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Savvy September 2019

moh Disaster

Katie, on August 6, 2019 at 8:44 AM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 80

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Hi Ladies.. I know I can’t be the first one to ever complain about MOH not being helpful, but I need a good rant and also some feedback/ advice.

The wedding planning: She came with me to tour the venues and that has been it. I have asked her to come to multiple other appointments (cake tasting, rental appointment, consultations, Floral appointment, etc) and every time she has an excuse to not come.
The Bridal Shower: She offered to host. I knew this might be a lot for her, so I delegated a majority of the work. I made sure my mom, FMIL, and my other 3 bridesmaids contributed with food, sangria, and wines. My mom even bought all the flowers. I told her all she needed to do was put up any decorations she wanted, decide what games she wanted, and to please have a party favor for each person. So many people offered to help her the day of and the day before to set up. When I arrived to my shower an hour early NOTHING was done. She was still setting up decorations. The decor was beautiful, but nothing was ready. There were no party favors. She had bought a couple games but never asked me for the answers to the questions, so she had to pull me away from the party (in the middle of the game) and into the bathroom to ask me. It really upset me that I made sure she wouldn’t have too much to do and things still weren’t done. She thought she deserved a gold medal for putting on this shower that was very disorganized. The worst part about it was when I showed up she was not ready and had to scramble to get ready while I helped set other things up. SHE DIDNT WEAR A BRA. She said she didn’t have time to put one on. I was mortified.
The Bachelorette: Has fine absolutely nothing. We planned this back in January. My bachelorette is next weekend and she has done nothing. I have had to call to make the dinner reservations and have had to coordinate. Thankfully, my other best friend (who should have been a bridesmaid) jumped in about a month ago and booked us a river float and ordered matching tanks for anyone, but that has been it. I posted the details of the weekend on our FB group and my MOH replies, “Sounds great, can’t wait.” I am so frustrated/ hurt by her lack of planning and willingness to do anything.
Many wedding is in September and I don’t even know if I can count on her the day of. Like I said, she thinks she deserves a medal and can’t see that she hasn’t done anything wrong. I know I should tell her how I feel (I tried to let the planning and bridal shower go), but now that my bach is approaching and I realize she has done nothing to be a part of it I start to wonder why I even have a MOH. I am going to need her the day of my wedding to be my wing woman and she has proved she isn’t capable of it. What do I do? I don’t want any drama.
Also, I should add, my other best friend should have been my MOH, but she was already a MOH in another wedding this year and I didn’t want to put her in that position. However, my MOH and I have been best friends since 5th grade.
What do I do?!!

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80 Comments

Latest activity by Casey, on August 7, 2019 at 12:02 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on August 6, 2019 at 8:47 AM
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Did you hire her to be your wedding planner? If not, she’s under no obligation to plan your wedding with you. That’s the job of a hired wedding planner or the person you’re actually marrying. As far as the shower and bachelorette, she’s under no obligation to host those either and she chose to host the shower for you. It didn’t have to be to your specifications because it was a party being hosted for you. That doesn’t require your opinions or input.

