mil threatened to not attend the wedding (what to do with my in laws)

Here's possibly where things broke down. "I explained regardless of whose paying, this is our event, and ultimately we make the final decisions, not them."--this is not actually correct for many people.

If his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner, then unfortunately they get to call the shots. For some families, money comes with strings attached, which sounds like the case here.

If you truly want to determine everything at the rehearsal dinner, then I would decline their money and do what you want with it.

Sounds like now though you're all beyond that stage. At this point I would have FI deal with his parents solely (obviously with you on the same page). If they threaten not to come, he could just respond with a simple "oh that's too bad, you'll be missed". Leave it there and don't escalate the issue.

Sounds like it's time for an "information diet" for his family. Also bear in mind that this behaviour needs a coordinated and united response from you two, because my guess is this is not going to be the last of this type of thing.

I agree with Jacks and would also add that a potential point of confusion might have been when you asked FH if his parents would be involved in the planning and he said no (after they’d already volunteered to pay). Did he actually ask them, or was he assuming or preferring that they not be involved? That “no” might not have been coming from them. Regardless, it is only fair if they are paying that they have some input so they know where their money is going if that is their desire. Even without strings attached, this stuff usually isn’t just a blank check, we’ll pay whatever the final amount ends up being. At this late stage, I would see if there’s anything left to select (menu, decor, bar, etc) and compromise by putting FMIL in charge of that. Or return their money and pay for the rehearsal dinner yourselves so you have complete control or your event.

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Hi there! We did decline their money (my FH gave it back to them). His parents then ensued saying they were insulted he would return the money because it's not about money. (Then what is it about?" I asked.) Clearly they are on a power trip, and I feel like his mother saying this is just a vacuum to control her son. She ignores him for weeks at a time, yet when she wants a reaction out of him, she's up his you know what.

Luckily, he's on the same page in that we need to be united. He has talked to his parents letting them know it's our joint decision. I think he's finally opening his eyes to how manipulative they (especially his mother) can be.

It just really upsets me because I did not foresee any of this happening. They seemed like such a nice family, and then one day, all hell broke loose. I have to come to terms this has probably been happening for quite a while behind the scenes.

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Hey there! Thank you for the response. Due to the nature of my FH and his parents' relationship, it was never clearly spoken that his parents wanted to be involved like that. They also never expressed it to me either. My FH even told his parents that, and then blamed the lack of communication on him. Yet, it's okay when his mom ignores him for weeks at time. I stood up and told them, the blame doesn't just fall on their son. If they wanted to decorate or plan, then why didn't they tell us months in advance?

They also have never been in the contact with the venue - it's all been under my name. If they wanted to plan, why didn't they assume all responsibility? These are just questions I've had for my fiancé, and he's agreed.

In my eyes, if his mom has time to plan for big holidays coming up (which she already brought things for), she knows she needs months to plan for a rehearsal dinner. This isn't her first rodeo either considering his other sibling is married.

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Sounds like you're handling it the best way you can. I would add that you don't need to allow them to emotionally threaten you with not attending the wedding, because that will be the way they "win" in the future. Call the bluff with the "oh ok you'll be missed" line.

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Thank you! I'm trying to handle it without fueling the adult tantrums. As of now, she's back on to come. I have kept quiet, and haven't confronted his parents about the threat explicitly. I'm not sure if they know that I know, but I'm sure they have some inkling. I figured if the FMIL brings it again, I will say something along the lines of "We heard you are not attending our wedding. It would mean a lot to your son and I for you to be there, but you are free to make your own decisions." This way the responsibility lies in her court.

View Quoted Comment That’s a good response. We’re having this problem in the opposite direction (fiancé’s daughter keeps threatening not to come to the wedding whenever she gets mad at him), and I agree that just accepting that response is the way to go. I think people try to use that manipulation tactic because they think it’s the quick route to getting their way, so not validating that with a reaction is a great way of handling it. And then if they actually follow through with their threat, remember that they’re the ones missing out and will have to deal with that regret in the future.

