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Just Said Yes June 2019

mil wants to join honeymoon

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Heather, on April 3, 2019 at 4:42 PM

Okay guys. I’ve about had it with my FMIL. My fiancé & I are getting married in 2 months. By that time I will be 6 months pregnant. I already don’t get along with her due to her controlling behaviors, constantly guilting me and my FH and she’s all around toxic. My FH let her know our wedding date last week and she was pissed we were getting married before the baby is due. A little backstory; we got engaged on Christmas Eve, did the thing, got pregnant and found out 3 weeks later. We already planned on getting married, but decided it was best to be married before the baby so we could have a honeymoon and only focus on our child once they arrive. I thought it was kind of ridiculous she was mad, considering it’s really none of her place to decide when we get married. Anyway, as the convo was starting to end, she asked my FH what we planned on doing for the honeymoon. He mentioned we’re looking to go to Florida and enjoy a week or so alone in the sun. She brought up how her birthday is June 18th, and that she was wanting to do a birthday bash this year and go on a vacation for her birthday. She asked to COMBINE our honeymoon and her birthday! I almost started laughing because I thought she was joking, but realized she was serious! She started mentioning all these places she wanted to go and how it would be nice for her and her husband to have some vacation time alone because they didn’t get to when they got married because they had my FH little sister. Uhhh.... too bad!!! Anyway, my FH ended the call after telling her he would think on it. He immediately told me that was absolutely not happening. They aren’t really close as it is, but I am shocked! What can my FH say to her? We need to tell her no and set boundaries. I just can’t believe she suggested having us take care of their young daughter, on OUR honeymoon!!

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71 Comments

Expert June 2019
Cynthia · on April 3, 2019 at 7:25 PM
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Be honest. She needs to stop making it about her. Tell her no that's not happening. She doesn't need a reason why it's not going to happen.. that is ridiculous!
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Super February 2020
Alyrae · on April 3, 2019 at 7:34 PM
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Put your foot down and stand your ground .... dont let her push u into what she wants .... it seems like u and your fh both agree on what you want ..... now all u have to do is inforce it. Good luck
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Master May 2020
Tara · on April 3, 2019 at 7:37 PM
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Heck’s no! You two better set boundaries. I imagine it will only get worse once the baby comes.
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VIP October 2018
Melissa · on April 4, 2019 at 10:04 AM
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"No, you cannot join our honeymoon."
That's it. And share no further details - lie and say "well we don't have that piece planned yet" if you have to. Sheesh! She sounds exhausting. You can celebrate her birthday later - you only get one honeymoon. Be firm. Set those boundaries! Drama or not, you gotta do it!
Good luck and congrats!
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Just Said Yes August 2019
Grey · on April 4, 2019 at 10:09 AM
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In situations where there is conflict/blurred lines between you and the FMIL, your fiancé needs to stand by you firmly and stick up for his new family. Saying no to her really isn’t enough, he needs to put his foot down and let her know that his new family is his priority and either she can accept that or she can deal with seeing her son less. As a very non-confrontational person I know this sounds harsh, but unfortunately it’s the only way. Taking a soft approach means dealing with her overstepping your marriage and child raising everyday from here on out, which will create issues in your marriage.
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Savvy April 2020
Catherine · on April 4, 2019 at 10:21 AM
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I absolutely would not have this.... your honeymoon is supposed to be a time just for the two of you, and you're right to do it before you have your baby and everything starts revolving around her/him. I would ask the FH to step up and tell her to take her own trip some other time.
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VIP August 2019
Tamara · on April 4, 2019 at 10:29 AM
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Wowsers! She sounds like a handful. So sorry that you have to deal with that in the middle of planning for the best day of your life. Your FH just needs to be upfront with her and let her know that it is your honeymoon and that she cannot come. She may be upset, but he has to know and be ok with that. The most important thing is that she is not in attendance on your honeymoon....she will get over it.
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Super May 2019
Mrs. C · on April 4, 2019 at 10:35 AM
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My FMIL asked us if she paid for our cruise that FH's whole family could go with us. And I am talking her, his dad, his brother, and the grandparents. She said that in front of me and I looked her dead in the face and said "No, we want to be by ourselves away from anyone we know on our honeymoon. This will be our first real vacation together ALONE and we want to BE ALONE." I could tell she didn't get it and she got mad and said "Ok so you are willing to give up a FREE vacation for the opportunity for you all to be alone?" And FH and I were like ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!! I don't understand why people just don't get it?! It's like yall were newlyweds once? Don't you understand what that is LIKE?! Sorry you are dealing with this! I hope you all can get it worked out and she understands!
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Super October 2019
Kellie Martinez · on April 4, 2019 at 12:11 PM
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I read the title and thought "there is NO way" then after reading the rest I am in shock lol. Neither of our parents would ever suggest this, thank God, but if they did I would be be really straightforward with them about it. "We are really excited to have this time to celebrate our marriage alone together and won't be inviting any friends or family along with us as we want this to be an intimate experience. Maybe we can plan a trip with you later in the year, but I don't feel comfortable making any changes to the plans I have already made."
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Super April 2020
Maggie · on April 4, 2019 at 12:25 PM
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He can say no with the reasons of 1. She should celebrate her birthday with the honeymoon she didn’t get to have and 2. She’s still upset she didn’t get the honeymoon she wanted, why would she want to interfere with your honeymoon? Explain that this is YOUR time and maybe another year you can go on a full family vacation
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VIP June 2019
Future Mrs. K · on April 4, 2019 at 1:30 PM
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THIS. My FH used to be so guilty of saying stuff like "I'll think about it" or "I'll let you know" and I had to explain to him that this literally is just enabling the negative behavior. He needs to be firm and straight up with her, tell her no. From experience, I really suggest you talk to FH about this and explain why he needs to be more direct with her when setting boundaries or else this will only continue to get worse in the future, especially with your own child.
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VIP May 2019
Soon2Bmrsp · on April 4, 2019 at 1:52 PM
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I thought it was just ME. My FMIL called my FH last night and started talking about her her birthday is in June (our wedding is in May) and how she wants a big birthday party and who was going to plan it, etc. I just sat there looking at him, like are you kidding me...Ok fine it's after our wedding can she wait. He said no, she wants a HUGE party and no one in the family will have the money but us, I said no you need to go by what you have, I dont have any money towards a party because my son's birthday is the day before hers..so I'm sorry NO..so he told her to wait 2years for a monumental birthday and we think of doing something then. SO then she said we should do a cruise for her birthday this year. I just looked at him.

