Marrying Someone With a different belief

I'm atheist, FH is a non-practicing and non-spoken Lutheran. It doesn't bother us. My parents have made comments about how it's going to change if/when we have kids and get married like they know, but we both are on the same page with that. I do honestly believe it bothers my FMIL, but she hasn't said a word to me about it.

Are you experiencing something because of it?

Neither of us is really religious.

We both are spiritual, but in different ways.

It doesn't really affect us at all.

Are you having any issues, or is it the "how will we raise our kids" discussion?

My H was raised Baptist, his father was a pastor, his grandfather was a pastor, his X is a pastor's daughter, etc etc. His beliefs began to wane when he was 17 and then he abandoned them altogether when his brother was killed in an accident 4 years ago. His family is still VERY religious, ie, when we eat with his dad, we say grace, even in restaurants, his daughter believes only people who go to church are good. Me on the other hand, my mother was raised Muslim and her father said my father would have to convert if he wanted to marry her (looong story), and he did. Neither of my parents practice much, but both identify as Muslims. It's very important to my family (and very important to me) that we do not raise our children as Christian (and was very important to them that our wedding ceremony was completely secular). My H knows this and agrees, I do fear that his father may try to influence our future children, and I may have to nip that in the bud when the time comes.

ETA: clarity

By reaching out on here you seem like you are seeking some reassurance that everything will be okay. Remember that by word breakdown agnostic basically means they do not know what to believe, so you have a bit better hope than someone who defies the beliefs of the Christian faith. However, the Bible does state not to be yoked together with a nonbeliever. Marriage works best when God is in the middle, since that is how He created it. It is best when you can share absolutely everything with your spouse. Unfortunately by him being an unbeliever, you will have to go outside your marriage to gain a Christian perspective on things and you will not have the assurance that God is in the center and will fight for your marriage when things get tough. Message me if there's anything I can do to help.

DH and I have exactly the same views on religion, and our desire for lack of it. I come from a catholic and jewish background, but not practicing, and none of my immediate, or even extended family actually, are practicing in any way. My step sisters randomly got religious, but whatever.

He comes from a Catholic background - his mom still goes to church, but it's pretty loose compared to most people.

Frankly, I couldn't have married anyone of any religious faith. We wouldn't have gotten past the first date.

ETA: I too would like to know why you're asking.

It's more important that the two of you can respect each other's differing beliefs and agree how to raise any future children than what your family thinks.

I think marriage works best with mutual respect, trust, and communication. Religion aside.

@Lara that is interesting! Have you ever practiced yourself? Neither my H or I are religious, both probably agnostic. But he was raised Catholic and said that even though he is no longer Catholic, he would feel uncomfortable in another type of church. So our wedding had to be secular as well.

ETA: To OP's actual question, I think it can work as long as religion is not a dealbreaker for either of you. But for some people, it is.

I'm with m. I honestly don't think I could have married someone who didn't share my beliefs. FH was raised Protestant, and my parents are Catholic but my brother and I bounced around churches for a few years before my family just gave up. I'm not strong enough to commit to someone who could see the world so differently, and by that I mean someone who thinks there is any logic or truth in religion. Neither of us is religious in any capacity and we do not believe in god; FH leans more towards the agnostic side and I'm a fairly firm atheist.

I have many friends who married over religious lines, and they've all agreed that the best way to navigate religious differences is tolerance and respect. Don't try to force him to go to church or to believe like you do, and he should do the same by respecting your beliefs and your faith. He obviously doesn't need god to be a man worthy of marriage, so as long as you are both understanding, it should be fine.

@Staci, not really. When I was 7, as a family we went to Mecca, but it wasn't during Hajj and we lived in Saudi Arabia so it wasn't like we traveled far. When I was 14 my mother brought me a copy of the Quran in English and told me to read it. I got through the first chapter. I've fasted a few times during Ramadan, but never through the entire month. I remember my mother fasting, but it's been years since she has. At this point, the only time she prays is before she flies and when someone dies. My father's mother was so thrilled that at 33, someone finally agreed to marry him, she didn't care that he would leave Christianity, and he'd always had a fascination with Islam and the Arab world.