I think the problem here is that all communication about this rehearsal dinner broke down early on. A rehearsal dinner does not normally require weeks and weeks of planning so maybe FMIL assumed it would be fine to handle most of the details last minute, while you assumed that you could go ahead and do your own thing. It sounds as if FI never even had a real conversation about this. As you say, it's traditional for parents of the groom to host the rehearsal dinner. I know that would have been my default assumption in your place. Apparently, they assumed as well.

The way they handled things and the threats were very much not OK, but it was also not OK for FI to tell you to plow ahead without ever having run it by them. In my experience three weeks is usually plenty of time to pull the details together for an event like this. It's not a wedding. I would have personally apologized for the confusion and turned it all over to the future in laws before things became confrontational.

I'm not sure what any of this has to do with not liking your family. Bottom line, IMO everyone screwed up here.

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I agree and I'm sorry you are going through that too! I think sometimes people think if you threaten them, they'll get what they want. In either case, we have to stand our ground!

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Yeah I see your point! However, I think if they were assuming all responsibility, they should have contacted the venue entirely from the beginning, not me. My FH & I been the one dealing with the venue's rehearsal coordinator, menu choices, deadlines, etc.

But ultimately, I think my story is less about the decorating of the rehearsal dinner, and more about how his parents "asked" by threatening us. We did have a conversation over the phone about what my FH and I expected regarding decorating after this was brought to my attention. His parents made it all about them. In my eyes, whether they are paying for it or not, they don't call the shots and they definitely don't get to make threats. For ex., My parents are paying for some of the wedding, and they don't interfere with my fiance's and I's decision-making. I expect equally from his parents.

My FH returned the money for the rehearsal dinner due to this. and they also had a problem with that and said it was insulting. It just looks like they are finding a reason to argue about everything at this point.

View Quoted Comment From everything you’ve said, it sounds like this entire situation is a matter of miscommunication and misunderstood expectations. It sounds like your future in-laws expected to host the rehearsal dinner, which traditionally means they pay for it, choose decorations, venue, menu, etc. It sounds like this is what your mother-in-law expected. And it sounds as though you expected them to just hand over the money and let you do whatever you wanted with it. I think if there had been more communication, this misunderstanding wouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t sound like your FMIL is trying to make it about her, but more like she is feeling hurt and pushed out of the process, and lashed out when she wasn’t being heard/understood. TBH, it sounds like your fiancé is mostly at fault here for not communicating properly with his parents about their involvement in the rehearsal dinner. And while giving back the funds was not intended this way, I think your future in-laws saw it as a passive aggressive slap in the face. I think if you and FH were to apologize to the in-laws for the miscommunication, it would go a long way in repairing this rift.

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I mentioned this in previous replies - my in laws never were involved with the venue, I was given the responsibility. Therefore, in my eyes, they didn’t want to plan anything and if they did, they should have taken responsibility, not me. Why should the burden of planning with the venue land on me if they wanted to be in charge? It doesn't make sense. I feel like his mother specifically wanted to throw a tantrum since my FH and I had included her in everything thus far (the bridal shower, wedding venue shopping, my bachlorette etc). Then, she threw a major tantrum at my bridal shower, and disrespected my family and I. After that, I decided I would not go out of my way to make plans with her or tell her what I was doing with my wedding planning. She never texts me (she claims she's hates texting, but has no problem showing me texts between her and my FH's brother in law) and to be honest, we really have no relationship at this point despite my efforts to make one.

My guess is this infuriated her, but at the end of the day, she choose to not include herself by her behavior and actions. I don’t know what she wants and needless to say, her wants shouldn’t be the focus of my rehearsal or wedding.

View Quoted Comment There’s obviously a back story here with her behavior at the shower and disrespect of your family but the consequence is you made a lot of assumptions that turned out not to be true. Just because you may have picked and booked the venue still does not mean she expected to give up anything and everything to do with the party.


