mob paying all expenses

View Quoted Comment Go you! I’m proud lol

Wow that’s a shame. I would sit your daughter down and explain everything to her and maybe she and her FH can talk to his parents. I was the parent of the groom recently and we did way more than our fair share. In fact, I was upset because I felt the bride’s parents didn’t do their part but it put my son in an awkward position with his fiancée. Her parents made a lot more than me but didn’t care. I think it’s important to just be realistic with your daughter about what you want to contribute and see if she and her FH can work with his family to help out. Good luck.

View Quoted Comment Thank you I have heard so much advice from everyone they are young and need help my daughter is not working because she is finishing her masters degree so we are stepping in to give them something nice the budget is what it is like I said I'm 75% done. We was promised help with the engagement and that didn't happen either so I'm cutting the list while its early it's my cap and if they want additional help they will have to pay it themselves or get assistance from FH and family I'm done

"No pay, no say." If FH and his family (and your daughter, for that matter) are not contributing to the wedding financially, they don't get a say in its planning. I'm glad to hear that you're capping what you can spend and that anything over and above will be on the couple to pay for.

I will say though, please don't use getting a Masters as an excuse for her to shirk the responsibility of paying for her wedding. I finished my Masters degree program last year while wedding planning and we're still paying for 2/3 of the wedding. Yes, I was busy, but I was still able to find time to get done all of my other responsibilities while working on my degree. Part of being an adult is being able to balance all of the tasks we take on. I'm not saying this to be harsh, but she chose to get her degree (a fantastic decision in my world!) and chose to get married at the same time. Many, many people decide to do this and are still paying for their weddings without the cost of the wedding falling solely on the shoulders of their parents. Like I said previously, I commend you on giving your daughter and her FH a limit at this point, but please don't use her degree as an excuse for her not paying.

I'm so sorry you're this far into planning and have all this conflict over whether people are keeping their commitments or not.... However, I think you and FOB need to decide what the total amount you are willing to spend is, and convey that to daughter and FSIL. Any expenses that exceed your maximum are on THEM to cover or figure out where else the money might come from (groom's family or whomever). When our daughter got engaged, we gave them a total dollar amount we were willing to spend and left it up to them to decide how to allocate the money. Ultimately, FOG offered to pay for the photographer and an additional smaller cash contribution -- but, he wrote daughter checks that day. Ultimately, FOB and I paid about 80% of the wedding, FOG paid about 20%. (Where 100% was the total of what we & FOG offered to contribute at the very beginning -- the wedding stayed on budget!) The B&G separately covered their rings, their honeymoon, gifts for the bridal party, and the videographer, which was something that didn't fit the total budget we and FOG provided. Daughter knew from the very beginning EXACTLY how much we were willing to contribute. She did a ton of comparison shopping and had to keep a very tight rein on the guest list to make it work. There were also things that they never considered, like "transportation," because it didn't fit the budget and daughter & SILs priorities. They had a lovely, very traditional country club-type wedding, but it was not excessive and IT FIT THE BUDGET.

If I were you, I'd take a break, look at what is already absolutely committed to, and then put future decisions in daughter & SIL's laps with the understanding of exactly what you are willing/able to spend. As others mentioned, our daughter and SIL were ~24, and SIL was finishing a grad program the year they were engaged. They were both working full-time and supporting themselves. If your daughter & FSIL are old enough to get married, in my opinion, they should be old enough to be actively involved in managing the budget for their wedding. If someone needs to deal with FSIL, it should be your daughter, and if someone needs to deal with his family, it should be HIM.

Also, it's a little hard to follow some of your post, but if FSIL is as demanding and self-centered as it sounds like he is, I'd be much more concerned about your daughter's future with him than about the wedding. I get that as a parent, there are somethings that are between them, but perhaps turning over more of the planning and responsibility to them will help your daughter see him more clearly.... Good luck to you all!

