Maritial Non-negotiables

View Quoted Comment Having young children adds different stressors to relationships that sometimes do not pass or get better. I don't want to introduce that with this relationship. Also if we had kids together now, there would be a 13 year age gap with my first born. My children are getting older. Younger kids need more care, attention and there are more care costs. I'm just done with that.

View Quoted Comment It is nice to read that someone else out there does not want to have pornography in their relationship.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing! I'm sorry you had to go through those things.

View Quoted Comment I believe respect and communication are the foundation of a relationship.

View Quoted Comment Sadly some people think that a woman's role is in the house caring for the children and that's all she can do.

View Quoted Comment Oh I see, thank you for sharing.

For me it was sharing the same core beliefs and values, and being able to fully be oneself with the other person. For my fiancé it was honesty and open-mindedness, so that goes well with being fully ourselves with each other. Being able to have hours long conversations, both silly and serious, was another non-negotiable for him (so intelligence and a sense of humor).

Before I met my (atheist) fiancé, I assumed agreeing on religion was equivalent to sharing the same core beliefs and values. But he showed me through his actions that you don't have to believe in God to live your life by the Christian values that matter most to me (I know that won't be true for everyone, Christianity is such a big umbrella). My dad recently told me he couldn't have picked a better match for me and one of the reasons was that my fiancé has a more Christian spirit than a lot of people he knows from church.

Over the last decade that we've been together, I've also seen how much politics are tied to one's core beliefs, especially as things have become so polarized. Fortunately my fiancé and I agree there, too (we agree on how things should be, even if we may disagree a bit on the means to getting there). But if I were dating now, I think I would have a lot of political opinion non-negotiables, mostly to do with equality and basic human rights.

Deal breakers:
Doesn't want kids
Infidelity
Opposite political beliefs
Racism and other forms of ethnic and cultural assholery
Doesn't like animals/pets
Abuse

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It's crazy how everyone has such differing opinions on basic human rights.

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I completely agree with abuse!

Mine would probably be:

Having kids (I want at least 2)

Being best friends (it's weird to me that some married couples often don't really seem to like each other)

Keeping my independence (I am not a clingy type of person and I can't stand someone else who is. I sometimes go a week without sending a text or calling my fh. We live together so I usually just say whatever I need to say when we get home.)

Having a dog (my fh isn't a huge fan of dogs but I came home with 1 four years ago and he tolerates her but I think he secretly loves her haha. He's a cat person....we also have 3 cats)

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This discussion is filled with mixed opinions on children. I would like children as well although they aren't apart of my non-negotiables.

Kids were a deal breaker for me. I don't want kids. I never have and I never will so I wouldn't ever marry someone who wanted kids. My other big one was having the same core beliefs like equal rights and not destroying the environment. Being fiscally responsible was another big one. I'm a saver and I hate spending money on myself so I couldn't marry someone who was more of a spender.

Our non-negotiable is that we don't quit on each other. We met when we were both going through separations/divorces & because we were in such different places in our lives, the thought of having him more than a friend would have never in a million years crossed my mind. And here we are 3 + years later through the good, the bad & the ugly (like demonic ugly) we are planning our wedding together. Its been the most challenging yet the most rewarding relationship and knowing the we can traverse the rough tides together makes us appreciate the smooth sailing even more.

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You share similar views with many women in the comments.

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I love that non-negotiable. It takes two people who are fully committed to have a successful relationship.

That I didn’t want children. I was not going to be forced into it or guilted. We don’t want to adopt (unless anything happened and it was my siblings or our nephews) other than that we want no kids at all. It’s sad how we have family who tries to force us to want to. We had this discussion right after we first started dating. We are the fun Aunt and Uncle. There is also a big chance I can’t have children or it would be bad to my health. I have also seen people who were so in love have kids and then they just drifted since all they paid attention was kids or fought over how to raise them. I was badly abused as a kid so that’s not an option to have a broken home either (my mom was wonderful my father was not ... and she had NO control over how things were over there)... also I want to travel and see the world. Which is much harder with children (sometimes almost impossible). I just see them as baggage/ a burden which is not a good thing if you have one. He sees things the same way. Also I want a career in medicine and I will not give that up.

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I completely understand. Before I decided to become a teacher I was pre-med and struggled with the probability of being a mother in my 30's while pursuing my medical career.

Compatible long-term life goals and core value set. He had to be okay with me being passionate about keeping my career while also wanting to be a mother. He also had to have a very adaptable/liberal worldview - but traditional home values.

I’ve had the same 3 non-negotiables since I was 19 - No smoking, no children, no cheating!