We have been married about 2 months, been together for 9 years. We have struggled with intimacy issues during the whole relationship. I guess I am really the one with intimacy issues. I don’t really like or have an interest in sex and when I do I am usually drinking. I have struggled with intimacy issues in my past relationships as well. My first boyfriend I think contributes a lot to my issues. That was a mentally abusive relationship. He expected sex every time we were together. We did not live together but we saw each other every night. If I didn’t have sex with him he would send me home so I gave him what he wanted. Even when I had my period. I was in that relationship for 4 years and the guy cheated on me after 1 year. I went back for 3 more years. I felt I couldn’t do any better so I stayed and did what I was told.
After that relationship ended, I was not interested in sex at all. I did start dating right away but I was in more control on when to have sex. I was able to say no. In the next 7 or so years after my first abusive relationship ended I met my future husband.
In the beginning, our sex drive was good. I was approaching him a lot for sex for the first 2 months we were together. I have problems with stress and that causes me to shut down. Well I started having some major stressful events happen….new job….job was horrible….was trying to get out of horrible job. So that was when he experienced the low to no sex drive from me for the first time. It was like a switch that happened. Of course, he was not happy and we had many fights about it. He has a VERY high sex drive. We got over that hurtle for the moment when I got a new job but it seemed to continue to happen when something in my life was too stressful. I know for some people sex is a stress relief…..IT IS NOT FOR ME!
I have gone to therapists multiple times to deal with my stress management and intimacy issues. We have also gone to couples counseling. It would get better for a little while then would be bad again. It is like a rollercoaster. I have made so many promises to my husband about sex. We tried scheduling it…that would work for a little while but then I would focus on that the entire day trying to get myself ready and in the mood but it would cause anxiety. We tried me having a glass of wine before but could never be just one glass and then I would get drunk to the point of being sick and hung over the next day (the sex when I am drunk tho my husband loves but I don’t remember it well). We then decided on 3 times a week for sex…..his number not mine. I am so not into sex that if I have it once a month I am good but I know that is not fair to him. So 3 times a week it was. And we said that I would approach him twice for sex and he would approach me the 3rd. This was to somehow help with issues but it only caused A LOT more anxiety bc as I have said I don’t want sex that much and it is hard to start the process of something I don’t want. Well we did ok for a little while and just like before it was a roller coaster. It actually got worse than any other times bc he was tallying up all missed times during the week and adding them to the next week and would mark it on the calendar. At one point I was up to 60 or so missed times that he said I owed him on top of the regular 3 times a week. This was about 3 years ago before we got engaged. I was just about ready to leave him bc I thought we were never going to move to marriage but he proposed in 2018.
After the proposal again we had a high moment in our intimacy but as always stress set in and it decreased drastically. We had many fights that year. I told him as much as he wants me to be at the sexual level he is at I will never get there. This is something that is not going to change after we get married. We have gone 8 years with the issue and the rollercoaster. You can’t change someone. I am trying to be better but I told him he has to understand that is most likely never going to be at the level he would like and I asked him if he could accept that. I flat out said if he couldn’t then we shouldn’t be married. I was the one having the tough talks and making sure we were ready for marriage. I didn’t even want to start planning until we understood each other and that there is not going to be much change after marriage. What you see is what you get. There are things about him I wish would change but I accept that he most likely won’t and I am not going to try to change him.
Well the planning of the wedding was very stressful and not fun at all. I lost about 30 lbs from all the stress in a matter of 6 months. My desire for sex was nonexistent. We still had fights about this but for the most part he didn’t push during the wedding planning.
Now the wedding planning is over and the wedding is done but our sex life is still a roller coaster. I find myself even less interested in sex. I know sex is part of being in a relationship and has to take place. I average about 1 time a week currently and that is fine with me. My husband was doing ok at first but we had a huge blow up fight last night where he brought up all the promises I made and said he should be able to break the promises he made to me. I honestly don’t know what promises he is talking about besides to not cheat.
I don’t know what to do. I thought about going back to therapy but it didn’t really work before or would only work for a little while. I know he is not interested in going to couples therapy again. I even tried taking a new medication which is basically the female Viagra. I took it for about 3 months and did not see a difference. I also had some major side effects from it.
When I say my husband has a high sex drive I mean very high. He would have sex 3 times a day or more if he could. He subscribed to the playboy channel a while ago and he puts it on every single day when I am not home or I go up to bed. I know bc he either turns off the tv with that channel on or when you push the back button on the remote it goes to that channel. He has had it on to go to sleep at night too. Not when I am in the room thankfully but every chance he gets he puts it on. I can understand why he watches porn so much now bc he is not getting much from me but he has always watched a lot of porn. Even when we had a good sex life he still would watch it when I was not around. I don’t think it is an addiction bc it does not interrupt his life. He is very active and works out in the yard and garage a lot. It’s just mainly when I am not home, go to bed before him, etc. Also just recently he didn’t like the playboy channel and wanted another channel. He actually researched for a better channel and changed it. It is $35 a month for this channel. I do not pay for it. That’s his responsibility. I don’t watch that channel.
I guess I could say I am a bit turned off with the watching on porn. Even if I was in the mood to have sex and would go to bed to get ready he would take a while coming to bed so I would go down to see what was taking so long and I can tell he was just watching porn bc he has that nervous deer caught in headlights look, changes the channel quickly and repositions himself due to the erection. Now in his defense he does not know when sex is going to happen. It is unpredictable so I understand why when I leave the room he watches porn to get a release. I just lose all interest in having sex with him after I know he has just watched porn. It feels like he has to watch porn to get in the mood for me….I know that is not the case but that is what my mind tells me. There is also no romance in it. He asks when we are going to have sex again or he calls it playtime. Sometimes he will tell me his balls really hurt so something needs to happen. I get very mad at that comment. That is an easy fix if you are in pain. If I knew how to relieve some of my pains I would do ASAP.
So sorry this is a long post. I’m just looking for some advice and see if any other women feel the way I do. I keep telling my husband that I am not the only woman who has these issues and that sex is NOT a stress relief. He keeps telling me that is not true.