Married 4 months and having problems...long and tmi (NSFW)

It breaks my heart to see you call yourself "close minded" because you don't like certain things. You're NOT! Not everyone likes everything, be it sex related or anything else. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. My ex did that....tried everything he could to guilt me into doing things I was uncomfortable with, even things that made me physically ill. He was abusive in other ways as well which is why he's an ex.

Anyway, it sounds like you're so exhausted! You're working 60+ hours every week! What are his hours like? He really needs to acknowledge that you are worn out just from the jobs and that absolutely is going to affect his sex life.

Okay, well for one I would not put my hard earned money into CABLE PORN WHEN IT'S FREE ONLINE. Where you can literally pick from millions of videos. So to me, that's dumb. And two, talk to him. Relationships work with communication. They need to understand where you're coming from. If a sex schedule turns you off, then it shouldn't be a thing. I couldn't imagine planning sex honestly, like if I'm not in the mood, I'm NOT in the mood. So a schedule is just forcing you to have unwanted sex, which in my head, that's like raping myself? I'm good, no thanks. I'll have sex when I want to have sex, if he doesn't want to then porn it is. Not hard. If he's arguing with you about sex, you need to tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't get it, then he's got TV porn he can watch.

There is a lot to unpack here, but beyond the intimacy issues you two have, it really concerns me that you have concerns over how to talk to your husband. That, IMO, is a much bigger red flag than whether you’re sexually compatible. To me, that says you aren’t 100% comfortable being you with him. I think you need to address the ability to communicate with each other when things are hard before trying to find a solution to your sexual incompatibility.

View Quoted Comment Sadly it sounds like you guys just aren't compatible. He wants someone that is willing to be intimate with him multiple times a week, but because of your history you aren't comfortable with that. You have tried therapy prior to getting married and that didn't help. He may have said he was okay with sex once a week, but his actions should have told you otherwise. This may sound harsh, but I honestly getting married wasn't in either of yours best interest because it seems like one of you is going to have to settle. He will either have to be okay with only being intimate once a week which he doesn't seem like he is or you will have to be intimate with him more than you want which isn't okay either.

When I was with my ex husband all I can describe it as was a switch turned off my head and I could never turn it back on again. I didn't want or enjoy sex with him at all. I dreaded it and no matter what I couldn't get into it. Like you, I faked it to get it done and over with. My ex would schedule sex every Saturday night at 8pm. It got to the point I would dread that time. We had to have sex every Saturday night no matter what, even if I was ill. In the end that switch in my end led to the end of our marriage. He found what he wanted outside of our marriage and we divorced. Fast forward to now, my relationship with my FH is amazing, the sex is amazing, the intimacy is fantastic. My FH was patient with me and was determined to find what I enjoyed. I think for you, it's in your head. The drinking takes away your inhibitions and turns off your brain. Do you ever have fantasies? Think sexy thoughts? Create sex scenarios in your head? Honestly I worry about your marriage. I told myself that sex isn't everything and marriage can be good without it. I was wrong. 💜

Have you considered various/other types of therapies? I have had a pretty significant past and tried talk therapy and medications, but always ended it feeling like I didn't benefit. A few months ago I discovered EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment used for trauma, abuse, phobias, depression, anxiety, grief and so forth. It is based on the principle that chronic negative reactions exist because the brain has not properly analyzed and stored the experience. That means this old “information” – an unhappy past experience – exists in a state that can continue to be triggered by current “information” -- the therapist was able to get to the root of a lot of my past traumas and it has been a huge game changer in how I handle life now. It's not a super common therapy (my insurance didn't pay for it), but it helped me so much and I would have paid whatever to feel better and be better before my FH. Try Googling to see if someone specializes it near you.. you very well could be stuck with past emotions that you need to let go to move forward.

Good lord. I am sorry you two did not figure this out BEFORE you got married...he sounds like he has some serious issues.

View Quoted Comment To me it sounds like they both have issues they need to work through and should have done so before they got married. He obviously really likes sex and is possibly a sex addict, but she also seems to have a fear of intimacy due to her past relationships. She also seems to have issues with communication because she says she is shy and isn't comfortable discussing her intimacy issues with her husband. Intimacy and communication are two major parts of a marriage and unfortunately they have problems with both which doesn't make for a good marriage.

