mob paying all expenses

My FH and my parents went 50/50 on expenses and that's something they agreed since the beginning. However my dress came up to be around 6k alone (which my parents paid) so I asked FH to help with alterations. Maybe have your daughter bring up the issue with him? Or suggest what he could pay for? Or have a family meeting with him to discuss it?
His family has offered to help, with the big expenses but its hasn't come down to that yet, so far they've decided to gift us the cello and violin players for our ceremony which was great news for us (specially for me) they knew how much inlove with them I was when I saw the first time at the venue.
Idk I would say to bring it up with your daughter and have her talk to her FH.

View Quoted Comment Thanks we have done all of this several times and its concerning because now that we are in this times goes by and the groom and the family says " it's not our responsibility " we don't know what transpired between we want to help and it's not our responsibility its ALL in the bride and her family- I'm really trying to make this work if anything for my daughter but I don't see us struggling with yet another event and nothing from the groom and his family- I am not even sure if the answer is not to include him in these plans at this point

My FH and I are paying for the majority of the wedding. My FH parents offered the rehearsal dinner and open bar and my parents are only able to purchase my dress (alterations) and cake. Maybe you should stick to the budget and explain that for the things they want to splurge on they need to contribute, it may put into perspective things they really want and things they are getting caught up with on pinterest - which I initially did lol - then maybe talk to your daughter about the in laws. Its customary for the In-laws to pay for bar and rehearsal if you guys are all truly trying to be traditional but if they're not wanting to be traditional then nothing says you yous have to be 100% too. Best of luck!

View Quoted Comment Lol that's what this looks like we began with sure we will help but now its traditional our daughter is finishing her bachelor and working towards her masters FSIL is done with his bachelor but not in that field now so we know they need the help but you cant commit to something and then walk away

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I'm not saying you back out completely, I'm just saying if the cost is getting over what you were wanting to spend you discuss them paying some for the splurges as an option. It may prompt them to talk to his parents for assistance. Or you could reach out to his parents. My mom and FMIL shared phone numbers to plan the bridal shower and to coordinate their dresses but they now talk about other things too. I too just finished my Masters so I understand the cash flow for them as well I hope you guys all find a happy medium! Best of luck.

I think you need to talk to your daughter and be realistic with her about your financial limits and put it to her that the groom and his family will need to contribute.


It’s totally not fair to expect one side to pay all the expenses for a wedding. No way.
My fiancé and I are contributing to 1/4 of our wedding budget, his parents are putting in 1/4, and my parents are covering the remaining 1/2. My side has the majority of guests (80%) and in addition to covering some expenses ourselves, I made sure to communicate to his family that despite the majority of guests; the band, transport, clothes, photos etc are all expenses that we’d have regardless of guests.
You just need to be honest with them that you want to give them a beautiful wedding but that you can’t do it yourself!

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@ Dierdra this is precisely the problem first we was told they would help now that we have signed contracts they are now saying it's our responsibility

View Quoted Comment Exactly sometimes I think I just need to hear it from someone else- we already got stuck with the engagement party we was promise help we never received now we are like fool us once shame on you but fool me twice no shame on me

View Quoted Comment I don’t understand how in 2020 the groom’s family feel that they don’t need to share any of the costs at all, how self entitled!


If they really push back, I think you need to sit down with your daughter and tell her you’re contributing $X total, not a dollar more, and that it’ll be up to her and her fiancé to spend it wisely because you cannot financially spare anymore.
I feel awful that my parents are paying more than I am for the wedding, I don’t know how their side of the family just doesn’t even care!!

View Quoted Comment Self entitled is the half we really are struggling with this- we took a two week vacation and he came along and proposed we paid for that his family was happy and offered to help from the engagement party they were happy with the event but everyone ate drink took pictures and left nothing
So we figured ok we will be more direct ok this is the budget we can do $x and you can do $x- oh no that's not my responsibility it's yours and by the way we should have our own photographer our own limo we want a rehearsal dinner an additional upgrade on the bar - it took my daughter to stop him and say wait my parents are not paying for all of that - he still going our honeymoon cars back flowers these custom invitations { only because they want her to be happy) we are like SMH no cut this that but I don't want to cut so much I ruin her day?
It has honestly gotten to the point if we didn't pay for her car he was putting her in a cab! I just can't see that - I understand money is right for everyone but some people are just plain cheap

I know this may not be the popular opinion here, but the statement 'we'll help with the costs' isn't a commitment of much at all. Writing and handing over a check saying 'here's what we can contribute' is.

Were they present when you discussed committing to vendors and signing contracts so that they could put their name on the paper? That's the only way you would know you are sharing the costs.

The comment by a PP saying "I don't understand how in 2020 the groom’s family feel that they don’t need to share any of the costs at all, how self entitled!" is a viewpoint, but not one I share. The only people really truly responsible for paying for a wedding today is the bride and groom...together. If their parents want to help, that's their business - but no one is 'owed' a wedding.

