Married before graduating college?

There’s so many red flags in this post it’s not even funny.

Instead of worrying about getting married, you two need to go to counseling.

Do I still pretend I don't live there and that I leave every night to go back to my apartment?

You are a grown woman. You think that that’s healthy?

The other option is to get married at the courthouse and have a wedding after I graduate, but then we have the whole issue of the fact that it would be rude to still call it a traditional wedding and I wouldn't have a bridal shower. We wouldn't be able to have bachelorette and bachelor parties. I wouldn't get to experience the traditions the way I imagined them to be. I guess because our relationship wasn't traditional, we don't get to have that?

If you got married, then you don’t have a wedding after. You’re married. That’s it. You’d be having a celebration or a vow renewal or whatever you wish to call it - but you’re already married.

Another random issue I have is my FH is very big on not spending a great deal on a wedding anytime soon and he'd rather not have it sooner than it needs to be. He would feel better if he had time to develop some proper finances before having a wedding. So we compromised and decided to have a wedding next December. Throwing together a wedding before then is probably out of the question.

Communication is key in any & every relationship. You need to sit down and have an open and honest dialogue. If he’s expressing that he wants to wait and you don’t, that’s a whole other issue that needs to be tackled.

Last but not least, the biggest reason I must be careful to not upset his parents, they have agreed to give us 3,000 for the wedding. Maybe I could turn them around?

Accepting their money is accepting their terms.

I wasn't sure where this post should go, so I put it under community conversations to be safe. My next best bet was the advice tab. I'm a newbie! Hello all! I'm trying to remain very anon because I have lots of college colleagues that swarm this site.

Dont worry about where to post it; if it’s in the wrong place, the community leaders will move it. Don’t make duplicate posts because it will be deleted.

We're getting counseling this semester, thanks for the suggestion but I already made those plans

View Quoted Comment Why would he tell his mom that you’re having sex?

Okay, so like you said there’s a few questions there. First, no I don’t think you should be pretending you don’t live with your fiancé. Are you paying rent at another apartment? That could all be going to the wedding. If not, I’m not sure where you pretend you’re going at night. I would tell whoever you feel necessary that you live together. I think this will relieve some of the pressure to feel like you need to be married right away. I don’t think it’s wrong of your FH to want to wait and save up for the wedding, especially if you both are in college right now and probably don’t have a ton of savings to put towards the wedding. I would plan a wedding you can afford without the contribution of your family because then their thoughts, opinions and views won’t have a financial impact on the wedding (you sound kinda worried about ruffling feathers). It sounds like being honest about the living situation will relieve some of the pressure of needing to be married right away so I would start there. If you still want to get married sooner than later could you have an initiate ceremony with your original timeline? Just immediate family and best friends, that way you could have the per-wedding parties but probably on a smaller scale with only a few close friends. Going out locally with a friend or 2 shouldn’t require months of planning. Best of luck!

"Do I still pretend I don't live there and that I leave every night to go back to my apartment?

You are a grown woman. You think that that’s healthy?"

I know it's not. I'm not naive. It's something I'm trying to move away from. That's why I came here for advice. That's why I'm currently in counseling. I was mainly looking for advice on how/when to bring about discussing with his mother the exact dynamic of what is occurring and where we stand on that.

My friends know I live there and I'm open about it, but it's just an uncomfortable situation running into my Christian friends when I have discussed with them how I wanted to get married sooner to avoid living in sin much longer. Yes this is an issue that I'm working out with my counselor and honestly with God too. That's for a different forum though.

"If you got married, then you don’t have a wedding after. You’re married. That’s it. You’d be having a celebration or a vow renewal or whatever you wish to call it - but you’re already married. "

Okay maybe I should have worded that question differently because this is not new information.

My apologies for inappropriately calling it a "wedding after". This was just really another part of the whole scheme of the post. My decision to have a real wedding before I graduate rather than simply eloping is swayed by the fact that I would have to have a vow renewal without all of the things my FH and I dreamed of and planned for. The biggest question is, should I try to have a conversation with his parents about my real reasons for wanting to get married prior to graduating or let it go? The lack of communication is between them and myself I believe. By the way, I was aware my FH told his mother about our relations. We discussed the decision before hand, I just wasn't present for the conversation because I was not comfortable disclosing that information to her at the time. I only met them a few months before we were engaged. They were strict about him not dating anyone until he graduated college, so it was something we hid from them for a long time. Eventually we decided to tell them because, once again, it wasn't healthy. So, discuss reasons for wanting other than their wishes or let it go?

"Communication is key in any & every relationship. You need to sit down and have an open and honest dialogue. If he’s expressing that he wants to wait and you don’t, that’s a whole other issue that needs to be tackled."

We talk about it regularly, in fact, we talked about it a few hours ago. I understand he wants to wait until at least next December and I agreed to that. I can understand wanting to be financially stable before spending a great deal on a wedding. We have also discussed possibly eloping before then though. Which is what has led me to the issue of not being able to have a traditional wedding as a result of that. I was looking for suggestions and advice on what we could do and more-so what others have done to combat this issue.