Your MOH is supposed to be the person you feel closest to, not who can do the most for you.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on August 6, 2019 at 8:49 AM
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I don't see what she's done wrong here. She's not responsible for planning your wedding. You're marrying another person, they should be the one attending these meetings with you, not your friend. It's unfortunate that she didn't have the shower set up an hour in advance, but she threw you a shower. It's not yours or anyone else's business whether or not she wore a bra and I have absolutely no idea why this was even a point to be made. She's also not responsible for your bachelorette party. She doesn't even have to attend, but she is. She should be your maid of honor because she's your closest friend, not because of what she will do for you or because your other friend was already too busy. It sounds like you seriously need to lower your expectations.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 8:55 AM
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I wasn’t asking her to plan my wedding, I was asking for her support to be there with me for an appointment or two. Typically the MOH will join you for these things. Not every single appointment, but even just one would have been nice. My shower was a complete cluster and typically the MOH also helps organize the bach party. She has been very disconnected from everything.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 8:57 AM
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And also, I do have a wedding planner. I just wanted her to share some of the excitement with me. And yes, typically MOH gets the rest of the maids together to help organize details of the bachelorette party.
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Master October 2019
Laura · on August 6, 2019 at 8:59 AM
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I understand. If she said she'd plan them she should have, PERIOD. If she need help she should have just asked. She definitely should have put a bra on. She didn't "have time" to? really? I never thought you were asking her to plan your wedding, you just wanted her to do what a MOH is supposed to do, support you. No one in my wedding party has done anything. It's been me, and it's hard. No shower, no bachlorete party. It's hurtful and I get why you needed to vent. You weren't trying o "obligate" her to do anything, just do what she said she'd do
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Expert October 2020
Futuremrsm · on August 6, 2019 at 9:03 AM
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I feel like you are expecting too much from her. I planned a bridal shower before and it's a ton of work. She may have her own stuff going on at home. I would just ask her if she is overwhelmed and just sit down and talk with her. Really the only job a MOH has is to be your closest friend and supporter on your big day. I understand your frustration but at the same time I think you're asking her for a lot
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VIP August 2019
Futuremrsk · on August 6, 2019 at 9:06 AM
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Shes your MOH because shes your closest friend and you want to honor her by having her in your wedding. As others have said, why isn't your SO going to these meetings with you? It's as much their wedding as it is yours and they should have some say. (Unlessnyour SO is out of town for business/serving overseas, then I could see why you would want her there). For the bridal shower, it sucks she wasnt ready, but be grateful her and the rest of them even threw you a shower. There are many brides who dont get one, even though they would like one, because no one offers to throw them one. Same for the bachelorette. She doesnt even need to come. I couldnt makenit to my best friends bachelorette, and she was cool with it. She couldn't make my shower which was perfectly fine. We are both busy adults with jobs and other responsibilities. I am just thrilled she can stand next to me at my wedding on Friday, because she is one of my closest friends.
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Master August 2018
Nemo · on August 6, 2019 at 9:12 AM
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My girls did not attend a single vendor appointment with me, with the exception of my final dress fitting so they could learn how to do the bustle. They didn't throw me a shower and I didn't have a bachlorette party (We just did a boozy brunch instead). I'm still best friends with them and there was never any hard feelings, because they didn't do anything wrong.
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Expert February 2020
Sara · on August 6, 2019 at 9:16 AM
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I don't understand. She's under no obligation to do all of things you're expecting of her. It's up to you and your FH to go to those appointments together. Not your MOH.
You want a shower to meet your high expectations? Give more guidance.
You want a bachelorette party to be a certain way? That's on you.
She doesn't owe you anything because you chose her as MOH.
I'd be hurt if a friend chose me as MOH only to say she should have chosen someone else. I use the word friend loosely because it doesn't sound like you're being a very good one.
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VIP September 2019
Yam · on August 6, 2019 at 9:17 AM
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You’re being too hard on her. She’s doing her best. She wasn’t ready because she was scrambling to finish YOUR party in time, you even pointed out she didn’t have time to even put on a bra. Why is that not good enough?
Not every bride even gets extra parties, it’s not a requirement to get married that you have to have a shower or bach. She still threw you a shower because she loves you, you said she was proud of it(expected a medal?), clearly she thought she did a good job and you would be happy.

