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Just Said Yes October 2021

mil Problems - Need Advice

Kristi, on February 11, 2021 at 11:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
Hi everyone,


So been having some problems lately with my MIL and not really sure how to handle it. First off let me say that my fiance and his mother do not have a good relationship. She is always blaming him for everything that goes wrong and fails to appreciate all that he does for her.
Sadly, we currently live in her house because we do not have enough money to save for a wedding and pay a mortgage. The other day, my fiance and his mother had a huge fight and after he expressed to me that he really doesn't her to participate in the wedding. He said that she is aloud to be there as a guest but doesn't want her in the ceremony or a mother/son dance.
I respect my fiance decision but the problem comes from the day after their fight my MIL left a check in our mailbox for the rest of the money she said she was gonna give to help with the wedding. I do not know what to do with it. Should I still use her money if she isn't a part of the wedding? Should I return the check and tell her I can't take it? Like I previously said we are struggling to save for a house and wedding so I was really counting on that money for helping. Please help I could use some advice.

14 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on February 12, 2021 at 1:47 PM
  • A
    Devoted May 2021
    Ally ·
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    This should really stay between your FH and his mother. Ask him what he thinks you should do with the money, but it is kind of rude to exclude her from the wedding and take her money, especially if she is also letting you stay in her house.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    No. Give her the check back. You two shouldn't have moved in with her if he had a bad relationship
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  • M
    Super June 2021
    Melanie ·
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    I think this is on your fiance, not you. To me, accepting her money and then telling her she can't be a part of the wedding is wrong. He needs to have a conversation with her and go from there. Honestly, she might even take the money back after hearing he doesn't want her in the wedding. If you want to keep the money, he needs to suck it up and allow her to be a part of the weekend. You don't need to get involved at all
    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated November 2021
    Claudia ·
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    This needs to fall on your FH, not you. I wouldn't take the money if you're excluding her though.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with everyone else that if she isn't going to be a part of the wedding then you shouldn't take her money. I know this is between your fiance and his mom and they don't have the best relationship, but it seems like he excluded her from the wedding right after the fight. It sounds to me like he is just mad and needs time to cool off. He could be just saying that out of anger.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Between him and her. But giving you the check might be a peace offering on her part. It is hard for her to apologise or change. It is for most of us. But she does want to see you two get what you want. Living in her house may help you get years ahead in house money savings. But every day she has 2 extra adults in her house, and don't think that is not tough. ( I know. For the pandemic we moved 2 older single relatives into our house, plus one who has had an in law apt with us for years. It is hard having other adults take over your home.) While she undoubtedly enjoys your company sometimes, she would love to have her own place, top to bottom, wall to wall. So consider not throwing you out, and still advancing wedding money, to be an awfully big gesture of support, when working things out. Don't reject it in a " you cannot buy what you want" way, not after all the time you have been living at her house. Taking money indirectly. For what will please and benefit you at home buying time. However angry he is now, she has had a teenager or two extra on her territory a long time, and he cannot set terms so hostile. I don't know where you live, but she is helping you to the tune of $15-$30,000 a year, so you can then get a house, have a wedding. And if she wanted an extra couple in her house, she could collect from them. She is shelling out and you are taking. And things cannot be equal as long as that is true. So maybe FI needs to work out the issues with that in mind. Get past this fight. Which means him being conciliatory. Her silent offer of the check is pretty generous.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
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    I agree with others in that this should be between your fiance and his mother. Also, if he feels that strongly that she should not be in the wedding, you 2 should move out ASAP. Staying in her home so you could more easily save for your financial goals is the same as taking a check. It really isn't fair to her to take advantage of her opening her home to you and then excluding her from being in thr wedding. I know it is very difficult to save for a home, especially in a high cost of living area while paying rent, but people do it all the time. Also, chances are, their relationship may improve if they are not always under the same roof.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Agree with the others- this is a discussion that’s between you & your fiancé.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I also agree with both Hannah and Judith. You guys may view her in bad lighting, but if you step back and see all the things she has done for you guys that I'm guessing other family members haven't, like offering a place to live and giving you guys money for the wedding, you'll realize she isn't the enemy here. I'm not saying you are saying she is, I'm just saying try and point this out to your fiance. Having two grown adults living in your home heck having anyone live with you isn't always the easiest.
    I know how it is, we live with his parents as well to save for a house and his parents are also helping us pay for the wedding. Him and his mom get into their argument and I always remind him of what his parents are doing for us. When he thinks the worst of them I remind him how nobody else offered up their home to us or offered to help pay for the wedding, I remind him that this is only temporary and when we have our house and be married it will all be worth it. I know you aren't asking for advice on the living situation. Just trying to give the best advice from someone living with their in laws to another person living with their in laws. I know it isn't easy for both you guys and his mom.
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  • Jessica
    Devoted February 2021
    Jessica ·
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    There are plenty of weddings that do not include a mother son dance or formal procession of the mother down the aisle. We ourselves are avoiding that altogether. If you reject her check that’s more than rejecting her money it’s also rejecting her as his mother. For the sake of making peace try to compromise with them both take her check and take him aside and say I respect how you feel about what’s going on however not including your mother in certain aspects would crush her feelings and make it very awkward for our wedding. For the sake of everyone involved making nice is always the best thing to do I’m sure in time his frustration with the situation will resolve itself.
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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    As others have stated, this is an issue for you and your fiancé to figure out together. And then your fiancé should be the one to confront his mother about it.

    If this was my situation, I would give her the money back and say thank you, but you won't be needing it. Money comes with strings attached. She will expect certain things, and when you tell her no, she will hang that money over your heads. If you can't afford a wedding without it, then you need to scale down your wedding plans or postpone until you can afford it.

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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I would return the check and work towards getting in a new place quickly, even if it requires saving for the wedding for longer.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I agree with everyone else that this relationship needs to be managed by your fiancé. I would do your best to stay out of it and just keep things superficially polite between you and her.

    It's a HUGE added complication to wedding planning that you are living in her house. Even solid family relationships can disintegrate in close quarters and it sounds like your fiancé and his mom weren't close before this.

    I personally would prioritize moving out, no matter how that affected the wedding timeline. You may find that things get easier between him and and his mom once you two are independent. Or maybe not. But at least things will be simpler then!

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  • K
    Dedicated August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Why does his mother have to be in the wedding? Usually mothers aren’t necessarily a part of the wedding. I am not having my fmil in any part of it. She is a guest and that’s all. I know some people have the mothers walked down the aisle but why do you have to do that? I’m not even going to mention any of that to mine because I just don’t want her in the actual wedding. Can you go that route?
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