mil not coming to my bridal shower

The shower your mom is throwing you is in RI?
You FMIL lives in Baltimore?
It looks like that’s an almost 6hr trip. I wouldn’t not expect people to travel that far for a shower. Let that shower be for family and friends that live there and let your mother in law throw one for family in Baltimore.
To me it doesn’t seem like something to make an issue out of. Having a second shower does not make the one you mom is planning less special.
If they already know the date of the one in RI then if they want to go im sure they’re already making plans to attend and this new party won’t affect that.

I think it's odd that any of this is being discussed in February of 2019 when your wedding isn't until May 2020, but I digress. If you feel so disrespected by your FMIL trying to host a shower for you, tell her that you appreciate the offer, but will need to politely decline.

View Quoted Comment

I understand - my issue is more that nobody but my FMIL lives in Baltimore, either, so travel would be required for anyone but her in that one, too! Which is why I feel that my own mom's toes are being stepped on - because guests would need to pick, when one is already mostly paid for. What are your thoughts on that?

I think you are very unfairly putting your mother's feelings over MIL and the groom's family. There is a long tradition of the groom's family , led by MIL to have a separate shower to welcome the bride to the family. And the bride travels to it. If your family were so traditional your mother would be prohibited from giving your shower. For decades it was an absolute etiquette no-no, because Mom's directing things often led to serious problems, because she would want too much for her daughter, insisting others spend too much, having too many guests feel pressured to come, to increase the gift count. Now that most brides live on their own and have jobs for years before marrying, there is less of a prohibition on it. But your mom needs to understand, she is not more important. Some brides have 2 or 3 showers, either in different areas, so few have to travel more than a few hours. Or different groups gather together: Friends of bride in her general age group, and people she has known who are not parents friends, a bride's side shower, with friends from younger years going to either friend's or family, and groom side shower. . Showers are rarely planned anywhere near this far in advance. They are a distinctly lesser party of the wedding. Because your mom has starts planning at least 14 months before the wedding, when most do this lesser party planning 4-6 months in advance, she is / you are shutting out any other people who might have wanted to talk about other showers, which in this case is extremely unfair to all of groom's family, most especially MIL. Think again. You may think that both extended families should meet and get together, before the wedding. And that as long as they must travel, they would be as happy to go to your mom's house. But in fact, quite often one family could care less about meeting the other at a shower. They may get to know each other during the course of the marriage, or may not. And you and your mom are shutting out the possibility that groom's family and women who are old family friends may be happy to drive 3--4 hours to see her and other family, visiting with each other before the shower or after. But they may not want to travel to your mom's even two hours, because they have no interest in hanging out with bride's family and her friends , almost all unknown to them. Travel 4-6 or more hours round trip to his mom, then a visit, fine, but your mom in Ma., decline, not interested. I think you need to be fair, and consider the tradition of groom side separate shower, as a possibility. Not think only of your mom, who is not being very gracious about this. Reminds me of why many people still think bride's mom is too personally invests to throw a shower for her daughter, unless doing it as part of a group, like with friends of yours or BP, to keep her within boundaries of etiquette. This is not just your wedding. It is groom's too. And his family is also important. One side hogging it all , may mot sit well with your wedding party or friends. And not with groom side either. Not saying, your mom cannot have a shower. But if others express a wish to do a shower also, she needs to play nice with others and agreeably split the list.

Its your wedding and your FMIL should respect your decision! Your mom throwing you a shower is special and it's her choice not to attend. I understand she may want to be a part of the planning or the process, but then she should make other arrangements for her trip! Don't feel bad about your decision and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And of course I agree when people say it's the groom's wedding too.. BUT most men don't care too much for the bridal shower since they aren't included too much in it! Bridal shower is about the BRIDE!

I don’t understand your FMIL thought process, you would think that she would make more of an effort to join the two families as oppose to seperate them. My FH isn’t going to the shower, my FMIL provided my MOH dates that she will be on vacation & we will plan accordingly.

Oh wow. Consider this an opportunity to set good boundaries with FMIL now. Politely decline her party. Otherwise, prepare for this to repeat at other major life events.

People shouldn't be invited to two showers, so I'd just tell her for that purpose you only want one. She had plenty of heads up for the date of the one your mom is throwing so she could plan her trip for another weekend. The shower isn't about her, and she is making it that way.

I would think that your fiances family would rather attend MIL's shower if given the choice and I think that makes total sense. Why couldn't you just have a shower for your side of the fam and friends that your mom is hosting and let your FMIL host her own family. Regardless of what you decide to do I think you're being totally unfair to your FMIL and overreacting with this post. It's possible to compromise.

Remind her you already have a party planned and while you appreciate her gesture, one is more than enough and that everyone will have to travel enough for the wedding.