Many Non-Gifting Guests

I totally understand that if the bride and groom feed/water/entertain you for an entire day, you should definitely show your appreciation for it in some way-be it a card, or gift of appreciation. For my family personally, I realize it will be financially/physically hard on them just getting to the wedding so my expectations are lowered as far as gifts/cash/insert gift of appreciation here. I don't live close to them so just having them around for the better part of a week will be a gift in itself; I don't get to see them except maybe every two or three years. I know this isn't the "normal" way to go about it, but It's my way.

View Quoted Comment Hi! How did you cope or get over this?

My wedding was June 14, 2019 and there were a lot of guests that did not even give us a wedding card. Even had one brother say they were giving us x amount of dollars then got nothing. Why even say that? I would never go to a wedding empty handed! So, for the people that did give us a gift we are sending out thank you cards that thank them for their attendance and their gift. And the others will just say thank you for being a part of our special day.

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Yes! You are absolutely right! Especially when the bridal shower is usually three months before the wedding.

Is this a first wedding? I think the general rule of thumb is that if you come to someone's wedding... you eat and drink... then you bring a gift. Some bring gifts to the bridal shower and consider that the wedding gift. But, there are some who are either clueless, rude, and/or not financially able. Heck, once I forgot the gift I bought, but I mailed it the following day. I've never gone to a wedding without bringing a gift (either to the shower or the wedding itself). Your feelings are your feelings, so they are justified. At this point, I'd just let it go. Just think... fewer thank you notes to have to send, and the real win is that you married your favorite person.

Reading this thread made me feel a mix of better and worse lol. My wedding is in 6 days and almost nothing has been bought off of our registry. We did have a shower but it was just with my extended family so only covers about a dozen of the guests. It’s crazy to me that so many people have experienced not getting gifts or even cards at their weddings. As so many people have said before, I can not fathom going to a wedding and not having gotten a gift. Usually I get online as soon as we get the wedding invitation to pick a gift because I’m so excited for the couple! (I just did it last week for friends getting married in August!)
It does make me feel better that I’m not the only person who feels salty about it though. It can feel rather petty to be upset about but it is a cultural custom to bring a wedding gift.

Weddings are very expensive and not giving something, even a token gift like $10 Starbucks gift card for a coffee date, a Baby Sitting Coupon for when you have your 1st bundle of joy, or just a nice card, is mind blowing to me. However, I do understand as expensive as it is to finance a wedding, it can be expensive to be at a wedding with travel and lodging costs these days. I do think a congratulatory card is the least a guest can do.

On the other hand, like you, we are paying for 80% of our wedding ourselves and it hurts my feelings to think that people know you are spending a ton of money and sacrificing (in most cases) to make their time enjoyable at your wedding and bring nothing. As I type this comment, I am starting to wonder if I will have regrets later about inviting those who don't bring a gift.

Conclusion: I have mixed feelings on this, but to be perfectly honest, WE WANT GIFTS...WE NEED GIFTS because we can't afford them after paying to feed and entertain guests. So, I think it may be best to invite people to your wedding that you truly want there and won't feel negatively towards, if no gifts are received. This will probably lower your bill by 75% and then you can buy whatever gifts you want and need. Wish I had read and commented on this post PRIOR to planning my wedding.

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Hi Cassie,

My wedding is in 2.5 weeks and like you, no one has purchased anything off our registry and it saddens me a bit.

-Brandi

View Quoted Comment This is only true in some groups. Traditionally in most groups, the shower was personal gifts for the bride ( like old trousseau, expensive not tacky lingerie, shawls, or things for honeymoon travel) and for bride's personal home hobbies, and household smaller gifts, Chosen from a registry , handmade, or purchased independently. A shower gift is always supposed to be a second gift in addition to the wedding gift, thus only people very close to the bride herself are to be invited to a shower. Traditionally, a shower gift costs 1/3 to 1/4 as much as a wedding gift. And wedding gifts, customarily from everyone who is close enough to want to attend your wedding. And people who wish you well, and send a gift, even if invited but cannot come, or not invited but live you . And, properly sent in the three months before the wedding, or okay too, usually in the 6 weeks after you move or return from your honeymoon.
And the registry has always been primarily for wedding gifts, not showers, for over a hundred years. Until the last 15-18 years, registries were only for large or expensive ithems, where you registered for China patterns, glassware patterns, pots and pans, cooking things for the household or entertaining. It is only since most people got personal computers , then smartphones, and stores got sufficient memory cheap, that modern anything and everything registries started. Until then, unless financially very well off, your registry might be 4-5 patterns, and entertaining things, and only from high end department stores , gift shops or jewelry shops that also carried silver items, and crystal.
All other things, people decided to give not from registries, often asking B ir G it families for ideas. A few ethnic groups always gave money as well as gifts at weddings. But until recently, most wedding gifts except from older family were physical gifts, not cash it gift certificates. And giving money between friends was thought to be not caring enough to bother to shop. . . . So the recent shift to far more use if registries, and more cash given, is a very recent trend in most groups. And a lot if people still get 90 percent to all physical gifts for a wedding ( not just shower). If you look at retail industry statistics, 70 to 80 percent of actual gifts purchased from registries ( not gift certificates) are still for weddings, and the remainder 20-30 percent for showers, or some for housewarmings. . . . And it is a myth that few give physical gifts at weddings, but mostly cash. And a myth that you must buy from a registry, and you cannot have a shower without one. That just means, they think of gifts, or ask, on their own, like at birthdays, Christmas or other occasions. No registry is necessary for a shower, and registries still sell far more gifts of far greater value too for weddings than for showers. Which is as expected, since some have no showers, and only a fraction of wedding armttendee women are asked to give a second bride's gift at a shower. What you report, gifts only for showers, and mostly cash not registries for wedding gifts, is only true in limited groups, and more often young people. Industry sales of registry and non-registry gifts for the wedding gift are booming. Not disappearing overall.