I guess we were fortunate in that we get along very well with my daughter's in-laws. Yes, my husband and I went the traditional route and told our daughter we would pay for her wedding, and were prepared to cover 100% of the costs. We gave them a number and knew we could plan and pull off a nice event. We expected nothing from the groom's parents, but still heavily involved them in the planning as we viewed this as their day for their son as well. We were touched when, at lunch after a long meeting with the florist, they offered to cover the entire flower/decor bill since it was one main contract and easy for them to oversee. We gratefully accepted and stepped away from that phase of the planning, but they reciprocated and kept us on top of everything.

We all want to give our children that magical day...but your daughter needs to hear you say "there are limits." When touring venues, there was one place my daughter was absolutely in love with. I KNEW the price was insane, but she loved it - so we agreed to tour it. It was a beautiful space, but we didn't nix it. Instead we presented her with the idea that it WAS an option...but she'd have to cut her expected guest list of 150 in half to have it fit the budget. We were willing to spend the money, but no more than the budget allowed. She chose family and friends over wood, nails and a view and we moved on with no regrets. Yes, it was her dream venue...but she still had a magical day.

View Quoted Comment I respect your Opinion
However to answer your questions
1. Yes they were present and toured the venue and inquired the cost they just didn't follow through?
2. I'm sorry I was under the impression that if you make a decision of any kind with an individual you would attempt to commit to that decision
3. We are paying our daughter's wedding costs 100% as we want to see her happy and we promise her that so we are standing by that promise and take it as a commitment We realize it's a sacrifice however it's an example as well if you promise your wife and her parents you should set the example and follow through or at least involve your self in what you can do- if you walk away from this promise what will you do with the next? The promise was to my daughter she was going to have her day regardless.
4. After you make these promises without being asked you demand changes to plans you are not following through on nor are you financially invested in.
What we did was your the venues first and set the cost with our daughter being present so we wasn't showing her something WE could not provide. After we knew WE could provide it we brought her and had her go back to FH. It was only then that FH started asking cost and insisting on paying half
I never thought for a moment we would have conflict. But suddenly the input has been too much. If it's not the wedding it's any personal issues we have and how HE feels we should handle them ( I don't want to be rude but its too much) we try to let her correct these things independently of us because we don't want to be in the midst of providing for our daughter and the approval of her FH.
We are at least 75% into this and its been put off until the last minute so now we couldn't walk away if we wanted to. But I still say yes allot of this is "self entitlement " and its being comfortable to make promises you don't intend on keeping and that's not right

Hi!


I’m in a similar situation but the bride. My parents are paying for 70% of the wedding, his parents 10% and me and FI 20%. This has really caused a rift between my family and his. My family says why can’t it be even and like to make a lot of decisions and not include my FIs family in the decision making since my parents are paying for most of the wedding. The cost is around $600pp so when his parents invited like 3 extra guests, my parents flipped out. It’s been a source of so much stress.
Whatever you decide and even though you are disappointed in his family, don’t put too much stress on the bride and groom. I mean it’s not their fault his family isn’t helping. Sometimes it’s better to give your daughter her dream without too many strings attached and just remember what has happened for the future.

I agree with PP that the only ones responsible for paying for the wedding are the bride and groom. I would tell your daughter that you have a strict budget, and you can not spend more, so they better spend wisely. I’ve watched families go into major debt just to pay for their children’s weddings and I personally think it’s ridiculous. It is definitely upsetting that the grooms family agreed to help financially and then backed out, but the bride and groom should never count on anyone else to pay the expenses because things can change financially so quickly for anyone. I would definitely have a talk with your daughter and hopefully she can reason with her spouse. You should not spend more than you can afford and if they won’t start cutting down on expenses, then they need to pay for the remainder.

View Quoted Comment You know after all of this I would be happy with the 10% as far as this goes- but it's my FSIL that is requiring all of this after he promised to contribute and didn't so I remember to humble myself for the sake of peace but this is too much and its spilling over to issues outside of wedding planning so I'm not thinking about having a rift between them and us but setting appropriate boundaries is definitely needed

If the wedding is still a ways away I would set your foot down on what you have contributed so far - venue costs etc. and let the couple know what your max budget is and if they go over, they can cover the rest. If they need help from your son in law's parents then that's on them to ask.

Tell her what you can offer and they can provide the rest. It’s really sweet to want to pay for their dream wedding but weddings cost a fortune nowadays and it’s just not always realistic.

This sounds like a mess. This responsibility is on the bride and groom and only them. Tell them you are paying X amount and that’s it! They can figure out the rest. My FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. His dad wanted to help pay for alcohol, so I am letting him do that. My family has contributed $0 and I’m not asking them to pay for anything. I didn’t even want to let me FIL pay for alcohol but whatever. No offense, but you need to put your foot down and make your daughter and FH figure it out. This is their battle. I understand wanting to help, but if you take on 100% of this then you are enabling them to be entitled. I’m not trying to be harsh, but I don’t think it’s your place to figure this out... this burden shouldn’t even be on you.

Sorry I wanted to add something else. The grooms family saying “this is not our responsibility” is right. It’s not their responsibility and it’s not yours either. This is the bride and grooms responsibility. Instead of you guys cutting “grooms expenses” just cut expenses and tell your daughter and FH it’s on them to figure it out. Things have changed these days and are no longer traditional “bride vs groom” expenses. Now if the groom is saying it’s not his responsibility... that’s an issue your daughter needs to handle.

View Quoted Comment Being done as we speak