Married and Intimacy issues......loong

You are in an abusive relationship. The tallying up? Making it up? This man does not love you. Forcing you to have sex when you don't want it is rape. Getting drunk to do it rape.
You are being raped and abused. You should consider seeing about a divorce. A man who loves you will not hold it against you.
And he does have an addiction, if he masturbated less his sex drive would adjust and you both would reach equilibrium. This masterbation addiction is ruining your relationship and he can't control himself over it, it's classic addiction behavior. He's blaming you because he has a problem he doesn't want to fix. Your husband is a disgusting person who needs serious help beyond the bedroom.
It's been nearly a decade and it hasn't changed, it will never change because he's not going to take responsibility for his own failures. Addicts do this. They abuse and manipulate everyone around them to avoid changing themselves.
And last but not least trying to force yourself into the mood will eventually damage your genitals and risk incontinence, you're risking a lot of health risks both physically and mentally for this man and you shouldn't have to. This is an unsafe environment and you should leave.

Your relationship is a little more "over the top" (for lack of better words) then mine is. I agree with PP about your relationship, this is not ok. I have a very low sex drive also. We were good in the beginning of our relationship, when we were teens, but now I don't ever think about it and am good with just doing it one or twice a month. FH would rather it be a few times a week. Although he gets there "something wrong with me" (again for lack of words) and wants me to continue my appointments with my Dr. to figure out a solution. We do argue about it and he gets upset and so do I but we both know that this is something that cannot be forced and will, hopefully, get better over time. He still loves me and wants to marry me, he accepts what I am going through, even though its hard on him but we are in it together and he still wants to marry me.

Ok, this seems like HE is the one with a problem, not you. This is a classic example of gaslighting... he is doing something wrong, and making you feel like YOURE the one with the problem!

Some people have a low sex drive. Some people have no sex drive at all. Those things are normal. You shouldn’t be pressured into feeling differently than you do. That being said, I am not sure your issue is a biological “low sex drive”..... it just seems like there is SO much stress around sex for you, in your past relationships AND IN YOUR CURRENT ONE. I wouldn’t want sex either if there was this much obligation and guilt placed on me about it!

The biggest red flag I saw here was him keeping track of how much sex you “owe” him when you didn’t stick to his arbitrary number of 3 times per week?? 3 times per week is insane. I don’t know ANYONE who has sex that often... especially someone who admittedly has a low desire for it. That is not a “compromise,” and it’s completely appalling that he would keep track of what you “owe” him when you didn’t live up to that unrealistic expectation.

I know you think you’re the one with the problem. Seems like he’s done a great job of convincing you of that. But to me it seems more like he is the one with the problems: sex addiction, manipulation, pressuring you into doing what he wants, guilting you for not giving it to him, and then gaslighting you into thinking YOURE the one who has the problem.

I know you said you tried therapy, but has he??

I agree with PPs. This isn’t okay. Your husband is physically and mentally abusive and I think your best bet is to find your way out of this marriage.

I agree with PPs. The first few sentences I read about your husband made me think this is another abusive relationship for you. Tallying them up and then holding your missed encounters against you? That is so sad. Making you initiate more than him. Again, so sad. I feel very heartbroken for you. Sex is apart of most relationships but it shouldn't be used against you. It sounds like you have tried a lot to make this relationship work. He has issues. Very serious issues. I hope you move on. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

My heart hurts for you. I agree with all the PP's. I have been in abusive relationships and yours has all the red flags. He is definitely gaslighting you and in my personal opinion Pornography destroys marriages. It is NOT OKAY. Again that was my own personal opinion and belief, but He has an addiction and he is not treating you in a loving manner. I am so so sorry but I would find your way to a safe place.

I agree with PPs as well. We both have a high sex drive, so about 4+ times a week is average for us, but sometimes we do go a week or so without for various reasons including stress. However, if one of us says no, the other never makes them feel guilty about it. In fact one of the promises we made to each other (not about sex, but in general) is to never keep score. It’s unhealthy to focus on things your partner “owes” you, and as far as the ‘you’ve broken a promise I should get to break mine’- that’s utter bs. It’s going to be difficult, but for your physical and mental health I believe you need to leave him. Your issues with intimacy will never get better when it is held over you, sex should never be a bargaining chip, you should never have to give anyone sex in order to feel like they love you and care about you, sex should not cause stress and should never be coerced. I do think you should continue therapy for yourself and to help you make sure you have overcome the trauma you have been through. It’s not about “improving” your sex drive or even getting over intimacy issues so you will be more willing to have sex, it’s about forgiving yourself so you can move forward and not bring the past along with you. I know it’s hard to walk away after several years, but you truly deserve to be happy. You know his behavior won’t change, will you ever be truly happy in this marriage? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Hun, your husband has serious issues. It's true men masturbate regardless of relationship status but he is watching pornography daily. This is not the norm.
You shouldn't have to have sex just because the other person wants it. Forcing you to agree to it is wrong. At that point it's not consensual.
His insisting on sex is only making matters worse.
I, myself, have low sex drive. My SO and I have had several discussions about it in the past. Sex is one part of a healthy relationship but as a whole it isn't a focal point for us. We do have it, just not a lot. We bond in so many other ways and have non-physical intimacy, if that makes sense.
I suggest you talk to a therapist. Be honest about your home life. Your husband doesn't seem to care very much about your well-being. He treats you poorly, is not abusively, when it comes down to it.

*if not abusively

I am really sorry you have to go through this. My post is super long and contains a lot of personal information about sex so you are all warned.

