mil from hell

Oh dear... so sorry, Tanzie. All I can suggest is to limit or even cut off contact with her if she keep being toxic like that.

View Quoted Comment Oh that will be in my message to her this evening

I totally get the venting and all of the hurt. But I don't know what you will gain from detailing to her (with proof or without) all of the things she did wrong. She is not likely to apologize or try to make up for what she did, which will only make you more upset.

If you and your husband are cutting contact, then there's nothing to do other than decline to respond to her when she contacts you. He can briefly explain (she is his mom, so this is his responsibility) and then drop it. If you aren't ready to cut contact, then it's still his responsibility to communicate your boundaries to her. Then it's up to her to decide if she wants to behave or not.

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry but I disagree it is my responsibility to make sure my children aren't being hurt. My husband has a hard time with confrontation especially with his family so I'll be handling it and if she would choose that she wants to remain in our lives she needs to know what is acceptable and what is not which is why I will be listing what we found as unacceptable

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OK. It is absolutely your responsibility to protect your children. But you can easily do that by keeping them away from their grandmother. You can't make her be a nice person, no matter how carefully you explain what she did wrong. She has shown you who she is; believe her.

View Quoted Comment Trying to put best foot forward and give her a chance before cutting her out... I feel like it's best for my family if she can be around and act correctly and that she should be given the chance to be around

My ex mother in law was like that. I had to finally accept the fact she didn’t like me since I’m Hispanic & her son is white. I stopped being involved in that side of the family. Thank God my future MIL isn’t like that! Best of luck- I’d cut her out.

Yes I agree with previous posters. There's no need for a chat with her. Just stop bringing the kids around her. If she asks then that's when you tell her why.
I love the way this woman spoke to her mom when she was hurting one of her kids:


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sttgfh0g5qm

She sounds like a narcissist.

Telling her what she did wrong and why you are cutting contact is giving her ammunition to bad talk you to the rest of the family.

I speak from experience -- this is my mother.

The best course of action is to a) cut contact immediately, b) get you and the family into counseling, because narcissists do a LOT of damage, c) maintain the "high road" with other family. (They will ask. They will pester. They will be manipulated into guilting you. Change the subject, say it is between her and you and leave it alone.)

Talk to your kids about how her behavior was inappropriate, and you are sorry. It isn't their fault.

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Exactly this.

I understand that you want to set some boundaries so that the kids can see her, bc it is important for children to have the grandmother if they can. But if she keeps showing you that she cares more about her interest then her family. For the children’s protect. Cut her out, it’s not your fault or your husbands or the kids. It’s hers

I agree with the most of the posts that state, don't say anything, just cut her out. It's for your well being as well as your family's. Starting a scene only makes it worse and putting it in writing only gives her more ammunition against you. Don't do it.

Do make sure it does not get swept under the rug and avoided, by you and hubby. You should each have a bullet points list in your heads of ways she crossed boundaries.
But then, I think you should write a clear edited letter from the two of you, that just summarizes her rudeness. And says you will not be seeing her again, will be civil and walk on by when you meet at family functions ** (new boundaries), because of her repeatedly self involved behavior that has been so hurtful to you as a couple. Keep a couple of copies, put in the mail.
** I have learned through the years, that if you do notmention it, such people get a great deal of attention over, oh it is Christmas and I cannot come to your house because son and wife forbid me. Or saying only she, or you, can be invited to some 100 person wedding. And you take the blame for a huge rift that affects the whole family. So make it clear now, and tell others, you understand there are times when you both will be invited to other people's functions. And that when it happens you will be civil, no fighting, but ignore each other. . . . Then if she starts playing games on holidays, other family things, you have something to show other than a verbal argument, that you asked for a civil truce, not carring on to family that they must take sides . Not saying, choose between you, who to invite. Make it clear, her behavior toward you as a family, son, her, and kids, is reason to cut interactions with her, but will not affect relationships with others.Otherwise she will get loads of sympathy being drama queen, rather than it being clear you are ignoring her, but not affecting other relationships too. Write it clearly. And have hubby tell other key family that you are not starting a war. If they invite her, and you, to weddings, holidays, anniversaries, that is fine. You will simply treat her like a stranger, civil but not causing any trouble for your hosts, or other family. Because this is where narcissists get unlimited attention. The issue is, she endlessly acts like a bi!!! and you have had enough. Not the story she would tell otherwise, that you are causing a war with all relatives. . . . My first MIL was a miserable excuse for a human being.

So very sorry for what you are going through. My Mother In Law can be challenging at times, She craves attention it does not matter if it's positive or Negative she just has to have attention and everything has to be all about her.