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Savvy May 2022

mil Troubles

Maya, on October 17, 2021 at 8:37 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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So this is primarily a venting post although I am definitely open to all advice. So I am not wearing a white dress to my wedding. I have been thinking a navy dress for awhile now, but I wasn't sure, needed to find the dress. Anyway, my future MIL keeps asking what the wedding colors are so she can start dress shopping (she asks like every two weeks). When I told her we were leaning towards navy and berry with my fiance and I both wearing navy, she said let her know when I decide for sure so that she could also get a navy dress. So that she looks like part of the family. This was really surprising and upsetting to me. It took me awhile to figure out why. I'm not telling people they can't wear navy, I don't really care if others wear navy, so it took me awhile to figure it out. But I finally realized, I'm bothered because why does she WANT to match the bride. What kind of person makes it their goal to match the bride? Me and my fiance will wear the same color and she wants to also so she can match us! It's her intention that irritates me. It feels so weird and disrespectful. She definitely has boundary issues, so maybe I should not have been surprised. But I am just struggling with this. She is super sensitive, whenever I disagree with her about anything, it doesn't matter how I say it, she is all hurt and accuses me of being disrespectful and trying to exclude her from the family. So I don't feel like I can tell her not to wear the navy. I feel irritated and stuck! Rant over.

8 Comments

Latest activity by Maya, on October 17, 2021 at 10:03 PM
  • Katelyn
    Dedicated October 2021
    Katelyn ·
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    I would be upset too, I totally get where you’re coming from. I understand that she wants to match the wedding colors, but she should’ve picked “berry”. I would try to tell her that baby is special for you & FH.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I would put both mothers in the same color whether that be berry or whatever accent color you choose, or even just a coordinating color. That way she can’t complain (cuz it’s the mothers’ color) and since both moms will be in that color, it will be obvious she is “part of the family”. I would even tell her that you’d love to have a girl’s day and go shopping for her dress with her so you can make sure she doesn’t go rogue and get a navy dress!
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  • Jasmine S.
    VIP May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
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    I understand your being upset. As a bride you should get to have your color, whether it's white or not. A lot of people here say that the parents can wear whatever they want, but I think deliberately matching the bride is an exception. You have a few options here. You could ask both moms to wear berry (have your mom buy a dress first to set an example for your MIL). Even if she does wear navy, you could pick a gown for yourself with glitter, a giant train, an epic navy veil, or any details that scream "bride" to distinguish your dress from your MIL. I recommend not showing her your final choice of gown.


    Also be aware that if you want to request NONE of your guests wear navy, that will be a difficult ask since it's such a common color.
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  • M
    Savvy May 2022
    Maya ·
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    Thanks Jasmine, seems like the consensus is that I should try and convince her to wear berry. I don't actually care if anyone wears navy. I thought about that for about one second and then I realized I do not care enough for what a headache that would be. If she had shown up in navy just because I hadn't told her the color and it was an accident, I wouldn't care. I'm just floored by the fact that she wants to match the bride.

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  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
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    Your MIL asked what your wedding colors are. Reasonable question as most MOBs and MOGs like to participate in the color scheme. Most people assume bride is wearing white. Did you specifically tell her YOU are wearing Navy and prefer her in a different shade of blue or berry. You also said you don't care if other people wear navy, so how do you tell her only she isn't allowed to wear navy?
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  • M
    Savvy May 2022
    Maya ·
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    She knows I am not wearing white, I have been VERY explicit about it. And I have more specifically said, I will probably wear navy. At which point she immediately said she would find a navy dress so she could match. So she is making a very conscious decision to match me. I'm not actually all that likely to tell her she can't wear navy as I can't see the conversation going well. It took me awhile to figure out, but its not about the actual matching, it is about her active decision that she should match the bride. It feels disrespectful. It probably for me ties in to her poor boundaries in general that she has demonstrated throughout our relationship. It would also feel different if she had said "I found the most gorgeous navy dress that I look great in, do you mind if I match the bride at the wedding?" But she didn't. She specifically decided she wanted to match the bride. I'm not at all a high maintenance bride, this woman just gets under my skin.

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  • M
    Savvy May 2022
    Maya ·
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    Thanks for the advice.

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  • M
    Savvy May 2022
    Maya ·
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    Both good ideas! I don't really want to go dress shopping with her though. Smiley atonished

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