Marriage advice

Remember that you are already a complete individual. Nobody is capable of "completing" you. Develop your own interests and hobbies outside of FH. Yes, you're getting married, but you're still an individual

I’m personally a big believer in therapy!

It would help me to understand where you’re coming from, how do you define relying on your husband?

Sounds like therapy might be a good thing, both personal and couple's, if you can afford it.
Oftentimes people get consumed with anxiety and struggle to make choices, it's not unheard of and manageable if you have a good support system. Remember that you are a whole person, a capable person, and always will be, you just need practice to do it.
Start with a small goal, and only focus on that one goal. Maybe you struggle with deciding what you want for dinner, lunch, ect, and tell yourself you will spend the next three months deciding and your husband can't help you. Tell him you're practicing your self reliance and not to help with this choice unless he thinks it's genuinely bad or dangerous.
And by the end of three months you can tell yourself you did it, you can do it again, you can do this for other tasks. Choose a medium task, do it, repeat for a bigger task. You don't need to do it back to back you can take breaks between practicing.
In general once you do something it gets easier, you have proof you can do it so it's harder to argue with yourself.
If you find yourself really miserable, depressed, or anxious over the little task then stop and get professional help. It's okay to get professional help.
Your husband should be ready and committed to being supportive and paitent as it's not going to change overnight, it can take years to change a personality.

100% agree with the PP regarding therapy. I would also recommend trying new things without your husband, yoga, gym classes, rock climbing, book clubs, anything that catches your interest! I feel like new experiences often lead to opportunity for self development, even if it doesn't seem like it at first! Also, it might be a stretch but I personally feel like I've developed a lot through solo travel. Even if it's just a weekend road trip, it could be beneficial!

Premarital counseling!!

My fiancé and I split a few years ago because I lost my spunk. I began agreeing with him excessively until I didn't have an opinion or life outside of our relationship. I'm not suggesting that you split so please do not think I mean this! But for me, the time apart forced me to make my own life and become my own person. I started getting back into my old hobbies and revisiting friends that I didn't see for a while. I was putting therapy off because I was scared but I went after our split. I grew and gained all of the tools that I needed to have a healthy relationship and be a healthy partner. When we got back together, we designated our own space, alone time, friends, and personal hobbies. We went from being just a couple to two individuals in a relationship. I would tell your FH to check you when you become too dependent. It doesn't have to be an argument but communicating when you start to slip. That way you can start to identify your behavior and correct accordingly.

Sorry that you’re going through this but definitely seek professional help ...

I made it a rule before i considered any serious relationship that I needed to complete myself. Any man that could come into my life could enhance me rather than complete me.
While i realize you're already married, this sounds like something a therapist could really help you sort out. Theres no shame in getting help!

Old lady and life coach here! Before I say anything, please know that you are capable of creating any life you want. The answers are within you, you just have to remove the crud buried on top of them.


A great exercise I could suggest is to write your story. Imagine what your life is when you are living your purpose. How do you feel? How do you interact with your loved ones? What does your career look like? What do you do for fun? What is your passion? How do you start and end your day? How do you feel about yourself? Really go into detail with it. This can really help you envision where you want to be, to develop goals and to find your path toward achieving them.

Try new things! Make new friends! Try things you’d never, ever try. Really try to do things that scare you. You have to walk through the flames to escape the smoke.

I promise that life can be better and that you can make that happen for yourself. I lived what you are going through. With practice, time and age-it becomes a bit easier and more clear. Good luck to you!!

I also came from a background where I felt helpless and dependent on others. It is critical to find your own strength first to add to the marriage. It takes a good amount of de-programming your brain and skill building to get yourself comfortable feeling like a capable human being... as well as being okay with yourself when you do need help (because everyone does).

My mother-in-law said something at my SIL bridal shower. She gave her daughter a chest and said, "you're relationship is an empty chest. Each time you do something for your relationship and each other, you add to it. Each time you take something for yourself, you take something from that chest. The key to the marriage is always to keep more in that chest than you take."

You have your own strength, and you can find that strength in yourself. Maybe some additional professional help can assist you (I suggest both pre-marital and individual counseling). Maybe just creating an internal check list for yourself and working to complete that. I would often do chores without someone around, so that they couldn't see me fail and I could learn without feeling judged. But I also ended with something obvious (like the dishes or dusting with a smelly spray). That way I wouldn't have to say, "look at me! I did stuff." They would just know and feel appreciated for it.

It's about being yourself, and having your own space. For instance: When my husband goes canoeing with the guys for the weekend I'm at home with our pets (no kids). We have a rule that he has to help me clean before he goes so that he isn't out having fun while I deal with the dirty house back home. It works out great, but my point here is, since the house is clean I can now do whatever I want. I can go out to lunch with my mom, go the movies with some friends, spend all day outside with my dog, go to the bookstore and chill, whatever. The world is mine to be had, because he isn't around to have to worry about him. It's his time away from me and visa versa.

You have to find who are you, so that you know who you can be for him.

If you are really reliant on him, maybe taking bits and pieces back from him and doing it yourself will make you feel better. It may be baby steps but it all counts. I'm sure your husband will appreciate the effort you are taking, especially if you ask him to show you how to do something so you don't have to ask him in the future and you can do it yourself.

Take the initiative.

Good luck.