"Married" but never had a wedding

I think you could have an awesome vow renewal but I would be cautious about trying to redo the normal wedding festivites. My guess is, people will be left scratching their heads. Mainly because you have been married for awhile and that decision wasn't forced but a choice you made. A vow renewal could still come with a proposal, a caterer, a new gown, fun hair and makeup, etc. You could even have a spa day, or some type of pre-wedding fun day but I wouldn't label it a bridal shower or anything wedding related. This would require a conversation to get the ball rolling.


There is a way to do this but do it tactfully!

I suspect you wantcertain things (the proposal, wedding, etc) because you see others having this. A big, expensive ceremony isn't the only definition of a WEDDING. You alreafy had a wedding. A wedding can be at a courthouseand the bride can be in jeans. Simple and sweet amd just as many memories.

Catriona,

I was 19 when I got married to my first husband. We didn't have much of a ceremony, we "dressed up" and went to the courthouse. I was perfectly fine with this, and don't regret it whatsoever.

Fast forward 15 years, and I have been divorced for 10 and am newly engaged. My fiance and I spoke at length when we were just dating (and still do) about not having a wedding, but perhaps having a party instead, etc. I will say, this consideration came up because, frankly, I didn't have anything else to compare to, and that was what I wanted. However, here I am planning a wedding and I DO have to consistently remind myself that we are doing this our way, because at the end of the day, it's about US.

That being said, if you want a wedding, and you want to celebrate the two of you, your babies and your life together, DO IT! As a few other posters have mentioned, there's a difference between being legally married and having a ceremony. I'm not sure I'd get a legal divorce to get legally remarried necessarily (mainly because of the paperwork and expense involved, depending on the laws in your state... throwing children in the mix also complicates that), BUT a vow renewal could ABSOLUTELY be done with the whole shebang! I challenge you to Google that and I think you'll be excited to see that many women have similar stories and had a great time planning a "real" wedding!

Word of caution: one thing you will notice almost immediately, as I'm sure most brides-to-be will tell you, is that you will get heaps and heaps of unsolicited advice... Take those nuggets with a grain of salt, but always remember that this is about YOU, not what everyone else sees as appropriate/practical/etc. (Kind of like I just did by speaking my opinion about legal divorces/remarriage LOL! Grain of salt is key, Mama!!)

It doesn't have to be outlandish and expensive to be a celebration worth having, and I wholeheartedly believe that if you want to have that experience (and all the bells and whistles, if you desire), then you should go forth and enjoy yourself, celebrate each other, and allow your loved ones to celebrate with you!

No matter what you decide, good luck and congratulations!

View Quoted Comment Look, you said it better than me. I was ready to go to war, then I remembered this isn’t my battle 😕

Lots of people get legally married and then have celebrations later. I don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe explain to your parents how important it is to you to have your dad walk you down the aisle. If they still won't support it and participate, there's no reason you can't still do it.

I agree with everyone it may not have happened as you had hoped but you are married. I think making a vow renewal would be a great idea. You can certainly have the wedding ceremony and the reception and take a honeymoon if you guys wish. I think the bachelorette party and bridal shower is too much. If you wanted a girls weekend I think that could work for you.

I am engaged and attempting to begin my planning I'm forgoing both the bridal shower and bachelorette party. We may have a weird holiday/engagement party (thanks Covid-19) but that is it until our wedding which will be a small affair once the world normalizes.

I think a wedding with the ceremony and reception will suit you perfectly and that way you can have your father walk you down the isle, I'm sure he will be so happy for you.

I feel for you so much here. I’m the same way, with Covid bringing our wedding plans to a halt, and people asking me “why don’t you just elope”? And my answer to them is exactly what you stated above. It’s just me (and it’s different for everyone). I have always imagined having a wedding where I get butterflies walking down the isle looking at my FH. I always thought I would have the memories of laughing at the speeches given by our parents. I always thought I’d be able to walk down the aisle with my dad, and remember those moments for the rest of your life. I think you can still go forward with a “wedding” even though you are legally married. Make it whatever you want it to be!! If Those memories are so special to you (like they are to me) make it happen


Unfortunately with Covid there are more boundaries on weddings these days. But I think you are completely valid and deserve a wedding of your dreams - regardless what it looks like. Good luck to you and I wish you the best!!!

