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October 2020

mil help (again)

Anonymous, on September 27, 2020 at 5:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 25
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Hey everyone. I recently posted a question regarding what to do about my MIL. I’m really struggling. I’m the type of person who just does NOT want to cause any tension with anyone. So ’m having an issue standing up for myself in this situation. I’ll give some background: basically my MIL and SILs are having 3 outfits changes during my wedding. My MIL also wants me to change once at least (I’m sure she would like more). I do not want to. Especially with everything going on this year, how difficult and emotional it has been trying to plan and replan a wedding 3 times now because of COVID, I just really want to enjoy my day in the outfit that I’ve chosen that my parents have so graciously bought for me. But she has mentioned me changing three times now even though I have said no each time. The first two times I said no and then today she spoke to my mom on the side during a vendor meeting and told her that basically I should do some things “to please the other side(in laws) ” which is apparently the advice she gives her own daughter too. The time before this she said that I’m representing their family now so while it’s “my choice, I should think about the fact that I’m representing their family post wedding”


This in my opinion is such backward and old fashioned thinking. I just absolutely HATE that she keeps bringing it up to me or my family. She has already taken a look at my outfit after insisting she has to see it, and has made snide comments about it. It’s just SO frustrating and honestly hurtful.
My question is : am I doing the right thing or wrong thing by deciding not to change? I would much rather spend the time with my guests and speak to them all including the ones coming from “their side” to me that is so much more important and special than making outfit changes.
Please advise, I’m at a loss completely
Thanks in advance!

25 Comments

Latest activity by Anonymous, on September 29, 2020 at 6:40 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
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    Yes, you're doing the right thing. You have control over what you wear, on your wedding day as well as any other day. You are not a barbie doll for your FMIL to parade around. If you like what you're wearing and don't want to change, you should not have to.
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  • Kia
    Devoted September 2021
    Kia ·
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    Is this like a cultural thing? What is the reason they are treating this like a literal fashion show?
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    So, yes, we need to know if this is a cultural thing… And I apologize if it is because I am on familiar with it. However I had my make up artist on site and she suggested to do a second look which would take time to fix that make up and redo the hairstyle so I graciously decline… And I am so glad I did. The day is so crazy and time is so precious and I did not feel the need to waste it on my hair. So if it is not cultural, I definitely think it is odd and a waste of time!
    At the end of the day this is your day not hers.
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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    I agree with the others that if it’s not cultural then I would rather spend time with my guests.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    This wedding is yours & your FH- if you don’t want to change than don’t change. I’m thinking that if she tries to bulldoze & succeed her way with this, than what will she try once your married? Seems like you have to put your foot down (no matter how uncomfortable it is) & tell her once & for all the answer is NO.
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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    Put your foot down. “MIL, this subject is not up for discussion. I will not be changing and there will be no further conversations about it.” You’re not the one causing tension, she is, by repeatedly bringing this up when you’ve already said no. You might find it helpful to read a book called The Nice Girl Syndrome.
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  • A
    October 2020
    Anonymous ·
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    Hi! I don’t believe it is
    We are the same culture but I have reached out to someone who is familiar with their specific culture so I will see. But I feel like if it was a cultural thing they should just say that and not just keep insisting on me changing with no reason, if that makes sense.
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  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    Where is your future spouse in this situation? This burden is not yours alone to bear, and since she doesn’t seem to respect you as an individual, her son/daughter needs to step in and assert boundaries of how he/she expects her to treat his wife now and going forward in a one-on-one conversation. If it doesn’t end here, unfortunately she will continue to behave this way throughout your marriage unless her child tells her it is unacceptable. You have politely declined, and that should be the end of it.
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  • Kia
    Devoted September 2021
    Kia ·
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    Totally! My FH is half Filipino half black so I reached out to his mother to see if there were any traditions she needed for us to include in the day as well and she guided me from there.


