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Expert October 2023

Matron of Honor Drama, Aita?

Julija, on January 29, 2023 at 4:05 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 4

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So I have two of honors. My sister who is my maid of honor and a close friend who is my matron of honor. Things have recently gotten weird between me, my matron of honor, and my fiancé due to her work and him helping her with said work due to his area of expertise. Without going into a lot of details, she has a lot of trauma that deals with mommy and daddy issues and she has been projecting her daddy issues onto my fiancé instead of her own husband. I want to believe that it is not anything sexual on her end but I honestly don’t know. I do know that my fiancé has expressed being extremely uncomfortable when she does things like that and it has also made me extremely uncomfortable. We both have brought it up gently to her a few times, but she doesn’t seem to think there is any problem. It’s gotten so bad that I am debating about going and having her removed from the wedding as a whole. If I do this though it will cause a huge rift in our relationship and we work together in so many different socials spheres that there is no way I can avoid her, so instead I think asking her to step down from the matron of honor position stating the reason as she has been too busy for work to actually put in any time or effort into helping me with any part of the wedding to the point where the only thing I will actually be able to talk to her about the wedding is what she specifically is wearing (accurate statement btw) would be the better option. Before that I plan to bring up boundaries again with her, this time more firmly, and if she respects them then I think I’ll just keep this as they are, but if she doesn’t then I plan to demote or kick her out. If it does come to demoting her or kicking her out would I be the butt-hole?

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Latest activity by Julija, on January 29, 2023 at 7:34 PM

Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on January 29, 2023 at 4:27 PM
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If she is crossing boundaries with your fiancé, which is making both you and him uncomfortable, then no I do not think it would be wrong to remove her from your wedding party. However, it would be wrong on your part to lie about the reasoning for removing her. If her actions are bad enough to cause her to be removed from her position, she deserves (and needs) to know that is the reason why. Also, citing her not doing anything for your wedding other than what she is wearing, is not a faux pas on her part. Really, the only duties of a bridesmaid is to show up the day of your wedding wearing the appropriate attire. If this has been a great friend to you (which I assume she has been, since she is your matron of honor), I agree that you should probably have another, more direct conversation with her about your feelings. I know bringing up things like this is difficult and uncomfortable, but you have to be incredibly open and direct with her about your feelings, otherwise she may not understand how serious the situation is. If she continues to disregard your feelings after that, I would tell her you feel hurt and disrespected that she did not honor your wishes or respect your relationship; and because of that, you don’t feel she should be a part of your wedding party. Do keep in mind, though, that removing her from the wedding party could result in permanent damage to your relationship with her. But if she is disregarding your feelings and acting inappropriately to your spouse, it is probably not a friendship you will want to maintain anyway.
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Expert October 2023
Julija · on January 29, 2023 at 4:43 PM
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That's a valid point. I guess the main reason why I thought of the other idea was because I'm scared that she is going to try and gaslight me by stating that I'm over reacting again like she has the past 5 times I've talked with her about it. It's always me being too sensitive, that I need to just let things go, that it's not that big of a deal, etc. even though my fiance will tell her some of the same things. She even guilt tripped him out of some of his boundaries because of the help that she needed. Then, after she and I talk she goes and then complains about me to my fiance that I am being a jealous possessive witch that starts with a b. He always shuts her down about it and lets me know because it peeves him off so much, but it still hurts and is annoying. He's been awesome and putting up a lot of boundaries on his end with her, which is mainly just ignoring her outside of time to work on things and making sure that her husband is home when they are working on those things at her place, but it still is difficult when she keeps trying to cross those boundaries constantly with him.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on January 29, 2023 at 6:03 PM
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That is very frustrating. If you’ve already had multiple conversations with her, and she keeps trying to flip things around to make you the bad guy, I would probably reevaluate whether you even want this person in your life still (let alone in your wedding party). If you truly want to try to salvage the friendship, maybe you and your fiancé could sit down with her and her husband (it’s key to having both of them together, so things can’t get twisted with the he said she said, and she can’t lie her way out of things), and bring up the concerns. Maybe once her actions are brought to light in front of her husband, she will be embarrassed and realize just how wrong her actions are.
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