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Just Said Yes April 2020

moh Backed Out

N Gran, on November 16, 2019 at 3:25 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10
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Hey all. I'm looking for a little advice/support. My maid of honour texted today me saying she could not be my MOH anymore. She says she hasn't felt connected in a way that she is comfortable and just isn't in to it anymore. The wedding is in 5 months, so it's not completely last minute... I feel abandoned as I was really looking forward to spending more time with her as my wedding approached -- making/crafting decor items, planning bridal shower/bachelorette party (I will add we have been a bit distant that last few months, but like I mentioned, I was hoping this would be a great way to reconnect, spend some QT together)... Anyways, I have a bridesmaid I can promote to MOH, but I'm undecided on it (I had 2 bridesmaids, plus 1 MOH total). I may just keep the uneven numbers and go without a MOH... Has this happened to you? What did you end up doing in the end? Thanks Smiley smile

10 Comments

Latest activity by Michaela, on December 18, 2019 at 10:24 PM
  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I've heard it's bad form to replace or promote a lost MOH/bridesmaid. It implies that someone is replaceable and the person being promoted could feel they were secons choice. I'd just leave it as is. Sorry about what happened
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  • Mrs. Bubba
    VIP September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
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    I had to replace an MoH (she got married 2 weeks before I did and we determined that was just too much to be part of another Wedding and your Wedding) and a Bridesmaid (she stopped talking to me, but now “doesn’t know what happened”.
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  • M
    Dedicated October 2019
    M ·
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    I feel like that is true only when they back out because of uncontrollable circumstances. (i.e. health of themselves/family member, high risk pregnancy, anxiety, etc.) in this case, she just backed out because she wasn’t feeling it. It’s a sad situation all around and I don’t think MOH is horrible for it but I also don’t think it’d be rude to replace her if the bride wanted to. I do give props to MOH for backing out instead of remaining without her heart in it. Maybe trying to look at it in that way instead of being too hurt, while I understand it’s a hard thing to deal with. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    I’m sorry this happened to you because I’m sure you were looking for to things with her. I would leave the other two girls as BM’s rather than “promote” one.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    An MOH is a special honor for someone you have known longer or feel much closer to that the others. It is not a requirement, where you promote or demote people for any reason. There is no difference in things they do, except that whoever is next to the bride may hold a ring, or a bouquet. Any female friend or family may plan a shower, whether in the bridal party or not. Anyone can help you with wedding projects. MOH may do them more often because they are the closer friend. But as you already made your statement on who is closer to you, the one now gone, you should not now have another BM become second choice of MOH.
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  • Lily
    Dedicated December 2019
    Lily ·
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    I second this! Exactly! Keep your bridesmaids as bridesmaids. If you want help with all the projects, just ask. They're there for you.
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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    Your wedding party has no obligation to do crafts with you or to organize parties or to "help plan." Each of them buys her dress, shows up sober in the dress, and smiles for the pictures--being a bridesmaid is an honor, not a job.

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  • N
    Just Said Yes April 2020
    N Gran ·
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    Thanks for replying. I think what you said is really well put. I'm hoping the former MOH and I can reconnect in a non-wedding related setting in the future. I am definitely trying to think of it as you said, but it definitely feels like my BFF just walked away from an important moment in my life.

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  • L
    Lady ·
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    Super rude to replace her, regardless of the reason. Kind of a slap in the face to the girl you're "promoting" AND the bff that you want to maintain a good relationship with (according to your posts). I'm sorry she feels this way, i know it's hard - but just try to be a friend to her and leave your wedding out of it.

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  • Michaela
    Just Said Yes May 2020
    Michaela ·
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    Im going thru the same thing. it sucks because you feel abandoned by someone who is suppose to stick with you. i get life happens but we all have stuff to deal with. my moh backed out but didnt really give me a reason other than she just couldnt handle it. i have reached out but she wants no part in it, she may not even come to the wedding🤷🏽‍♀️ so in the end i replaced her with another close friend who was a BM. i had a long conversation with her and was open and honest and she didnt feel like she was second place🤷🏽‍♀️. its up to you and do whatever you think is best
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