are completely within reason) and saying "Can you research some caterers for me?" and asking them to do the work of finding vendors, getting quotes, etc. Asking a MOH to buy a dress within a pre-established and agreed upon budget is not unreasonable.

I do think brides should have honest conversations with bridesmaids (including MOH) about what they expect for the wedding and people should accept/decline based on a common understanding of what is involved and the time they have to give. You need to have an conversation with your MOH about how involved you want her to be, and she needs to reevaluate whether or not she wants to keep that role based on your expectations. I think its generally understood that the MOH buys the dress, offers some opinions here and there on a few things (based on their interests and the relationship you have), and helps plan a shower and/or bachelorette if those things are to happen (neither of which are a given). The MOH shouldn't be expected to "do the work" of planning a wedding, and if you feel like you want help with that, you should make those expectations clear. I don't think its fair to remove your current MOH from her position if you haven't both clearly outlined what you each expect that role to be, and found common ground and come to a balance that works for you both.

I am sorry you feel she is not excited for you and being uncooperative. My advice would be to tell her outright that it is okay if she is busy and cannot answer all your questions (like which roses, etc.) but deciding on her dress on time is non-negotiable. That is the one universal thing every bridesmaid agrees to do when they say 'yes' to being in the bridal party. Let her know she is hurting your feelings by putting this off and adding unnecessary stress to your life. Remind her that you offered to pay if that is what is stopping her. One way to get it done and over with quickly would be to video call and have her tell you what she does or doesn't like about the original dress choices you picked and then find an option you are both happy with. It doesn't need to be drawn our over days or weeks before you get this resolved!