    If it’s cultural they’re usually willing to pay for it so I would just do it; It’s no sweat off your back or money out of your pocket. If they’re not going to pay for it though, they can kick rocks lol. Just say you like your dress and that you see no point in changing because they haven’t explained the purpose of changing
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I would continue standing your ground. There is no reason you should be forced to change if you don't want to. If you give in now that will continue to set the tone for the rest of your marriage because she will think she can interfere and you will give in.

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  • A
    October 2020
    Anonymous ·
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    Yeah they gifted me money for a reception outfit which they are now saying I can use for this. But I personally think it’s the principle of the whole thing now. I think if I give in now, she will think she can simply control me throughout our lives
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  • Sinaya
    Devoted August 2022
    Sinaya ·
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    Regardless of whether this is a cultural thing or not, I would get my FH involved in this issue. He should be backing you up either way and help set boundaries. It’s not their day, so stand your ground.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I agree with this! It's clear you've tried to assert yourself and it isn't working. Your FH needs to shut this down ASAP. If you want to wear the ONE outfit you've chosen and your parents have paid for, then I would NOT change. MIL can talk and nag till she's blue in the face, you do not need to do something you do not want to do. BUT, your husband needs to make it clear to her she is being completely inappropriate and HE will not allow her to do that to you. He needs to tell her to stop and then make it stick. Good luck! Smiley heart

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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I’d think your FS should be able to answer this for you. If they feel it’s important for you to do multiple outfit changes then I’d say it’s a discussion that does need to be had. However, if they do not feel it’s important then they need to step in with FMIL and let her know that this discussion is over and the decision has been made.
    I’m curious what kind of outfit changes is she wanting? And what are you planning to wear? (It doesn’t matter I’m just curious).
    • Reply
  • Jayne
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jayne ·
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    You absolutely are doing the right thing! This is your choice and you have every right to make it. You are honoring your mom and dad by wearing their gift and you could easily make a case that it would be disrespectful to set that gift aside.

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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    1. Stop telling her things about the wedding.

    2. "We've discussed this. No."

    3. Remember that "No" is a full sentence.

    4. GET YOUR FH IN THERE. It's 100% his job to manage his family and if they aren't respecting your decisions, he needs to draw that boundary.

    5. If they've given you money for the outfit, give it back. Then they can't insist.

    6. WHY does the MOG need so many outfit changes? You said it's not cultural, so that seems to be begging for attention to me. ...Though, uh, no one is really going to notice the MOG all that much, sorry.

    7. About those boundaries - set them now. She doesn't seem to care, and she'll be all up in your business for the rest of your lives if you don't enforce them.

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  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
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    This is very strange. While in my culture the bride generally changes at least twice sometimes 5 times, it is optional. I suspect, that your in laws are upset because if the bride doesn't change then they are going to look like jerks for wearing so many outfits i.e. trying to upstage the bride.
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  • Erin
    Expert May 2021
    Erin ·
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    What culture is this!? i have never heard of them HAVING TO CHANGE .... i understand it's a bride's choice if she wants a different dress for 1 ceremony, 2 for reception, and 3 for send off if she is going to airport right away.... but just to have a culture thing?? i am curious which culture this is.

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  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Again as previously stated, not a requirement, but a tradition. I am Chinese. We wear a traditional dress for the Tea Ceremony then usually charge into a modern wedding dress for the reception. Some brides change several times. I will only wear one dress.
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  • Katy
    Dedicated November 2020
    Katy ·
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    OP I am someone who doesn't like to ruffle feathers and tries to people please. However, I have learned over time that this only hurts me and honestly doesn't help relationships. If this is not something that is specifically culturally expected of you as you are marrying into his family, I would politely let your FMIL know that you are grateful that she wants to include you, but that you respectfully decline to change outfits during your reception. I never stood up to my ex-MIL when I needed to and I paid the price. It is much easier to speak your mind in the kindest way and and set the tone for your relationship moving forward. Should she choose to continue to treat you in this way, it is her problem, not yours. Best of luck!

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