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Savvy October 2021

Maid of honor trouble

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Mikala, on May 21, 2021 at 7:07 PM

Someone help!!! I’m having MAJOR issues with my maid of honor, she recently had a baby, maybe 2 months ago, and my wedding is in October, I let her know beforehand that our wedding is a child free wedding, I’m not letting anyone bring kids, and this is her third child, so she’s not a new mom. But she asked me to let her bring him cause she breast feeds, I told her I’d have to talk to my significant other because we were both set on no kids, we have so many kids and babies on both sides of the family that we aren’t allowing, and I just don’t think it would be fair if I said yes to her, and no one else, I already have so many people upset that we aren’t allowing kids, but we just don’t want it, I’ve been a childcare worker for 3 years, I just don’t want anything that I know happens with kids happen on my one day, but now she’s saying she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to do it now, and she doesn’t know how it’ll work, and I asked her if she could just pump and freeze and do it that way, her parents are watching the other two, and she said she’s been having issues with extra pumping, but I just can’t let her bring her baby and no one else, it’s just not fair in my eyes. And now I’ll loose my maid of honor..we’ve been friends for 13 years.

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24 Comments

Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on May 28, 2021 at 3:39 PM
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Stick to your no children rule. Assuming she accepted the role as your MOH (to your child-free wedding) while pregnant, she should have been expecting to leave baby at home. Unfair of her to assume that she’d be the exception. I’d text her something something like “I completely understand if you need to step down as my MOH, baby come first ❤️“ and let her decide if she can find a sitter and go without baby for one day or if she’s unable to at least your friendship still stands.
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Dedicated April 2022
Piper · on May 29, 2021 at 11:57 AM
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Totally agree with this.
In my mind, the only acceptable exceptions are the bride's/groom's siblings and, of course, their own kid(s). I personally wouldn't even make an exception for my sister's kids (1 infant and 1 toddler), she and her husband already know it.
I'm.not sure why she accepted to be you MOH since she was pregnant when asked!
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Master May 2020
Kari · on May 30, 2021 at 2:52 PM
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We are having a kids free wedding but allowing our groomsman and his wife to bring their newborn if they choose to. In my eyes any kid under 12 weeks (which is typically the minimum age for most daycares) gets an automatic pass and frankly I feel honored our friends are even dead set on attending our wedding with a 5 week old and being first time parents. They were pretty determined to come regardless and would have had her mom watch the baby if we didn't want him there, but I'm not too worried about a newborn because they mostly just sleep, eat, and poop anyway and as brand new parents I wanted her to be able to do what felt comfortable for her. We did hold firm with our friends with older children, and all found ways to make it work.

I think you can be firm with the no kids rule, but you need to understand that a mom is going to prioritize her children and if she doesn't feel like she can be there without the baby, she may choose to drop out of your wedding. How close is your venue to where she lives? Is anyone staying on site for the night? Does she have family or a sitter watch her children ever? Does she work? By the time the kid is 7 months old, I'm imagining it still won't be glued to her constantly. If the venue isn't far and she's used to leaving her children with a babysitter for a couple hours or more at a time, attending your wedding without her baby shouldn't be an issue, but you may have to expect that she'll be there for the ceremony and not much else. If she needs to travel or your expectation is that she's getting ready with you, doing photos, and giving a speech then being away from her baby for so long may not be an option fo her. If there are accommodations at the venue, maybe a sitter or family member could come to watch the baby (away from your wedding) and she could duck out from time to time to check on her baby and feed it.

I think it's worth a conversation with her about how she can be involved, but you have to be sympathetic and realize that what you want and what she needs may not be compatible. Its fine if she needs to choose between staying with her baby or attending your wedding, but not fine if her friendship with you is on the line because of whatever choice she makes. Also, its worth keeping in mind that her situation could be different in another 4-5 months - she might find that pumping gets easier or her milk supply may decline to the point where she switches to formula for example - and leaving her baby may feel like less of an issue then compared to how it feels right now.
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Jacklyn · on October 11, 2021 at 12:13 PM
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What was the ultimate outcome? super curious.
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