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I can definitely sympathize with the abuse issue. (In my case, it was my father.) I hope you are able to find some resolution.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry, if this was advice from a sex therapist you went to an awful one!! These are NOT good suggestions! A good sex therapist should be trying to work through underlying issues and find small ways to ease you in to being more comfortable small steps at a time , all the whole working on communication— with eachother and within yourself, getting comfortable with the subject matter. I would definitely seek out a better more qualified sex therapist, even if you are the only one going — it seems like something that really should help, if done correctly (getting you more comfortable with the concepts, with your body, and in tune with yourself)

And scheduling sex seems outrageously counterproductive. It’s taking a stressor and making it even more stressful.... not to mention making sex completely unsexy and strictly utilitarian which is exactly the opposite of what you need. It’s also creating a build up of negativity that instead of helping your situation will cause you to dread sex. This isn’t good. I would seriously suggest finding a DECENT sex therapist and going there solo with the express goal of becoming more comfortable with yourself sexually. Then, take that home and work in baby steps with your husband, taking things slow, you don’t need to jump right into full on intercourse.

The porn issue seems kind of separate. To be honest it feels like you’re creating another excuse to not want to have sex with him. It’s okay to not be super comfortable with porn, but porn and sex should not be conflated. They are two different ballgames that may not interrelate. He may be watching more porn to get off as an alternative to having sex but it is not any sort of reflection on you and his desire to have sex with you. It’s okay to not want to have sex all the time and it’s okay to not want your partner to watch porn all the time but it does seem like something’s gotta give (and I’m not saying you should give in to sex or he should watch less porn....maybe the solution is you talking to him about it to better understand what he’s getting from it). It does seem closed minded to not be willing and able to work toward a solution— and being shy is no excuse for having trouble communicating with your partner— you NEED to learn how to do that. If you can’t talk about these things, you can’t work through them, and then you should be willing to push past your comfort zones— there are things I’ve had trouble speaking with my husband about because they’re things I feel weird speaking about, but I’ve pushed through for the sake of our relationship. Sexual compatibility IS extremely important but there are a lot of underlying factors behind sexual compatibility that aren’t explicitly sexual at all— trust and comfort for example. I think you can talk to him about your insecurities regarding the porn, but I would do so 1. Without blaming the porn, and 2. Without trying to take it away. That creates a defensive (and as a result, non-productive) conversation from the get-go. I would try not to treat the porn as the enemy. And simply discuss my feelings . I do think is important with different sex drives to be okay with a little self exploration (and I don’t think there’s any world where “you can only masturbate to thoughts of me!” is realistic [not that that’s your stance]) so it is a little complicated to try to draw the lines as to what is okay and what isn’t. So I supposed id say “I want you to be able to get off on your own but I currently feel like I’m competing with porn and it’s a bit of a turn off. I don’t look like those girls and it stars to make me think that that’s what you want — not me” or whatever the complexities of the insecurities with the porn are— id aim to deconstruct it, from both sides— your concerns about it and his intrigue from it. I’d honestly encourage watching with with him and chatting with him about it. Don’t put yourself in a bad situation that you’re not okay with but do be open to pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone a little. You mentioned not being able to tell
him what you like or dislike— that’s an issue. That’s a comfort zone worth breaching to figure out how to communicate about.

There’s a lot to unpack here and a whole lot to work on. I definitely would encourage you going on your own to a new therapist, both sex- and non- . And if you want it with your husband, you have to build your sexual relationship starting from the ground up — with communication and trust . Without those, you will never have more than fake it til you make it, and I think overtime the sexual hang ups will only get worse. You’ve come back with a lot of answers for everything with some of the suggestions in this post so I think the very first issue to tackle is that : you have to be willing. That’s the very first step. It’s impossible to improve if you’re not willing to change something.

