Modern etiquette on an awkward guest

If she isn't in a relationship and isn't a bridesmaid, I don't think you need to give her a +1. It sounds like this friend may make her (and possibly others) uncomfortable and you don't need to encourage that.

You’re not being too old fashioned in my opinion. Common etiquette states that only the wedding party and any guests where you know for sure they have a long term partner or spouse need to receive a plus one. Plus ones can blow up a guest list and budget pretty quickly if you’re not careful, so I would sit down with your FH, agree on the boundary for plus ones, and stick to that when finalizing your list.

View Quoted Comment I would agree. You bring up good point about wedding party. We aren’t having a traditional one - 2 true people of honor, one in my side one on his. I think he sees it as a courtesy to his family more than anything but I see it as being a bit odd considering she has no romantic prospects / doesn’t date?

View Quoted Comment Yes although we are generally allowing plus ones for far away guests. Which she would be included in that, however her whole family will be together for the event. Again it just seems odd to have a plus one in this particular instance knowing it’s not at all romantic

Modern etiquette dictates that A. Immediate family should always receive a plus one and B. single guests should receive a plus one to destination weddings. Guests then choose who they wish to invite as their plus one- whether a romantic interest or a platonic friend- it’s totally up to them. If FSIL chooses to invite this individual as her plus one, then the friend’s behavior obviously doesn’t bother her. And it’s important to keep in mind that just because she says she doesn’t reciprocate romantic feelings, doesn’t mean that’s true. Perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable having that conversation with her family yet. We had a family member who always brought a certain “female friend” to family functions, yet swore there was no romantic relationship there. Long story short… they are now married. I would suggest following proper etiquette, extending a plus one, and allowing her to choose who she wishes to accompany her (if anyone at all); without judgment or pressuring her to define their relationship. If she is not uncomfortable, there is no reason anyone else should be.
Here are a few articles and previous conversations that address proper etiquette surrounding plus ones that may be helpful:

https://www.marthastewart.com/7954917/destination-wedding-single-guests-plus-one-etiquette

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/plus-1s-for-a-destination-wedding/

https://www.brides.com/story/wedding-guest-list-plus-one-etiquette-who-gets-one

View Quoted Comment I agree with Cece. Even though she’s not in the wedding I think siblings should get a plus one, especially if it’s out of town. It’s up to your SIL to decide if she’s comfortable with this friend, not you. And no, I would not have her in pictures. Pictures are whoever you want in them.

View Quoted Comment Just wanted to second that no, your FSIL‘s guest would not need to be included in photos. And I also wanted to point out the fact your fiancé not only feels his sister should have a plus one, but is actually offended that you suggested otherwise, should already give you your answer.

I think if your fiancé is upset that you don't want to give her a plus one, you should reconsider not offering her a guest. You can't just assume you two are on the same page, you have to communicate and he has communicated his feelings. This is small potatoes, and (IMO) not a fight worth having

Modem etiquette would be to withhold judgement of people's life choices. She gets a plus one like everyone else. If she were uncomfortable with her, she wouldn't invite her. FSIL should be the one to make that choice of she's ready to bring this friend to multiple day wedding events. You're the one who's uncomfortable with it.

I agree with Cece and others. But the guest should definitely not be in all the pictures - perhaps she can be in one or two, to pacify whomever may request it. But definitely not in the "family" pictures because she is not family, nor is she a serious partner of any family members (that we know of, although Cece brings up a good point that perhaps there are reciprocated romantic feelings and it's just under wraps for now).

You should definitely give FSIL a plus one - especially since your FH wants to give her one. If she brings this lady, that's her business.

She doesn't have be in your photos - we didn't have H's grandfather's girlfriend in any of ours.

Also, I agree with PPs, she may be a romantic partner and your FSIL isn't ready to be open about it - to anyone. That would explain her reaction to romantic behaviors by the friend in front of y'all, and if she isn't ready to be open about it, then it would also explain why she didn't say anything to you when you asked her about it. Think about it though - if this was really something that made her unhappy, don't you think she'd either stop being friends with this person or stop bringing her places?

I would agree with you. Perhaps you need to approach the subject differently with him. Explain that you guys are doing intimate family things before hand and this possible guest isn't family she is just a family members friend. If he was close with the sisters friend I might see where he is coming but you are not being to old school. Your etiquette is very proper.
We haven't provided a plus one to several friends and family. One they are not in a relationship, like your soon to be sister in law have not been since we have been together. Two their are family friends who aren't our friends who have all said they would go with these people when they get plus ones. Unfortunately it isn't something we want.
Hopefully this works out for you!

