Before I begin explaining the plethora of challenges I've faced while planning my wedding that is on 9/17/22, I feel it's important those reading this thread have some back story. I've been with my FH for over 11 years, so I have had plenty of time to get to know his family, and for him to get to know mine. I have an empath personality, which has been challenging to balance with wedding planning, so I'm hoping someone with an outsider prospective can tell me if I'm reading into things with my SIL or not.
SIL's personality type is to be center of attention, chooses to receive more than give, and barely makes an effort to talk to me unless it is for something she needs my help for (she is the middle child, and my FH was first born). SIL also has history of addiction to drugs and alcohol, which I have always been quite sensitive about with planning our wedding. I also watched her recently at a family wedding where she showed up late, announced her apology for being late to everyone that was seated in the ceremony area, and melodramatically responded to a catering staff member that offered an app that she was allergic to by almost knocking the tray out of their hands...
When my FH and I told her about our engagement, instead of congratulating us, she demanded to be a bridesmaid instead of allowing us the time to celebrate and would not stop messaging for a week straight me asking for an answer. That level of harassment was enough for me to not select her to be in my bridal party, and my FH and I both agreed to not have siblings in our bridal party, but give them all a role in our ceremony instead (she is a reader so it appeases her need to have all eyes on her, which part of me feels she may back out of due to her out loud reading skills not being that strong...) Since I told her she was a reader and not a bridesmaid, while also telling her about smaller things she could be part of (like getting her hair and make up done...), she has been displaying an extreme level of passive aggressive behavior towards me on a weekly basis, but then telling my FH that everything is great between her and I the moment he calls his sister out on how she's treating me. From sending me bridesmaid dresses in the color we've selected to even sending me white dresses and begging me to be ok with her wearing white, I feel a serious level of disrespect and that this is stemming from my own need of setting a boundary early on and establishing expectations of her involvement in our day. This behavior is putting a toll on my excitement and motivation to plan, and I don't know how to go about resolving this with her as I know she cannot tolerate accountability when others point out her faults.
I'm definitely WAY too nice and give people many chances before I actually quit and walk away. Confrontation is definitely not my forte as it causes me a great deal of anxiety when I think of approaching her about he behavior. FH is also concerned that if he confronts his sister, that it will turn into my MIL also becoming involved since SIL still runs to mom to solve MANY of her problems/troubles despite being close to her mid 30s. I am not willing to bend on having her as a bridesmaid just to "shut her up" as some have advised me to do in order to keep peace and my FH family happy.
Any advice others may have is greatly appreciated. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go indulge in a giant glass of wine because this experience has me really stressed out and emotional towards finding a solution that will stick for the next 10 months, LOL!