Sexual compatibility is a huge part of anyone's relationship and it seems like you both are just not compatible. Yes some things sound abusive, but when people get frustrated they sometimes do things out of the ordinary and I have a hard time jumping to say someone is abusive especially only hearing a little bit over the internet. I'm not saying his behavior is an excuse to act anyway, but I can see the frustration on both ends. It seems like you both are making sacrifices and honestly it is not fair to either person.

I don't want to say get a divorce, but if you had posted this issue/question before you were married I would 100% say leave the relationship. I feel like giving advice like get a divorce is tough for me because I am a complete stranger. What I will say is I think this is a very good reason to end the relationship. I was married before. We were not sexually compatible and it is one of the top reasons I ended the relationship. I am so much better off having ended the relationship. I think you would be able to find a partner you are sexually compatible with and you would be happy.

I will try and give some other advice and suggestions and I hope I do not hurt your feelings/make you feel bad I am more just trying to think of ways you can view sex differently and possibly give you other options-

Have you had your hormones and thyroid checked? If you feel like you have a low sex drive you may have some imbalance that needs to be checked out. This is for your health not just for sex and for you husband, but for you.

I really like sex. Mostly I like sex because it makes me feel powerful and strong and in control. I understand from your post this is not the case for you, but maybe you can start viewing it as a way to gain power.

I really like watching porn. There I said it out loud. I like pornhub and I like to watch homemade porn not the fake stuff. Watching porn has helped me feel confident and comfortable. It has helped me learn what I like, what I might like, and what I for sure do not like. I like to watch porn with FH. I like to pick out stuff to watch and I like for him to pick out stuff to watch. It helps the both of us know what we like. Honestly it seems like maybe your husband needs to take a break from porn. Maybe you can try and watch some stuff on your own and if you like it you can set up a game that he can only watch it with you. I don't want to push having you watch porn, but I think it could help. There is soooo much out there you have to really give it a shot, but it can be fun. Personally I like to watch homemade masturbation porn both male and female. (I'm really sorry if it is too much information, but i am really open about sex and think more people should be)

I like to masturbate alone and together. Sometimes I just want to get myself off. Nothing against FH, I just know what I like and how I want it and I want to do it myself. Sometimes when we masturbate together we are not allowed to touch each other, we just lay next to each other and masturbate. I like to watch him because I feel like I know a little better what he likes and I like him to watch me for the same reason. Sometimes we start only touching ourselves and end up touching each other . Sometimes he is only allowed to touch me above the waste, sometimes I am only allowed to kiss him. Sometimes it leads to sex and sometimes we just cum and its over. This might be a way to slowly start building intimacy. I always tell him if I don't like something. I don't say "I don't like that" in the middle of it, but I will re-direct him to something I do like and afterwards I will let him know, sometimes I have to remind him that I don't like something.

You said getting in the mood is sometimes an issue for the both of you. Figure out what gets you in the mood and talk to him about it! Do you want a backrub, do you want to dance together, do you want to wear something sexy, maybe you want him to say certain things or in a certain way. Sometimes when FH does the dishes I just feel so happy I want to jump all over him. I am not one for scheduling sex. To me this is a mood killer. You feel like you are under the gun and have pressure to preform. Saying my balls hurt would be a mood killer. Tell him that, but not in a judgmental way. When you discuss these things make sure you try and use "I statement" not "you statement". "I feel turned off and hurt when you say your balls hurt. Maybe you can try doing XYZ instead?" If you think you might like something, give it a shot. It doesn't hurt to try, but make sure you are both respectful of what you like and don't like.

Try and go to bed together. I know this is hard. This was very difficult for us, but it helped sooo much. Sometimes he will come to bed and lay and cuddle with me then get up and continue doing what he needs to do. It just feels good to me that we go to bed at the same time and it helps make sex happen a little more fluidly.

Sex does not need to happen solely at bedtime. I have found that some weeks right after work actually works a little better for us.

Rachel Hollis wrote a book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. In it she talks about intimacy with her husband. It was an issue for them so they picked a month and they had sex EVERYDAY! Yes EVERY-single-DAY for an entire month. She said it was hard, but it was so rewarding to the both of them and made them both appreciate each other and understand each other. Read or listen to the book. It will change your life in more way then sex.

Maybe you just are not into sex and that is OK, but it is not fair to you or him to stay in a relationship where you both feel like crap because you can't make the other person happy. It might be taboo, but have you considered an "open relationship"? If you love everything else about him, but just aren't into sex, maybe he can get that from someone else. Do some research and seek some advice before you suggest it. Make sure you are 100% ok with the idea before you bring it up. Set ground rules that work with the both of you. I personally would not be ok with this, but every relationship is different and it is OK if you both decide that is something you want to try.

Last thing- Go back to therapy. You might have to see 100 different therapist until you find the one that you like, but once you find that person you will gain somethings from it. I am in therapy. I have been in therapy for a while. I have seen a few different therapist. Some I knew right away where not good for me some I saw for months before I figured out we weren't meshing. Take care of yourself, you deserve it!

I'm so sorry, CountryBride. I know you said before that your counseling didn't really help, but have you tried finding a different counselor? Sometimes it takes time and a few tries to find the right therapist for you and your situation. I hope you might consider trying someone new because you deserve a lot of love and support and comfort. And think hard about what in your situation YOU think are the problems, and not just what you're being told what the problems are.

I'll be thinking of you.

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This comment was so very helpful, thank you for being so open! I don't struggle with this to the extent the OP does but I do find my sex drive lacking at points. Your comment just kind of opened my eyes in a way I cant really explain but gave me a little more confidence to maybe try something new lol But thank you!

View Quoted Comment Your welcome, I am glad it helped even just a little. I know sex is such a hush hush topic, but I truly feel it shouldn't be. Nobody should struggle in silence. We all have things to learn and teach others. Good luck and just try and stay positive and open. :-)