Have you. Insidered that you might be Asexual? I'm a member of the LGBTQIA community and I know a lot of Ace (asexual) people who just don't enjoy having sex except on rare occasions. Maybe look into it and see if it resonates with how you feel. I have a friend who is in a similar situation with incompatible sex drives between them. They ended up having to compromise and be patient and understanding of each other's needs. Their therapist said 1-2 times a week is the average for most married couples. Please understand that it is your body and you decide what you do with it, even if it is your husband. Pressure, is not consent... guilt is not consent. Also I'm confused why you not wanting sex means he gets to demand more because it's what HE wants. That doesn't sound fair to you if you don't want it at all. A compromise is not one person getting what they want. Be sure to ask yourself what you want and speak honestly with him about it. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Ah, the person above me just said this... but...

If you are not interested in sex, you could be ace.

This is a perfectly normal orientation, wherein you can be romantically attracted to someone, but you have no desire for sex.

Since you say you have been checked medically, I think it's time to consider this. Your best bet for information is in the LGBTQ community, as the Ace/Aro orientations tend to group themselves under that umbrella.

That said, your husband has absolutely no right to demand a certain amount of sex, this is not the 1950s. He also sounds like he could be doing a lot more to help YOU feel comfortable, and is not, and that includes ALWAYS watching porn. (Look, porn is fun, but it shouldn't be your only form of entertainment. Also, "being backed up" is absolute nonsense, middle school boys use that to guilt girls, and it's exactly that mature.)

I didn't want to ask (i never do, as I find ti inappropriate) but I saw that you already mentioned it so I just want to say that I also have a history of sexual abuse and thought I had no sex drive until I finally decided to address that with my psychologist. There ended up being a lot of factors; my past and health problems were the main causes. I have PCOS and had my thyroid removed and gained A LOT of weight which caused me to feel extreme fatigued all of the time, as I was obese, and on top of that I worked 12-15 hour days 4 days out of the week and 8 hour shifts the other days of the week. (I literally didn't have days off except maybe once every 2 ish weeks) I also, again, had to really address my trauma. It is has been over a year since I brought all of this up to my psychologist and I have lost 60 pounds so far, have worked through those issues, and my FH and I are intimate 7 days a week lol. I didn't have no sex drive, I was just depressed and traumatized. I am not saying this is your exact situation but I think it is worth looking into. good luck!

Hi, just wanted to say u are brave for sharing this, most ppl wouldn't. I'm like you :-) you are NOT alone. my sex drive is almost non-existent. we have went a month with out sex one time two months. I'M not married yet, but engaged and we have dated for 6 or 7 years now. I like sex sometimes when I'm drunk or smoked a little, I just don't desire it and feel like its over rated, stress makes me not want to have sex, I'm always tired and I often fear that he will get it some where else, but we talked and he loves me and understand my problem be very transparent with your spouse he should understand, I'm sure my guy gets annoyed but I never see it. it seems like the only time I'm in the mood is after my period or when I'm about to come on literally I've googled endless times trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I even searched for women's Viagra and was unsuccessful lol. It helps to know that you are not alone I hope you figure something out. I know how it feels when u are just overall drained and your partner wants sex(mines have a very high sex drive also), and even though u want to give it to them you just don't want to be bothered and u are turned off. I recommend that u go outside the box, meaning while u are alone u watch some porn(doesn't mean masturbate) but watch it and see what type of porn u like or if it catches your interest. once u find something that catches your attention figure yourself out for you!!!( get a toy, I only orgasm when my clitoris is simulated, so we got a toy, u will be surprised ,u can also use it during sex to help get u in the mood!) from what I read, it seems like u always had sex for everyone else and not for yourself(same with me I was just having sex to shut them up). explore your body, figure out what u like and what u don't, if this works (which I hope it does)..... do this before your partner gets home, meaning tease yourself ,but don't reach climax just yet, wait for him to finish the job, this works for me I hope this helps. I really understand

Um, even with one super stressful job, let alone TWO I doubt I’d be excited about sex 1 time a week! You’re exhausted. And it’s not sexy when the guy is bugging you for it, or complaining in any way.

1) Can he work two jobs instead of you? Sounds like he’s got a ton of energy. 2) With you working 2 jobs, is he pulling his weight around the house? Unless he’s working two jobs too I’d be harboring resentment (and more exhaustion) from having to carry more of house stuff. He should be doing 80-100% if you have two jobs.

I’ve occasionally felt the same when our home chores become unbalanced. Exhausted, resentful and not interested in romance at all. I’ve learned to ask for more help & set chore schedules.