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Day
Expert July 2021

Marrying in 5 Months ... Parents Don’t Know Yet

Day, on February 15, 2021 at 1:37 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
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First and foremost, this is a very sensitive topic for us... and I’ve been dreading a conversation with my parents but 5 months is not a lot of time... so I need some advice. Long post alert!


A bit of background: My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years and 6 months. During that time, we moved across the country (so I could go to graduate school), had couple’s counseling after we decided we wanted to get married, adopted a dog together, travelled as a couple on numerous occasions, etc etc etc. We’ve basically have been living the married life for more than 3 years now, and we love it.
Here’s the kicker... her family, our friends, our coworkers, random people on the street absolutely love how we interact as a couple. We often hear “If you two don’t work out, then love isn’t real and I have no hope.” We’ve been told that our love is infectious... contagious... makes people feel good when they’re around us. But this is NOT the case with my family.
I came out as a lesbian almost 8 years ago, and my family was NOT for it... not in the least. I left my parents’ home at 19 and lived with extended family (aunt and uncle) for several years. They slowly started accepting me... my parents ignored the entire conversation. It wasn’t until this past Christmas (when I visited my parents) that I put my foot down and told them, “You either get all of me or none of me... and that means I’m including my girlfriend in all of this from now on.” They said they would make an effort and it sounded legitimate but in my heart of hearts... I’m not trying to get my hopes up. I’ve gotten my hopes up before, and it’s caused so much mental instability.
So here we are in 2021, we’re eloping beachside on our 5 year anniversary and my parents don’t know. My extended family does but they don’t get what we have. (But who honestly does if you’re not in the relationship... and haven’t tried to understand and see the relationship playing out over the years). So how do I go about this... over the phone...?

14 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on February 15, 2021 at 9:02 PM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Just say it point blank. They haven't been supportive of you in the past according to your account so hope for the best and prepare for the worst as they say.

    Do you want them to know or attend the wedding when you mentioned they don't support your lifestyle? What is your goal and intention of this call?

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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    If meeting in person isn't an option, I would either set up a video call so you can kind of talk to them face to face, or call them on the phone.

    It takes a lot of courage to come out to your family, so I congratulate you for being brave and for loving yourself for who you are! It's difficult when the ones you want so badly to support you and understand, don't. So I can see why you're nervous about this!

    If you're wanting to one day salvage your relationship with your immediate family, then this is something that you definitely don't want to keep secret from them. If anything, I think not telling them would cause more hurt than good, and could cause a bigger rift between you, your fiancé, and your family.

    Talk to them and tell them that this is important to you and your fiancé, and that you're both taking this next step in your relationship. Their support would be wonderful, but if they refuse to understand, then that's on them. Good luck!!!

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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    How far do you live from your parents? I think this is a conversation best had in person, if at all possible. If an in person conversation is not an option, maybe Facetime them? I just feel like if they can see your raw emotion in person, it might be better.

    If in person/facetime conversations don't make you feel comfortable, you could always write them a letter. This is actually how I came out to my parents and being able to write exactly what I was feeling was very much a relief.

    Good luck!!

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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    Just rip off the bandaid. Make the call have the conversation. Either they are supportive, they’re not supportive or they’re mildly supportive. At least you won’t be in limbo and you’ll know how to proceed going forward. Im sorry that you’re relationship is so strained and I really hope that they will be happy for you and in the very least attend.
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Just say hey I decided that I want to marry x and we are getting married in September you are invited

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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Who cares? Frig them. Unless if it has reasons other than the fact that you’re a lesbian then that’s a different story
    . but I wouldn’t even tell them. Let them find out on their own. Down the road when they find out you both decided to possibly have children(whether it be through adoption or however if that’s a goal for you) Or if it’s not children, let them find out when you buy a big house together, or on your one year anniversary honeymoon to someplace exotic, or by posting elopement pictures online. you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to ‘explain’ to people that you’re getting married to someone.
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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    Both of my siblings have gotten married out of the blue as well and have told my parents last minute. I don’t want it to be out of the blue (because everyone else has know for some time that it was in the works) but it is... I should add that I’d like to have a real wedding with family and friends once the COVID situation is out of the picture (per our original plan for this year).
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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    Thanks so much for your support! I definitely don’t want to keep it a secret because that’s one of the things my fiancé does not want... to be a secret wife.
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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    They live on the east coast and I’m on the west coast. I just came back from being over there and I can’t take any more time off since Im in graduate school. As for a letter, I’ve tried that before when I was ‘officially out of the closet’ (per recommendation of my aunt) and my dad refused to read the letter. I think I was more crushed about that than anything else because I really treasure my writing and for him to refuse to read my feelings... well I was destroyed for some time.
    I’m gonna try to see if Skype is an option since he’s not tech savvy... really dreading it though.
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    You're welcome!! Sending you hugs your way! It'll be a tough conversation, but I feel like it's one that has to be made.

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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    Yeah I’m just hoping they can see that I’m happy and will suck it up for the real wedding once COVID gets situated. I definitely don’t want to strain my relationship with my fiancé since we’re so happy.
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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    I really wish I could have that energy. My fiancé is that way and I admire the heck out of it. Toxic family members really do hold me back and she sees it time and time again. I definitely don’t want to explain but tell. I really appreciate you reminding me this.
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  • Day
    Expert July 2021
    Day ·
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    Yeah I think I just need to just say it and that’s it. Ignore what’s said after because my intention was just to inform them.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Just say it! Call them up (unless they live close by then go to their place) & tell them. Either they will be supportive- if they’re not then at least you know where you stand.
    My daughter was engaged to a man (when he proposed I had a feeling he was just trying to save the relationship) but she broke it off. Week later she came out to me, telling me she was gay. My job as her mother, is to make sure she’s happy & healthy so I’m like “and? Is that all you had to say? Don’t scare me talking like that! I thought you had bad news!!” Her father & her wife’s mother didn’t show. I told them both it doesn’t matter, the people that are here to support you, that love you, that know this is a beautiful thing- we’re your family! We might not all be blood but like it or not, we’re family!
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