Has this brought up issues in the past? Being a Christian, is having a spiritual head important to you? Do you want to follow the scriptural council to not marry outside of the lord? Do you want someone you can easily and lovingly discuss faith with and will give you spiritual guidance? Will it make future goals difficult to agree on? Do you want someone who can attend church functions with you and not feel forced? How will you raise your children? These are all only questions you can answer.

As a Jehovah's Witness I would not marry someone who wasn't also a JW, purely because we live a different lifestyle then most.

It seems kinda far along in the relationship to be worrying about this now...was it not discussed in the past or it was and there have been no issues?

You lived in Saudi Arabia?! That's awesome. We will have to talk about that at the social lol.

This is basically what we do every weekend, multiple times, and rarely do we encounter a family that is so blinded by religious differences that they can't celebrate their children finding the person they love and want to build a life with.

The important factor here is respect for each other and each other's believes or lack thereof. And respectfully, Sarah, there are plenty of couples who not only don't think marriage is better with God in the middle, NOR do they think that God created it (techincally not true, but we'll let it go..), but don't personify God as a He. If that works for you, spectacular, but characterizing one partner or another as somehow inferior because they're a non believer is a sure path to trouble.

@Staci, Yes! I'm so excited for the social!

I think it depends. If faith and Church is a big part of your life, you need to realize that your FH will probably not share into that big part of you life. When you have kids, if going to Church as an entire family is something you want, know that you probably won't have that. It's definitely possible to marry someone who doesn't share the same faith as you, but it will affect your relationship and you need to be open and honest about this topic with your FH before you get married. Also, be aware that some churches, like the Catholic Church, won't marry you if you aren't both Christians.

To follow on Nicole's comment (if you hadn't noticed, I've thought about this a lot), if you intend to take your children to church and your husband won't go, you're going to need to be prepared with some answers for them. H's daughter asks him a lot why he no longer goes to church, does he hate god, does he think god hates him because he divorced her mom, is he not a good person, etc etc. My boss stays home while his wife takes the kids to church and they ask her all sorts of questions about it also.

Staci/Lara - I want to live where ever you guys are so I can go to the social! My FH was born and raised in Saudi and I love learning about it and hearing others experiences!

Agreeing on religion is super important to me. I would not be able to date someone who didn't have the same basic beliefs, and I would not have married DH if he wasn't willing to join my religion.

@Swolemates, that's awesome! Unfortunately we are in the *other* Washington.

I am Lutheran and my husband was raised catholic. I went to catholic school and so did he, although I am not catholic by any means. Because we have the same general belief, it has never been a problem. I go to church occasionally and he doesn't attend my church. However on major holidays or when he is inclined, I will go to his church. we have discussed that when we have kids, they are going to be baptized and if he wants them to be catholic, I fully support that, but its still up in the air.

My MIL however will make comments about me not being catholic sometimes. I fire right back that her husband is a Lutheran like me, so she shouldn't say much about how we will raise our kids. especially because having 2 parents with different religions didn't "alter" my husband in any way growing up.

I'm a practicing Catholic and my FH is an agnostic. We talked it out early on, because we knew this would be the biggest stumbling block for our relationship. He has been incredibly giving in this regard—he comes to Mass with me on Sundays and agreed that we can raise our future kids Catholic. His one caveat is that he will never lie and say that he believes or knows something to be true that he doesn't. We're getting married in the Catholic church, and he did a lot of research on the ceremony to make sure that he doesn't have to agree to anything in the service that he can't in good conscience, and we're all good there. We've done all our premarital counseling through the church and both got a lot out of it. The main thing for us is that we have the same values and that he is happy to go along with the Catholic teaching on how we live our day-to-day lives (most of it he was already doing just because he thought it was right on his own). If that hadn't been the case, we never would have gotten engaged. My parents know what a winner he is, and that he's supportive of my faith, so they've never had a problem with it. His parents (both atheists) don't seem to care that I'm Catholic. I would think that if you two have talked this stuff out, and are confident in your ability to compromise, then your parents would trust that you've got it covered. They'll see your confidence and hopefully it will be infectious. Good luck!