View Quoted Comment I know, right? It grates on me seeing these comments - I wish there was just a "up vote/ down vote" option. That way it would get across for all these "etiquette warriors" that their comments aren't exactly the sought after opinions they might think.

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Exactly. I always find it interesting that the comments that are most offensive are from those who have been married for years, had their cake and ate it too. I'm all for doing things the "right way" whatever that looks like. But in all honestly life is too short to be worried about what people think. As long as I am not hurting you or offending you, have several seats in the back.

View Quoted Comment What’s the point of asking for opinions if you only want to hear the ones that support your agenda in the first place? That’s the entire purpose of this forum, to get advice and discuss wedding etiquette.

Ok so this is going to be a bit long - only good things to say I promise

- If your boyfriend assured you that one day you will have a wedding and a proposal and the whole romantic event then he should follow through. If not for the fact that he loves you and that is something that is important to you then at the least it should be for the fact that you signed those papers FOR HIM. For him to do something that he wanted and would not have been able to do otherwise. Now I am in no way "bashing" him, I just think you may need to present it a little differently and make it clear to him how truly important this is to you.

- Whoever won't participate in whatever event you throw doesn't deserve to be part of your life and I mean this with the utmost respect, but I am saying this out of personal experience.

ie. My mother remarried and I was happy for her until I found out all the awful things he's done to her (physical and mental abuse). After I had yelled at him, he dared to push me! At that point my fiance dragged me out my mothers house arms flailing etc. My mother left him I helped her get an apartment, she got the cops to come with her to pick up her things... 2 weeks later I went out of town on business and a friend of mine let me know that hey were back together and she saw them at an event together. I didn't speak to her for months and she decided she didn't want to attend my bridal shower. We finally started speaking again and eventually I asked her if she was staying with me for the weekend of my wedding. Long story, short (not really) she refuses to come to my wedding without the man that beat her, spit in her face, left her in the city with no phone and no money, and made her sleep outside in the rain on a cold winter night in New York.

My point is if we are not important enough for them to want to celebrate and cherish the big moments in our lives, then they are not worthy of being there in the first place.

- Last thing I promise - You could always have a unique type of wedding/ bachelorette/ bridal shower. Like a RE- everything. That could be your theme! A redo of the things you never got to experience! People have rebirths why cant you have a re-wedding . Anyways sorry for the rant, but I hope I gave you some perspective on things. You're right because it is your choice and no one can take that away from you. Who can tell you not to have a wedding with a beautiful white dress and all your family and friends there to celebrate your love! You deserve it more than a lot of people. You had raised two children, served in the military (thank you for your service), and waited 9 years to get your day I think its about time you started planning it!

I think that you should do what you want to do.

If you would like to throw a big celebration then I say go for it! Life is full of obstacles and hurdles so I understand that sometimes everything doesn't go according to a perfect plan. I don't think that it necessarily negates your ability to experience certain things just because they don't follow a "correct" order, whatever that is anyway.

You will find that some people are going to have an issue with you having a wedding but some people can find fault in anything. Invite who you want to and if they choose not to attend then that's fine and if they attend but are rude that's a reflection on their character and not on yours.

I would not get a divorce if I were you. Don't let some negativity from people make you dismiss your accomplishment of being married for a decade!

And COVID is not the only reason that it would be "okay" for someone to get legally married this year but still have a wedding next year.

Ignore the negativity. Ignore the rude comments. Misery loves company.

View Quoted Comment We should be giving people the 👏support👏 they need to make the best choices for them.


Not the "advice" they didn't need or ask for. Etiquette judgement when it's not specifically requested isn't even advice.
Ladies should 👏build up👏 other ladies. Evaluate who is asking for your judgement, and have a great day.

Do it!!! We got married by the court last year because he’s navy and honestly the extra income would help us pay for our dream wedding. We only told our close family and some members of the wedding party. We planned our wedding and we were suppose to have our big wedding and honeymoon on our first year wedding anniversary but had to postpone due to Covid. However, we postponed for Sep and I actually JUST had my bachelorette weekend with my girls. the date doesn’t matter. Do you! Do what makes you happy. Everyone deserves to have their big day no matter if that comes before or after signing a paper. Marriage is soooo much more than a paper.