I realize this question is very fraught with emotions and turmoil and angst, but...

step back and breathe for a moment...

Is this really going to matter in 10 years?

Are you going to celebrate your 25th Wedding Anniversary by complaining about who did not bring you a gift?

I'm not belittling the situation, nor taking sides, nor debating the moral/ethical/traditional aspects...

I am only asking you to consider a "long-term, bigger picture" perspective...

We just got married two weeks ago. We had 11 people show up with no gift, not even a card. Three people didn't even show up and we paid for them. I'm pretty upset, but luckily the people who did give were generous. I would never show up to a wedding empty handed.

View Quoted Comment Hey! How’d it go?

I had 5 people not gift anything out of 80ish total, i thought it was incredibly rude and tacky, but whatever “the universe always settles the score” so they did themselves a disservice
Try not to be bothered by it, i know it’s hard but it’s worth it to just let it go, trust me

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I’m not the bride, I’m a mom who has had 3 kids get married. I’ve given dozens of showers for girls and been to so manyshowers and weddings that I couldn’t even count them. Yes, you should bring a gift to both. First, remember how much it cost you to eat lunch out or even go out for a soda or coffee and a cupcake? Well that is probably what was spent for you to attend the shower and/or a reception? How often do you go out? Even fixing dinner at home cost you money. Did they supply you with dinner or a night out with a refreshment? The gift typically should match at least what you got out of it unless you spent money to travel or were part of the wedding party and paid for clothing, throwing the shower or other related wedding expenses. How often do you go out to lunch or dinner and expect someone else to foot the bill? Going to a shower and or reception without anything in hand is basically the same thing. It is understandable that not everyone can afford to meet the price put out for them to attend if prime rib and lobster are served, however these days most serve just appetizers with something to drink or a simple chicken type dish or pizza or even just dessert. Yes well wishes and being in attendance means the most, but it wouldn’t kill anyone to put in a little effort if you can’t afford to buy a gift to make something. Homemade coasters, potholders, a sweet photo you’ve taken of them in a frame. If you have a hobby you could utilize that talent or how about putting a note in the card that their gift is dinner at your place and a game night once you both get settled? That’s the kind of thought that counts. It only takes a few minutes on Pinterest to find something anyone can put together. You should only not bring something if the invitation says, “No gifts please.” I’ve been married for 32 years and I still think of the giver, many who are gone, when I use or see the wedding gifts they gave us.

View Quoted Comment Indeed - I agree - just a card. I’m with you

View Quoted Comment I would never show up without a gift. I’d feel so embarrassed - but we are all different.

Thinking about it - it shows either how much respect people have for you or lack of respect people have for you. We were overwhelmed by the generosity of even some who did not attend the wedding - it kind of counterbalanced those who came empty handed. Just a card wishing us well would have been nice. But if they aren’t embarrassed who am I to comment. Lesson learnt.

Dollar tree sells card for $0.50. No gift is one thing, but they need to at least bring a card. The complete lack of effort in completely rude. You wouldn't show up to a birthday with no card or gift, and a wedding is a much more significant occasion. It's rude. And I don't buy that excuse that they didn't know. BS. It's common knowledge. It's on TV and Movies. People know the deal. If you are stapped for cash fine, but you better write the sweetest note of your life then. There needs to at least be an EFFORT on their part.

I'm just over 2 months away and so far about 5 items have been bought from one of the registries. I'm assuming there will be more but I don't have any expectations though it might help that most of our items run under $25 (yay for kitchen stuff). I've planned my wedding with one constant thought: its only ONE day versus a lifetime of marriage. Its this reason I've "broken" so many rules and am not spending an absurd amount on guests, some who I have never ever met and my fiance hasn't seen in 10+ years.

Cash bar? Yep. Buffet dinner? Yep. No photobooth, personalized gifts or giveaways, no welcome bags, etc etc? Yep. I've been reading every reply and people put SO much money, time, and planning into not just the basics but the extras too and then become severely disappointed over not even getting a card. I'd be upset too but in the end I know I'll be glad I didn't go out of my way to go above and beyond for people who may not even say congrats let alone give a card or anything else. Why stick to the rules when no one else does? Its not worth the stress, money, time, and frustration. I have other fun things I'll be doing instead.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree- I just got married last week and I totally agree!