With that said, I think that these people just want the attention on them and havent realized that this day is about us. I"m not even going all out and making it about me truthfully but geez.

I would tell them again that you are looking forward to time alone before the baby comes and sorry no, it will just be the two of you...
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Super September 2020
Amber · on April 4, 2019 at 1:57 PM
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Absoutley F not!!!!!

Obviously, she needs to let your FH off the boob already😉😂

If your FH doesn't want to tell her No then you do it! Its your honeymoon not honeymoon with your husband and his Mommy🙅👌
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Devoted August 2021
· on April 4, 2019 at 1:57 PM
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That’s wrong on so many levels. I would switch the destination to a completely different place just because! Good luck, and don’t feel wrong about firmly saying no.
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Master April 2023
Victorian Bride · on April 4, 2019 at 2:01 PM
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Oh honey!! What a nightmare!! I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please make sure she has no idea where you are going and you two have a wonderful honeymoon!! The NERVE!!
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Dedicated November 2019
Halea · on April 4, 2019 at 2:02 PM
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I dont have any advice.... I have the same kind of fmil and my fh put his foot down. And now im "keeping him away from her". If you find something that works and that doeant make her crazy let me know. I could use the help. 😂😂
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 4, 2019 at 2:18 PM
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It is totally inappropriate for parents to insist on sharing any part of a honeymoon with the newlywed couple. And FH needs to act as though that is common knowledge everyone not a child should know, and each and every time it comes up, NOT just go round the subject, but say straight out: the honeymoon is a time for the couple to get away from family and friends, and focus exclusively on each other. And also say, if she " happens" to pick the same city, or even county, to vacation in, you will change your honeymoon plans and go somewhere else. In other words, no plans to be together, and if MIL does something behind your back, you will not just accept it. This is a good time to point out that if she does not listen and respect your wishes now, she cannot expect to ever see her grandchildren until they are each at least 16. Because if she has no regard for what you say now, you cannot trust her later. Ever. . As for ONLY wanting you to marry after the child is born, that is downright bizarre. Since when is that her decision to make?
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Super September 2019
Courtney · on April 4, 2019 at 2:25 PM
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I think the best thing to say is “no”. This is your honeymoon, not a family vacation. I don’t think he needs to justify this or explain why not. A honeymoon is for the couple and should be what they want. It’s not an excuse to have birthday trip for his mom. You already know this is a deeper issue than just this trip so you have to be clear with you FH about what your boundaries should be and make sure he maintains them. He probably should have immediately said no one the phone and not have given the impression he’d “think about it”.
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Expert September 2019
Kat · on April 4, 2019 at 2:32 PM
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I am so sorry you're dealing with that. I would definitely have your FH tell her that is not an option. Your honeymoon is yours, if she wants to plan a trip that's all well and good but you will not be combining them. The honeymoon is a break for you two after the stress of wedding planning and before the stress (and insurmountable joy, of course!) of married life with a baby. That break is much needed!
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Expert February 2020
Hermione · on April 4, 2019 at 3:00 PM
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I too have a narcissistic mother with boundary issues. I had to cut mine out for my mental health (that has to be his decision about his mom though).

They are usually selfish people who see people as tools. A firm and direct no and maybe change your plans if you can. Do not tell her your plans. Maybe say you changed your mind and would like to surprise your fh with the honeymoon? Otherwise, expect her.

Therapy might be helpful for you and your fh to figure out the boundary issues and work on communication. Couple's therapy only works for healthy people with communication issues. It won't work for him and his mom...
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