View Quoted Comment Again and this comment specifically shes not shrinking back on anything she made the sacrifice to pursue her degree and as her parent we made the sacrifice to support her in that decision this was before her engagement
It's real simple if you say you are going to do something you should do it or communicate you can't

If the kids are out of college and working I’d be annoyed that the groom isn’t contributing. Honestly, it’s not expected for parents to contribute anymore but if you want to, I’d give them the amount you’re comfortable with any expectations for that money (for example if you must invite 10 guests, or want the money you provide to cover the venue your daughter wants). It may be hard, but then back of and let them plan the wedding they want and can afford.

The groom does not want to pay for any part of HIS wedding? Red flag. I could not marry a man like that.


Stop being a blank check. Stop signing contracts. Offer the bride and groom a lump sum (no more than what you can afford) and let them figure out the rest. "We love you, we want you to have the wedding of your dreams, but taking on 100% of the burden is unfair and unfeasible. Here is $x to use towards your wedding. This is our gift to you."
The bride and groom need to be able to figure out finances and budgets. They need to work together rather than mooching. Are you going to subsidize them for the rest of their lives? You're being an enabler and letting people take advantage. Paying for a wedding as a couple and a TEAM is one of the first major financial endeavors a couple will encounter. It's practice for marriage.

View Quoted Comment Thank you I agree 1000% which is why I cut the list today and explain to them both WE are NOT your personal bank figure out the rest for yourselves

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GOOD FOR YOU! I understand the concerns you've voiced about "keeping your commitments," but it's also very important for your daughter and FSIL to both understand the limits of your generosity, and, honestly, "have some skin in the game." It's REALLY easy to spend other people's money, but most of us are much more thoughtful & frugal when it's our own money at stake. Almost 33 years ago, my dad used the "here's your budget, do what you want with it" approach. It took a lot of budgeting and prioritizing, but I came in $5 under budget and was very proud of that. (My dad was pretty proud, too.) It was an incredibly valuable lesson/experience for H and I to plan a wedding together and stay on budget. That's why 30 years later we took the exact same approach with our daughter and SIL. Your offer to contribute anything is very generous (and based on this forum, fairly rare, as it seems most couples pay nearly everything themselves); I think it is important for your daughter and FSIL to understand and appreciate your generosity. Good luck to you -- and stick to your guns!

View Quoted Comment Glad you finally put your foot down. I think just communicate directly with your daughter or talk to her but with her FH present. We are contribute X amount for the wedding. How you want to spend it/allocate is up to you. Let them tour venues, sign contracts, find vendors. None of that is your job, it’s theirs. I would never, never allow my parents to pay for MY wedding! They raised me, that’s more than enough. I’m an adult. If I want to host a wedding, I will pay for it. Weddings are solely the responsibility of the bride and groom. If parents want to gift money as a wedding present, that’s lovely. You’ve already been more than generous.

I think I should stress this I learned an awful lesson about all this and it's to stay out of my daughter marriage!! Call me wrong but I never offer my SIL his dream wedding I offer my daughter and from the first event the engagement party I would not put the money in his hand or hers now since I'm vested 75% that's it for me

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You sound like a very caring and supportive mom, but, unfortunately, it sounds like you were being taken advantage of. Good for you for putting a stop to that. I truly hope your daughter and FSIL have a lovely wedding and are appreciative of all you have done to help make that happen!

Ok so I have made some real hard decision I have a question for all the brides and grooms that are paying for their own wedding why? Is it because it’s expected or is it because you WANT the responsibility

My parents told us how much they could give us (6k total) and we are working off of that budget. It’s been a little tricky, but mostly fun planning as much DIY as possible! My fiancé’s family doesn’t have any money to give us and we are both saving all our extra $ for our honeymoon.


You’re daughter should be happy with whatever you have to give her as long as she gets to marry the man of her dreams. The wedding is only one day.

View Quoted Comment Understand