"Okay, so like you said there’s a few questions there. First, no I don’t think you should be pretending you don’t live with your fiancé. Are you paying rent at another apartment? That could all be going to the wedding. If not, I’m not sure where you pretend you’re going at night. "

I am a resident assistant. I suppose that was an important detail. I don't pay rent. When he is on the phone with his mother I say things like "Okay, I'm going home to my apartment now. Goodnight" I'm not proud of it. That's why I want to know how to approach talking with her about it so that it can stop. Right now I'm not sure if she knows or she forgot or she doesn't know because I'm getting a lot of different mixed signals. If you have any suggestions of how to bring it up let me know! We're decently close so it may not be too taboo of a subject to have. I just may need to have the conversation when her husband isn't there because he may interlude and be the logical business major that he is "no school first" . Perhaps she could get him to understand where my FH and I are coming from.
"I would tell whoever you feel necessary that you live together. I think this will relieve some of the pressure to feel like you need to be married right away. I don’t think it’s wrong of your FH to want to wait and save up for the wedding, especially if you both are in college right now and probably don’t have a ton of savings to put towards the wedding. I would plan a wedding you can afford without the contribution of your family because then their thoughts, opinions and views won’t have a financial impact on the wedding (you sound kinda worried about ruffling feathers). " Thanks! That's very true. I just want to continue to have a decent relationship with them you know?I'd hate for the fact that I wanted to get married sooner than they wanted to cut all ties from them. I at least don't think that would happen.
"It sounds like being honest about the living situation will relieve some of the pressure of needing to be married right away so I would start there. If you still want to get married sooner than later could you have an initiate ceremony with your original timeline? Just immediate family and best friends, that way you could have the per-wedding parties but probably on a smaller scale with only a few close friends. Going out locally with a friend or 2 shouldn’t require months of planning. Best of luck!"
This was actually very sound advice! It definitely seems like I need to start with that given the current discussion with you and Kenisha! Thanks to the both of you!

"Why would he tell his mom that you’re having sex?"

We wanted to explain to her why we didn't want to just wait until he has a Doctorate to get married. We wanted to show that there's a reason why it seemed like we were being so fast with things. We felt convicted by what we had done and the only way we knew was to turn away from sin.

"But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

This is NOT the reason we decided to marry. We have been happy for 3 years. It's the reason we decided to marry sooner than later.

You have to do what’s best for you, not anyone else.
Dont worry what anyone thinks of your living situation, not when you should get married, or how long they think you should wait.
This is YOURs and your FH lives, not his parents. It’s is absolutely none of their business if you have been intimate or not. This is not something I would have even brought up with them.
They sound extremely strict and controlling. They are controlling your actions with the promise of money, essentially bribing you.
Plan the wedding you can afford without that extra $3000. Find a venue that’s BYOB, limit your use of flowers, get a dress from a consignment shop, there are so many ways you can save that money and still have the amazing wedding you want on YOUR terms.
And also, your views will be different from others on here. Don’t let them bother you, again their opinions don’t matter either.

Thank you so much Cassidy! Yeah, maybe he shouldn't have disclosed that information with his mom, I just can't help but feel bad for being dishonest. I'm typically an open book, so this is a new experience for not only him but me too. We're learning and I guess this is a step.

I would wait until after you graduate bc there’s so many factors that change after you graduate as far as jobs, geography, emotional growth. I was engaged my senior year, planning an 18 month engagement but I broke it off and so glad I did. If it’s right now it’ll be right in two years. Of course you should do what’s best for you. Best of luck.

Have you gone and spoken to your spiritual advisor? Pastor or anything? I understand your convictions in your religious life. Maybe you should both pray on it. I advise majority of my friends to not make a drastic decision for 90 days. Personally I'm not getting married until after I graduate and have worked because me and my FH are paying. As far as got future in laws go i don't know there. But based on your original post, I suggest you bring God into the equation since your faith is so important to you both. God Bless

Let go of that $3000. Live your life with a clean conscience. Do what you and your FH want when you want it.

In my opinion if your in laws are creating this much stress on your relationship then don’t accept the $3,000 from them. The minute you do they will feel they have control over the decisions made about the wedding. Sounds like your fiancé needs to make a decision between you and his parents. He obviously can’t make both sides 100% happy so who is he going to put above the other? I’m not saying he needs to cut his parents out of his life but he needs to put his foot down and tell them what is going on with you living together and that it’s his and yours decision and not theirs.

Since I'm a mom of grown or nearly grown/still in college kids, I'm going to respond as if you were mine. You aren't anywhere near ready to be married. If you can't own your choices, you simply aren't ready. Grow up, be honest, then start thinking about marriage.

As everyone else has said, there is a lot going on here. It seems like you both have a lot to talk about. I would first start off by saying: God forgives, even if it takes his family some time to. What y'all are doing is none of their business. It is between you, him, and God. If y'all wanna make it right, its never too late. However, I will say that I think it would be better to wait. My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and waited until we were financial stable and I was out of college. Wedding planning is already stressful enough and the last thing you want is financial and family stress putting a damper on your day. I agree that counseling would be great. I also agree with Mim that you need to own up to your choices. You can't hide forever and its really not worth the stress. At the end of the day, if its meant to be, you both will be married one day. There is no need to rush it and it truly is worth the wait. I would definitely recommend that you both sit down with a counselor and really talk through everything. Not around everything, but through everything.

Everyone above has covered most of what I would’ve said but here’s one more thing - you know that your student loans/grants will be affected when you’re married as they’ll count both your incomes.