Mil/dil Relationship

I am in a very similar situation to you with my FMIL. In the end, she seems to have some mental instability/narcissism in her life. But he grew up with her, and will always love her because she is his mom. You won't ever feel the same, you didn't grow up with her and don't have the same attachment. I guarantee if you push to end their relationship, it will be a problem in the long run in yours. He shouldn't have to choose between you or his mom, but you should always be put first 100% of the time. I think establishing boundaries is a healthy way to handle it. For us, she isn't allowed to stay with us ever (even when she decides she wants to quit her job and have no money even though she is totally able to work but just doesn't want to), & if she throws a tantrum (like she does often) I will ask her to leave and my fiance will back me because neither of us will tolerate that behavior in our home. Counseling can be very helpful with communication, and a great place for you to vent. Families are hard, and no one has a perfect family. Unfortunately for my fiance, his mother is severely bipolar and is untreated. The relationship is unhealthy and always will be, but in the end she will always be his mom. We have established boundaries and he has made it very clear I am his #1 priority as our family always will be, over her. We do stress a little more when we see her, hoping it all goes well, but if it doesn't we always come out on top and aren't affected by it. The boundaries are super important and needed for this kind of relationship. You'll need them more if you choose to grow your family, so they are great to implement now.

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I agree regarding boundaries and some have been put in place but I think a part of the issue is my Husband doesn't seem consistently aware of how MIL tries to sneak in, as it were. Also, I think he's not being consistent standing up to her because he doesn't seem to realize the moments when she's pushing our boundaries. Or maybe I'm not standing up to her enough. I've just been cast as the villain so many times that I don't want to speak up, have her get upset, and then have me be seen as the one causing issues.

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It's a blind spot, he will never fully see her negatives habits like you do. It takes years and years of therapy to get over growing up with someone like that, and rarely would I think you could still cut off your mom 100%. I think counseling can help with the consistency, and setting strict 100% no matter what boundaries. He needs to know how this is affecting you and realize you both need to come to a consensus that works for both of you. Obviously cutting her out won't work for him, but what you are doing now doesn't work for you. It really shouldn't be your responsibility to stand up to her (although she should never be allowed to talk all over you), it should be your fiances. I think you just have to tell him you want to handle this, but it's causing you a lot of stress and anxiety and you need to further handle it together.

Separate boundaries for you if necessary

i hate to say it but my mom and her mom (my maternal grandmother) are both pretty psycho needy

and can really be a**es to SO and myself and have on several occasions

i grew up with a crazy mom and I do not love it, I’m not proud of it, but I don’t want to cut her out of my life and SO knows and accepts that

when they pull serious crap he just has to take a break from them and even hearing about them (like when my grandmother stole the dog we gave his daughter for her 6th birthday.. because.. well I guess she’s crazy... but she says because it was scared of our other dog, but they loved each other and it was silly when they saw each other again during visits and then we couldn’t see her anymore because it caused her depression after... umm yeah... she’s really our dog who loves and misses us... but to her it was what she told herself... truth? Probably that this dog was super sweet and obedient and she had like 6 wild feral dogs she wanted to cuddle but had no concept how to raise a dog, or kid, or be a grandma so she did what suited her)



he needed a few years on that one



set some boundaries and only allow fake nice her (when you are tolerating her) and make sure husband on your side about your time

he can visit her when she’s in evil mode but you shouldn’t have to

but it I don’t think cutting her out is fair as he clearly doesn’t want that. Your husband wants her to act right and to have you both together.

It’s a good idea to have strict boundaries. Maybe your husband should spend time with his mom without you? Not recommending this, but one of my mom’s friends hasn’t spoken to her MIL in over 10 years bc they had a falling out. Whenever the MIL comes over to see the three kids, my mom’s friend leaves for a few hours. It may seem strange but it works for them!