As long as the intention is clear it’s common to give a lump sum gift to go toward a wedding reception. It’s a lot less common to see that arrangement in whole or in part with a rehearsal dinner.
I agree that failure to communicate, both with her and with you, is mostly on FI since you were no longer engaging with his mother.

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I don't think I made any assumptions considering they knew I was in contact with the venue. Even when dealing with the payment earlier on (done late last year), I had to arrange it with the venue and them. My fiancé asked his parents to handle the invite list for their side as well, and the deadline is Aug 9th for the headcount. They still haven't given us any names to invite people. I just feel like they came in expecting us to allow them to pick and choose what they want to be involved in (which at this point is only decorating, when I brought décor) by threatening my fiancé and I. I believe they should have taken full ownership of it from the beginning, but instead the burden of planning has landed on me.

And to add, his mother ignored him for about a month because he didn't agree with her behavior at my shower. So really, the lack of communication falls on her and her husband for allowing her to act like that.

I just think so much of the drama would have been alleviated here if one of the adults involved had started a group text/email or set up a lunch and then you guys could have said said ok, we need to start working on the rehearsal dinner, thank you for your generosity in covering this, how much involvement would you like in the planning? At that point, if they had said they’re paying and they get all control and that wasn’t ok with you, that would have been the point to speak up and decline their generosity. Instead both “sides” assumed the other side would reach out sooner than this, and now it’s a mess with hurt feelings.

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After the shower and silent treatment, I would have told fiancé's Mom and Dad that you both were taking over the rehearsal. To be petty, I would cancel the rehearsal entirely. From now on, I advise you both to not initiate any conversations, including asking their guest list. If you're wedding is September, your invites should have gone out at 6-8 wks ahead anyway. If in-law's continue their tantrum, just say the good ol' line, "okay, you will be missed".

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We did speak with his parents yesterday regarding the rehearsal dinner. I'm still hurt because they stated my parents are not allowed to help set up décor at the rehearsal. His parents want to purposefully exclude my parents for whatever reason (I believe his mom is just jealous of my mom). In the moment, I caved and said yes, but I immediately regret the decision. I feel like his parents are using my family as scapegoats since the relationship with their son is on the rocks. So really, it's more than just "décor", it's a blatantly obvious dislike for my side.

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I agree - yesterday my FH and I spoke with his parents. I caved and agreed to them decorating with whatever decor WE picked out. However, I still have a sour taste in my mouth from the fact that my in-laws are purposefully excluding my parents from helping decorate. This pisses me off because my mom included his mom/parents in every activity. Now his mom gets to dictate what can and cannot happen, which is unfair. She shouldn't even call the shots. I feel like going forward, I need to act different since it's blatantly obvious they dislike my family. Walking away from the conversation, I still don't feel good about my decision. It's a lose-lose scenario imo.

My wedding is actually this month - but out of fear they would see this for some reason, I created an account with different dates / names.

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These people sound desperate. Let them take this win because in the future you know better how to handle them. Do you think you got your desire to people-please from your parents? Many couples don't include anyone in their wedding planning decisions much less both sides. Here's what you can do that is fair for all parties (without tipping off the drama to others). At the rehearsal dinner, toast both parents. A simple thank you to his parents for throwing the rehearsal party, and then a more extensive thank you to your parents for being gracious supporters, etc. Best wishes on your final days! Try not to stress as it will show on your face.

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Thank you for validating my experience - to be honest, I feel like they want me to think I'm the crazy one! I really did it for my fiancé, so he can have peace of mind that his parents will be there on his big day. I expressed to him that I will no longer tolerate this behavior or allow it. And to top it off, I'll never have to plan anything like this with his family ever again!

I think that is a great suggestion as well because I feel like they want to diminish my family's part in our big day. My mom has helped a lot with getting things together and helping me when I'm stressed, but she has never forced her way in or made a tantrum like my MIL. We had an agreement that in the end, it's up to my fiancé and I about what is what. She's been very valuable in all this. I think his mom just can't handle sharing and is super insecure about herself and her not-so-great relationship with my fiancé. But, I can't let her ruin our big day and I won't allow her to.