Since it's your FH's guest and he's offended that you wouldn't offer her one then I would take his lead on this one. As others have mentioned, if this friend continues to be invited to family functions then there are dynamics to their relationship that you don't know (whether they're romantic or not doesn't matter). She doesn't have to be included in your family photos - just give your photographer a list of the names needed and don't include hers. My grandma's boyfriend has to be invited to our wedding but I refuse to have family pictures with him. I also don't think it's quite fair that you mentioned that she would be counted in other groups that you have decided are allowed plus ones, but you don't want to offer one to her. Let her bring who she wants. You'll be so busy that her bringing a friend will likely not even be on your mind much that weekend.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Tina! Yes I will say I guess my concern is much less about the wedding and reception itself but rather the 3 days before hand where we are doing a very intimate religious ceremony followed by a lunch, and then a day of family activities followed by rehearsal dinner. So less about the wedding and more about the more intimate events where we have never spent any quality time with this person in more intimate settings - mostly just in party environments and it feels like not the ideal time to be introduced to these more intimate settings?

View Quoted Comment Thanks Cece- you make good points and I would agree with you generally about the wedding guest. I think I’m a bit hung up on the the 3 days before hand where we are doing a very intimate religious ceremony followed by a lunch, and then a day of family activities followed by rehearsal dinner. So less about the wedding and more about the more intimate events where we have never spent any quality time with this person in more intimate settings - mostly just in party environments and it feels like not the ideal time to be introduced to these more intimate settings?


Thoughts on how to invite a guest to the wedding day and reception but note the events reserved for a closer knit family group?

View Quoted Comment I completely understand that. If as a last resort idea he still doesn't seem to see where you are coming from. Would it be possible to just have this person come to the party if he really can't get past it? Maybe say this part of the wedding is for close family and our friends. Friends of the family can enjoy our ceremony. Then you have heard his side and you are try to compromise if he still wants her to have a plus one.
I do have to ask though, how does she feel about it? We talked to his brother about possibly not getting a plus one and he was happy to not have to try and find a date. Is that possibly an option to get her involved or would that end badly?

View Quoted Comment I would discuss all of this with FSIL. You don’t even know for sure if she would invite the person you have in mind, or if she would even invite anyone at all! Proper etiquette dictates you give her a plus one, and I think just from a moral standpoint you should also extend the plus one, seeing as she is an immediate family member, AND traveling for your wedding. Plus, you could unknowingly be excluding her significant other without knowing, which could deeply hurt SIL. I can’t foresee a polite way of telling someone they are invited to travel for your wedding, but aren’t invited to pre-wedding events. That just seems incredibly rude and exclusionary. You’ve already stated you are allowing other guests a plus one, so denying an immediate family member one would be cruel and in poor taste. Just extend the +1 and allow her to choose whether she would like to bring someone, and if so who that will be. You can give her a rundown of the schedule and throw in there that it will be only family (so perhaps boring for her plus one), and allow them to make the decision to attend or not. You’ll be so busy with your family, you likely won’t even notice the additional person. And even if you do, is it really that big of a deal? I would think your fiancé’s opinion and your FSIL’s comfort would be of more importance to you than another seat at a table.

View Quoted Comment Yes I think talking about it with her would be the best approach, any ideas on best way to bring it up? I oddly would feel more comfortable just saying if she wants to bring her friend we are cool with that than for some reason just putting it on the envelope without a conversation. It feels like it opens the discussion more for deciding if it really would feel right to her with the whole context of the weekend and then if she decides to bring her, then that’s great! Part of my concern I think is context setting to ensure it feels right for her (and by extension us) to bring this friend in such an intimate environment. If she knows exactly the situation and is all in on it then I actually feel good and relieved! Now just how to broach ….

View Quoted Comment

Honestly, I'd have your FH talk to her. It's his sister. And you don't need to say anything to her unless she decides to actually bring someone. Just put "and guest" on her invite and broach the subject of the plans for the weekend after you know if she's planning on bringing a guest or not.

I wouldn't give her a +1 because she doesn't belong to any of these categories:
1) A wedding party member (the fact it's traditional or not doesn't matter).
2) She's not in a romantic relationship or, at least, not officially if she's in love with her but doesn't want to admit it.3) Your or your fiancé's mom/grandma.4) Someone who doesn't know other guests since your fiancé's family will be there.I don't think a sibling should automatically get a +1 if they are neither a WP member nor in a serious relationship. My bro and one of my fiancé' sis are single, if it doesn't change in late oct. 2022 (6 months out): NO +1 for neither of them, period. You have to consider your fiancé's feelings on this but he should also consider yours. Have you ever told him why you don't want his sister's friend/girlfriend there? At the end of the day, he should put you first, since 1: I'm sure that he wouldn't miss the sister's friend/girlfriend and 2: it's what he's going to promise when he reads his vows, isn't it?
If she gets the +1, you don't have to include +1 in the formal photos. You may want to consider this : she gets a +1 but the two of you make it clear that you don't want her in the formal photos. On the day of, you will focus on your man and loved ones , you won't have to spend time with her, besides the fact of greeting her.