Marrying Someone With a different belief

My H was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. Although 11 years ago he quit practicing. He left a lot of it behind but some of the teachings he still believes. Such as, there is no heaven or hell. I don't know what I believe but I think there's something somewhere. I'm not practicing religion and I haven't for awhile. We had a conversation on the way home from a baseball game about three years ago and we completely disagreed on it all. We then decided that since neither of us have practiced a religion since we knew each other that we just wouldn't discuss it and continue to believe what we each believed. No problems since then!

@Rebecca: You make a very good point about what your mom tells you vs. what your dad tells you. No argument there

If I knew you in real life, and felt comfortable with you, I'd explain to you my beliefs and how I feel about the church and my faith, even knowing you'll probably disagree with me. But because I don't know you and this is a public forum on the internet, I'll respectfully decline to answer your question. Sorry

No problem, I know it's a deeply personal issue to a lot of people with a lot of complications! I didn't mean to hijack this thread.

FH is a Protestant and I am Catholic. Even though we are both Christians, the differences in our beliefs are pretty significant. We both agreed we would respect each other's beliefs and find a church we both love, no matter what it is. He respects the fact that I want to go to a Catholic Mass every now and then with my family and he's okay with that. I think as long as you both can find middle ground and talk openly about your differences you should be okay. Just respect each other's differences and embrace the similarities :]

I just want my couples to treat each other beautifully and put their relationship first.

That is really the key; it's just as simple as that.

As a therapist, religion is one of the topics I always cover in pre-marital counselling, especially the question of how the kids will be raised. Many people who are fine with their partners having a different belief are NOT fine with their kids being raised exposed to one. Another question is, how will the in-laws react when their grandchildren are raised in/exposed to a different religion? While I would say it's none of their business, often the child of the irate parents feels a lot of pressure to appease the parents-- it's good to talk this all out in advance.

Even in my own marriage, I'm an atheist and DH always *claimed* to be agnostic (even though he never said anything that made me think he had any doubts...) and then one day he read the quote, "An agnostic is just a cowardly atheist" and now he doesn't even want to tell our kids some people they love believe in God! Silly man.

My FH comes from a Christian background. I guess I consider myself to be agnostic. His dad used to be a pastor and FH attended church regularly until he was 14. He isn't really religious anymore though. However, we are moving into a condo next year that is literally across the street from his old church that his dad still attends so we will likely make an appearance here or there. We've talked about how we would raise our kids and I have no issues with them going to church, I just may not go with them all the time. We also both believe that it is important for our children to learn about all kinds of different religions and then they can make their own decisions regarding their faith and what they believe.

How important is your faith to you? Would you be okay with your FH not participating in your faith as much as you would like, or not at all? These are all things that probably should have been considered long before getting engaged but better late than never I guess. A lot of the other ladies brought up some very good questions to think about.

I am following this thread so hard. I'm in the same boat as you, just rowing in the other direction. I'm agnostic, he's Orthodox Christian. I'm not even baptized. Fun!

In all seriousness, this is kind of a big deal for us, but only because religion has been a part of his life for ... his whole life. Me? I was raised to be curious about everything with the freedom to believe in nothing, or whatever I wanted. Interestingly (to me anyway), I used to be very obsessed with the Greek pantheon. Funny because up until Christianity, so did my fiancé's ancestors!

The complication is that I need to covert. This is very hard for me because I question everything and it's been hard to have conversations with him about building a foundation of faith where I have the freedom to still wonder.

@Stephanie -- how are you dealing with this on your end?

My DH was raised Jehovah Witness and I was raised Pentecostal. Yes, two completely different worlds. Both very strict and extreme but on completely different levels.

I wont lie, this has been the only obstacle in our relationship. Where my DH has never been baptized nor does he really practice the religion, he strongly believes in certain beliefs that he was taught growing up. He raises his kids very strict. It was an issue with me because I don't practice the religion I grew up in AT ALL so I didn't understand why he still believed yet didn't practice. We are still working it and it will probably change once we have children together, but are very willing to work it out together. We put our relationship first in our lives and we have very open communication about it all.

I think that is key to all relationships.

ETA: For our wedding, we did make it completely secular to please both sides and it work out wonderfully. Our family's don't seem to have any issues with our differences in beliefs.

My Christian faith is very important to me, and my husband is a non-practicing Catholic. I'll be honest and say I hope one day he has a relationship with God, but I respect what he believes and know that only he can make that decision. When you have children it's a different story. Our children have the right to chose what belief system they chose as adults, but the Christian parent is responsible for laying a strong foundation for our children and giving them a start.

But whatever the decision it's always best to have that talk before entering marriage what you hope and expect for yourselves and your kids if you chose to have them.

I do think the issues of different beliefs will become problematic if one spouse believes that he/she has to spend x amount of hours a weeks proselytizing and knocking on doors while the other spouse thinks weekends were made for Michelob.

While it is rare for a zealot to marry someone outside of their faith, it does happen. The lapsed Catholic -- married to a Jewish spouse who doesn't practice his/her faith until it's time to dust off the Menorah in December and then asks the lapsed Catholic spouse to find the right sized candles when he/she is picking up a few strings of Christmas lights -- can be the beginning of an issue that nobody saw coming.

There may be dust ups when children are born and the issue of faith is on the table. Conceptualizing children is a lot different than holding them in your arms. You'd be surprised how many people revert to their early childhood faiths when their children are born. This is an issue that really needs to be discussed and settled prior to marriage. The Christian who no longer identifies with their childhood faith at the time of the marriage may suddenly become quite hostile when his/her spouse says that their child isn't attending any kind of religious instruction or they are attending Hebrew School and ultimately being Bar or Bat Mitzvahed..

