moh can't afford costs and is not attending bachelorette party

I don't think the MOH is obligated to split the costs, since she is not attending the party. I think that those attending the bachelorette party are the only ones who should split the cost. The bridesmaid and MOH roles are intended to honor the bride's closest friends, not obligate them to pay for things, and she shouldn't have to step down from being MOH just because she can't afford the party that she's not required to host or attend.

I've never attended a bachelorette party where costs were paid by people who couldn't attend. I think you're in the wrong here.

Yes, you are in the wrong. There is no rule that says the MOH needs to plan or fund any pre-wedding events; nor would it be expected for her to travel overseas for an optional party. And it would be ridiculous to make her pay for an event she isn’t even attending! If the BMs who have offered to plan the event cannot afford to pay for the costs, you guys need to scale back to what you can afford. I feel terrible for the MOH who has been bullied so badly that she is offering to step down in her own sister’s wedding! And I cannot imagine the bride would be happy with her bridal party’s treatment of her sister. I would apologize immediately and smooth this over before it gets back to the bride!

You are wrong. The maid of honor isn't attending therefore she shouldn't have to pay for any of it. If you and the others don't want to spend that much than plan something cheaper.

Why do you think she should have to pay? There's no obligations besides her showing up day of with the dress the bride approved of. You're being a bit entitled here, don't you think?

As you placed this in the Etiquette board, I'll address it in this way. The MOH is not against etiquette by not paying for a party she cannot attend. These pre-wedding parties are optional, meaning the bride/groom are not required to have, and no one is required to attend even the wedding party. The invite list should be persons who are local and inviting distant persons otherwise creates tension with unreasonable expectations (as you are seeing now). I don't know how you would "put your foot down", but you are in the wrong to make the sister feel like the bride chose her for her financial input. The easy solution is to apologize for speaking for the bride, and throw a get-together the attendees can afford. The bride certainly has the option to pay her own way if she chooses.

Pre wedding events are optional. Why pay for a trip you cannot attend. If I found out my sister wanted to step down because my bridesmaids have made her feel like garbage because she can’t pay for a party/trip I would seriously reconsider my bridal party. This is her sister and MOH. If you all cannot afford the brides way without the MOH, scale it back or ask the bride her own budget for the bachelorettes. Bridal parties are not atms.

She is not coming, therefore she’s not obligated to split the costs. That would be extremely unfair to her. If one less person splitting it is making it harder for you guys, the scale back the whole thing so it’s more affordable.

Just reminder, that her cost won't be ~$200 to split. She also needs to come up with an additional $1000 in travel costs to go to the bachelorette party from overseas. If you truly feel she NEEDS to be there to split your costs, then the fair thing to do would also be for you all to split her travel expense.


I couldn't imagine what the bride would think if her MOH stepped down because her bridesmaids bullied her over financials, yikes.

Wow, yes, you're in the wrong. I can't imagine losing my MOH over something like this. She's thinking of stepping down over your own financial expectations of her, not the brides. That would really stress (if not ruin) the relationship.

She really only does have to get the dress and show up. You're treating her really unfairly.

If you can't afford to have the bachelorette you planned without her money, plan a different party.

You're definitely in the wrong (for all of the reasons others have posted). Please apologize to the MOH, assure her that her sister would not want her to step down, and work with the other bridesmaids to plan a party all attendees can afford.

Agreeing with the others here. She should not have to pay.

Well, on the bright side, at least you aren't the only one in the wrong. The bridesmaids who agreed with you are also in the wrong. Yes, you will absolutely be the bad guy if this gets back to the bride, so I would suggest you straighten this out with the MOH before she informs her sister that she is bowing out because she can't afford to pay for a party she isn't attending.

Hopefully, you can salvage this before it's too late.

You are most definitely in the wrong. If I were the bride, I would be pissed off at your treatment of my sister. Very unkind and mean-spirited

Regardless of etiquette, these comments seem a little nasty toward OP. It’s a fair question to ask here & I can see where that perspective is coming from. OP if you want to include the MOH in bachelorette activities, you can see if she could join for a surprise Zoom call for the bride (they would both probably really appreciate that). Also if it’s in the budget, you all could try to send the MOH a little package with some bride tribe stuff so she feels included. It’s probably hard / embarrassing for her to talk about finances with strangers, I’m sure she wishes she could be there & unemployed is pretty much enough said- if she doesn’t have money coming in, she doesn’t have it. As some suggested, if a contribution from MOH was needed for the planned activities, maybe just scale back plans or do something a little cheaper for one of the options. Good luck with everything.

The only expense that a bridesmaid is responsible for, in addition to their own travel (transportation/lodging) as necessary, is to purchase the dress the bride has chosen and show up on the wedding day to support the couple and have fun at the reception. Everything else is optional. The recent trend of expensive destination weekend bachelorette parties are optional as well and they are inconvenient for many due to finances and time off. The people who are judging her are in the wrong because she is asked to spend more than she is comfortable with and she is maintaining the boundaries she has set. I don’t think it would it go over well with the bride to find out this is happening because this is not how real friends treat each other and their loved ones.


If she is not attending the bachelorette, then she is not required to pay. The bride needs to know from her why she is dropping out, and that decision needs to be respected by all. Those attending the bachelorette party split the costs evenly, except for the bride who has expenses covered by the hosts/guests. Skip the destination trip and have something local and affordable the night before the wedding.

Ridiculous. She is not obligated to pay. Yall should have kept in mind that she was a student when making arrangements in the first place.

You and the other members of the bridal party are completely misinformed and out of line. I agree with everyone else that only those attending pay. It’s sad that bachelorettes have become over the top, multi-day destination events that have become a burden and expense, often on people who can least afford it and who feel pressured but are in no position to pay, travel, or take the time off. The reality is they are totally optional as is involvement and attendance. This is not even a traditional event so I don’t know where anyone gets the idea that it’s OK to impose costs on those who are not participating or who were never consulted in terms of plans.

The only obligations MOH has is to stand up in support of her sister, pay for the dress in consultation with the bride for budget ( if in the US), transportation, and to attend a rehearsal if possible. She also helps out in minor ways on the day of the wedding. Anything else is strictly voluntary.

If you were planning on doing a bachelorette party and covering all of the bride’s expenses, and it hinges entirely on the MOH making a contribution without getting the MOH’s agreement FIRST, you planned outside your budget. You can’t make or assume financial commitments for others. Just because you want someone to do something doesn’t mean they can. Sounds like she was pretty clear about her boundaries, but you guys went ahead and planned something you couldn’t afford.

She can't afford it and is not even gonna be there. She inform in advance that she will not attend. Just split the cost between the ones who are going.
You shouldnt just assume that she has to pay when you are planning. Yoy should ask before and then plan with that budget