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Beginner August 2021

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Carlie, on January 5, 2021 at 12:04 AM

I'm interested in advice, or to see if any of you ladies are, or have been, in a similar situation: My fiancé and I have not talked to his mom and stepdad going on two years now. It will be 2.5 years come wedding time. There is little respect and zero boundaries when it comes to them and their...

I'm interested in advice, or to see if any of you ladies are, or have been, in a similar situation:

My fiancé and I have not talked to his mom and stepdad going on two years now. It will be 2.5 years come wedding time. There is little respect and zero boundaries when it comes to them and their thought process is "all or nothing" and "poor me" (always the victim).

When I first got my with fiancé I told him how much I liked his mother, because at the time we got along well. His words were "Just beware that you will end up doing something that will piss her off and she will end up hating you." She had done so with every other woman he's had in his life, gf or ex-wife. Well this last time was the third major time in less than 3 years that she got on her hate train as I'll call it, and snubbed me. Between that and other issues with his stepdad, he cut contact.

My fiancé is to the point that he does not want contact with them. He chose not to respond to even their Merry Christmas texts as his life is more peaceful now than it ever has been. (We even are getting along with his ex-wife.)

We know if his mom and stepdad are invited to the wedding there WILL be drama. Anyone who knows them, knows this to be the case. She will play the "poor me", "I'm the victim", and "I'm the mother of the groom and it's all about me". What do we do?

My questions to you ladies (and gentlemen) are: Do we still invite his mom and stepdad? Do we do so with or without conditions? How soon should we break the no contact and talk with them? (Neither of us are chomping at the bit to talk to them.) If you were in the situation and they showed, how did it go? How was it handled?

Thank you all in advance for reading and responding!

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26 Comments

VIP October 2022
Samantha · on February 13, 2021 at 8:02 PM
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Is your family generally well meaning and positive? I ask because this often happens - a family who get along and support each other can’t understand why a child can be estranged from a parent. This requires true empathy - the ability to understand the feelings of others, even if you have never felt this way.
Trust your fh. His life has improved going no-contact with his mother. Remember that. He feels at peace. If you allow your family to convince you to invite her, you are inviting chaos into his life.
Trust that he knows what he knows, and stand with him.
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Beginner August 2021
Carlie · on February 13, 2021 at 8:10 PM
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Yes. I’ve done a lot of reading being with my FH and dealing with his high conflict mother and ex-wife. The saying you marry your parent rang so true with his first wife. Her and his mother are two peas in a pod.

My parents are what I’d consider normal, but that’s not to say flawless. One of the things I’ve read is that a child of narcissistic parents will not go no contact or does not know the relationship is toxic until they are around and see a “normal” relationship. I personally feel like that is where we are at. This last fight 2 years ago was out 3rd in less than 2 years and he’d had enough. From how they treated me like to ultimately what they did to him. Then to add to it he was told by his step father he wasn’t allowed to feel that way bc he didn’t know all the facts and he was the issue that needed help.
My parents are at a loss on what to tell him or guidance to give as they have never been in this situation or had to deal with people like this. It’s part of why I made this original post. To reach out to others that have shared the experience. I’m all fine if they aren’t invited and don’t come. He’s just got to figure out where he sits. What happens if he does decide he wants them here and invites them and they are no shows? (Not sure I see that happening as his mom craves attention)
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on February 13, 2021 at 8:18 PM
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If he wants them there, I’d suggest prepping some people you trust - imposing men, that sort of thing - to be watchful if bad things go down.

And decide how you want it managed - if she starts having a tantrum, what do you want to happen? Ignore her? Have security escort her out?If other guests start coming up and telling you that she’s trashing you and your fh - have some responses “I’m sorry you had to hear that, please ignore her.” “I had hoped she would enjoy herself, we really did the best we could, please don’t let her ruin your night, we are so glad you came!”

And practice the “gray rock” technique when talking with them. And let your wedding party and family know that this is not their problem to fix. The estrangement is what has led to peace for him, it’s not something anyone needs to figure out how to fix.
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Beginner August 2021
Carlie · on February 13, 2021 at 8:36 PM
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I like this and will definitely be doing something of the sort. Luckily majority of the wedding party know his mom and how she is so they’ll be expecting it. I also have hired a day of coordinator and will make her aware of where we sit with his mom. I know her from high school and know she won’t take no BS.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on February 13, 2021 at 8:39 PM
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Those are really good ways to manage amy outbursts. That’s the key with these sort of people - they will act up, and if you have a game plan you won’t be caught blindsided.
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Beginner August 2021
Carlie · on April 3, 2021 at 7:38 PM
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Still a couple months (less than 150 days) to the wedding so things could always surprisingly change, but as of today, his mother and stepfather will not be getting an invite. We will not do a sit down or even reach out to them. They have been communicating with his ex wife whom they’ve had disgustingly horrid things to say about. She’s enjoying taking the boys to them and dropping them off who she doesn’t have to parent them and be the “winner” letting them see Gma and papa.. This weekend they are camping with the boys and who knows how much she’s around, but my fiancé has had enough. He had already told his father that he will not be inviting them as it’s less drama and no awkwardness..

I feel horribly bad for him as who’s parents chose their ex over their child after they (the parents) throw the fit they did. He acts like he’s over it but it’s got to suck! I know for me though it’s just one less stress to worry about for the day.
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