I think you should definitely throw a vow renewal. If you want to call it a wedding okay, I personally wouldn’t care if someone who was already married called their vow renewal wedding but that is ME. but be prepared for others to tell you Itis not a wedding Itis a vow renewal.


Now if you don’t have a bridal party it might be hard to have a bachelorette or a “ladies night out” whatever you wanna call it. I know some people don’t agree with having a bridal shower but I don’t think Itis a big deal if you haven’t had one before. My bridal shower I just wanted to be be surrounded by women I love, didn’t even have a gift registry...my choice. Didn’t happen cause of pandemic but my mom is still throwing me one next year.

I think that you should sit down with you husband and really think about how big do you want this wedding and your budget. Do you want a bridal party? Yes no? Do you want a honeymoon ? Etc. communication is key.
I wish you the best of luck and hope we see wedding photos of you in the future on here. Itis okay to follow your dreams ❤️

I totally get it and don't let anyone's opinion of what you want for yourself stop you from having your special day. There are many people that are technically already married before their 'official' wedding day, me being one of them too. And this whole pandemic thing has a lot more people going through with their marriage before their actually wedding day too. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things. But I think that if you want a wedding then your family needs to suck it up and support your decision. If in their minds they need to call it a vow renewal, then so be it. Girl, go ahead- and walk down that isle!

Best of luck with your decision!

I know exactly how you feel. I never really got a real proposal from my husband either! We just went to a jewelry store to figure out what ring size I was, and I needed up picking out my own ring. Once I put it in we sort of just agreed we were “engaged” to each other. It was in a very light-hearted way, but still of course sometimes I wish I had a real happy moment proposal. We simply got married in the DMV about a month later. I keep getting real excited to try and plan a wedding for both of us since then, but we just never have time to plan and explore venues between going on deployments (we’re both in the Army) and just not having enough money.

Just do it! Plan the wedding and call it a wedding! Talk to your partner, and try to explain to him why this means so much to you. I know you’ll miss out on that joy and surprise of a “traditional” proposal, but I hope you’ll still think about it. You deserve to have the wedding you’ve always wanted.

View Quoted Comment I agree are vows important anymore or do we just renew them so we can have a princess day

Hello there!


I’m reading this, currently thinking about doing the same thing with my boyfriend of 2 years. He has decided to pursue his dream of joining the military this year, and we’ve been talking about the best approach for our relationship. We’ve talked about going through with a legal marriage that we won’t consider 100% legit in our eyes before he leaves for BCT. It’s honestly just for the military’s sake since they’re all about the paperwork, and girlfriends are not seen as official dependents despite the fact that we have lived together for 1.5 years. But it’s the way things are and we have to adapt!
We are planning on having an official ceremony and reception once he finishes AIT and is stationed with orders. I also just got into Nursing school so things are not aligned to have a wedding as of right now. For us, the marriage license is more of a legality thing as we would still refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend until we have our wedding. The symbolic significance of the ceremony and reception is what will seal our union for our relationship, personally.
His parents are also very devout Christians so we don’t think they’ll see us as girlfriend/boyfriend, but at the end of the day it’s OUR relationship. I would recommend that you do what you and your partner need to do in order to feel like it is official. If that means having the whole sha-bang with the ceremony and reception, go for it! If it means calling it a wedding and not a vow renewal, then so be it! I personally view the wedding as the celebration of a marriage, no matter how long it has been since the legal commitment has been made. You deserve to be a bride! You’re not alone with your experience, and I hope you choose what is best for you and your partner!

You are entitled the feel the way you do and you DO deserve the whole proposal, shower, wedding. How does your BF feel about this? Does he want the same? And if so, do it. It doesn't have to be huge and glamorous, it can be smaller, simple and beautiful just the same. But Yes, I believe that every woman deserves all that!

One of my dearest friends was married for 17 years (her husband passed away early) but she and her husband got married because she got pregnant and he was in the Navy. She always wanted (and still wants) the proposal and engagement ring. She didn't care about the other stuff, but to this day still would love to have that "real proposal" and ring.

I think as long as your other half is on board with you, you should do it. You deserve it all.