It's really important, especially if children are part of your life plan, that this issue is thoroughly discussed and revisited multiple time before conception.

@OliveBranch. The problem is that it's not about your needing to convert...but do you really believe? Conversion is not empty faith.

I am not religious at all. It's something I've given considerable thought to and it's just not part of my life or belief system. FH is a Christian and was raised in a very Christian household. His father is a pastor. They are open, accepting, absolutely wonderful people. FH isn't a practicing Christian and we are not getting married in a church. His dad is our officiant and our short, simple ceremony will include a few Christian elements as per my FH's wishes but will also reflect what I want. I completely respect FH's views and he respects mine. This has never been an issue for us.

I really wasn't expecting so many responses, so I really haven't been able to keep up. Thank you everyone who has replied

@OliveBranch - My FH and I are having a Christian ceremony because this was important to me. Our minister is absolutely fabulous. My FH and I have discussed religion in depth and how important it is to me and how he feels. Ultimately, we decided that this would not be an issue in our relationship as we are both able to respect each other's system of belief. I think if he was trying to tell me everything I believed was wrong or I tried to force my faith down his throat, we would have a different scenario.

Before dating my fiance, I was with a Christian man for almost 3 years. During this time, I was the most separated from my faith. He did not encourage me in my faith. My fiance does encourage me and he asks me questions and he tries to learn more about what I believe.

On the issue of converting. My minister does not require that my fiance convert to have a Christian ceremony. But she did say our ceremony would be God centered and if he wasn't okay with that, it was absolutely fine, but that she wouldn't be able to perform the ceremony if we weren't okay with God being brought up. Do you have to convert to have your wedding in the Orthodox church? Unfortunately, I am not well versed in that particular denomination. If yes, is your fiance adamant about being married in that church? Could you guys come up with a compromise - perhaps use a minister like mine who requires a Christian ceremony but does not require any sort of conversion?

If you have to convert, I would suggest reaching out to the minister (priest?) to learn more about what it means to be a member of that church.

My fiance took my parents out to lunch before asking me to marry him. From what I hear, they grilled him on questions. I know that they would prefer that he be a Christian, but I think that they have also accepted him into the family and just want me to be happy. I think their biggest issue was they didn't want him to deter me from my faith.

I would definitely sit down and talk to your fiance about how you're feeling. Assure him that you have no desire to stop him from going to church or believing, but that you also need him to understand where you're coming from. It can definitely be a hard conversation (There may be some tears) but I personally think it is an important conversation to have and it will ultimately make your relationship stronger because you are communicating

Good luck! And just know that these relationships can definitely work. It just may take more effort than a relationship where religiously the couple is on the same page. My best friend is Christian and married an agnostic man, they've been married 2 years at this point and together about 6 or 7. Both she and her husband are very happy. But she did say that communication has been key to their success!

Oh man- we had this conversation when we first talked about dating for real... I was raised born again christian and struggled mightely through college with certain things- and by the time I graduated I felt like every word I spoke and every song I sang in church was a hollow lie. I didn't just drift away- I made a conscious choice to walk away from that life. But the problem (problem not problem) is that much of that still resides with in me- almost 20 years of that life and it's not a cord cleanly cut.

He on the other hand is very much an agnostic/atheist type. (I say he falls just shy of total atheist- but he's to skeptical to be a pure agnostic.

So when we first started dating we had to talk about it b/c on paper- we are a horrible fit together- personality and beliefs- so we treaded very carefully while first dating- not wanting to waste anyone's time- but it kept continuing to work out and we were happy. So here we are. LOL

We love and respect each other as individuals- and as long as no one is joining a puppy slaughtering cult- we are okay.

@OliveBranch - I was baptized Russian Orthodox but don't practice anymore. Feel free to connect if you need someone to talk to. It definitely can seem overwhelming at first.

FH was raised Jewish and I was raised Lutheran. For that reason, we had a civil officiant marry us. We've been married 28 years with no arguments about religion -- probably because neither of us attend worship.

Three years after we got married, I officiated my first wedding and realized that we are probably not the only couple in such a situation. Since then, I've married people who are atheists, agnostics, Catholics and other Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus -- to each other.

This has been said but I will say it.

If you are a practicing christian then you should know that in the bible it say you should have equal yokes. Some people interpret it that you should be the economy level, same religious base and/or same part in you walk with god...etc.

My mother is a very "active" Christian and my dad was raised Catholic and has been non"active" in the church since they have been together. They have worked it out and for the most part have a had a pretty good relationship. Its something they both had to work at and learn how to deal with there diffrences.

I would ask these questions and not wether or not you family will care, personaly.

Are you having a christian ceremony? Are you having a priest or pastor? In a church?

Do you believe your husband is going to heaven? Do you believe he is going to change/convert? What do you plan on telling your children (do you plan on having children?) Does he/will he go to church with you and participate in your religious activities?

For me, there is nothing in the world more important than my relationship with God (notice I didn't say 'religion'). So it was important to me to marry a believer. We did not grow up in the same "denomination" so to speak but the differences are very minimal. We both believe in God and that the bible is His inspired word and what we look to for how to live our lives and raise our children. Having a spiritual leader is so important.

@Michelle, out of curiosity and for clarity, are you referring to your FH as your spiritual leader or God as your spiritual leader?

If it's your FH who was your spiritual leader before him?