I understand maybe you feel you chose the wrong friend for the honor and you wish you chose your other friend but YOU made that decision. It’s not MoH’s fault. She didn’t rip the title from your hands. You picked this specific friend and she’s doing the best she can.
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Devoted April 2020
Sara · on August 6, 2019 at 9:17 AM
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I can understand that it upsets you if you feel she is disconnected. I personally have not heard of MOH attending cake tasting, flower appointments and similar appointments, dress shopping sure, but the others I think your FH would accompany you. Sure if you would like her to be there then extend the invite to her and if she’s able to make it great but if not then I think that’s okay too.
I know it’s kind of “tradition” I guess you can say for the moh to do showers, Bach party’s and so on. But I personally feel everything should not fall on them, I think a shower or a party or weekend celebration for bachelorette parties are an honor. I told my MOH from the beginning, especially because she’s in school full time and works full time, that I did not want her stressing over things and to not feel obligated to spend a lot of money or go over the top with things. However she is always checking in with me about planning and is very supportive so I can understand if you feel hurt that your moh does not give you that feeling. Maybe talk to her but I would just be mindful of how it comes across. To me it doesn’t sound like she is trying to ignore or dodge you and has had some involvement.
good luck!
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on August 6, 2019 at 9:23 AM
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I definitely think your expectations were way too high. Your FH should be the one going to those appointments with you as it is your wedding, not hers. The only one I can see her going to would be dress shopping. As for the shower, she hosted it and her organization skills or lack thereof say nothing about you, so you shouldn’t be worried about that. You also shouldn’t be worried about her planning the bachelorette. It should not be solely her job to plan these optional events, other bridesmaids or friends can help as well. She doesn’t even need to go to them. Maybe she wanted the bachelorette to be more spur of the moment rather than have every minute of the day scheduled out. I would be thankful that she put the time and thought into these at all as there are no actual required events or duties for MOH or bridesmaid except to stand with you that day in the requested outfit. They should be chosen because they are closest to you, not by what they can do for you.
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on August 6, 2019 at 9:25 AM
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I get where you’re coming from amid the backlash. No the MOH and bridesmaids aren’t required to do anything, that doesn’t define the friendship but I do think there is an unspoken responsibility taken on when you agree to be part of the bridal party. Now I haven’t asked anything from my maids other than a color scheme to stick with for dresses. When I chose my MOH she seemed over the moon and said she was going to do so much, but now she hasn’t done anything, has hardly spoken to me about the wedding except for the 3 times she messaged me to say she CANT COME then can come to my wedding. Currently she doesn’t know if she’s coming and my wedding is in 2 weeks... I ended up planning my own bachelorette party and bridal spa & sparkling party (in lieu of shower). It’s a bummer that a close friend can bail on you.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 10:01 AM
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Wow, I didn’t think I would receive so much backlash. I would like to clarify that she did offer to host my bridal shower. I made sure that she had all of the help and support she needed because I knew it was a huge task to take on. I showed up an hour early and had to scramble for an hour to help get everything together while she got dressed. I was sweating in my dress. I’m not saying she should be responsible for any of these things, but she did offer to host and while it was very generous it was very disorganized and I was in panic mode trying to make sure everyone. I am very thankful that I have a bachelorette party (that I have also helped pay for), and the bridesmaid are willing to help and looking to her for direction, but she has just completely disconnected herself and checked out. As far as the vendor planning my FH did go to almost all of the appointments with me, but as I said before, I wanted her to be a part of the experience and the excitement with me and go to at least one thing with me. I am just feeling disappointed. I am trying to give her some grace but she has caused a lot of unnecessary stress for me. She never talks to me about my wedding or asks how things are going. As a MOH I want her there for my support and robe my cheerleader along the way, but I don’t feel she has shared any sort of support or excitement and it has bummed me out
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Super August 2020
Anna · on August 6, 2019 at 10:54 AM
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I can understand why you are disappointed and you definitely have a right to your feelings. That being said.... It's possible she just legitimately doesn't know what to do, or what you expect of her. Every bride has different expectations and she may genuinely not know what yours are. OR maybe she was in a wedding in the past where she wasn't expected to be as involved.. and she's using that as her frame of reference? I can understand your disappointment but it's important to look at it from different perspectives.
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Super July 2018
Brittany · on August 6, 2019 at 10:57 AM
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Maid of Honors do not tend to attend any wedding related appointments. Choosing a venue, flowers, vendors and all that is for the bride and groom to do on their own or with any parents that might be paying. So I wouldn't be upset about her not coming to appointments. Overall, unless your MOH is being a bad friend - ignoring you even when its not about the wedding, being rude, saying hurtful things, etc. Then I think that it's best to stop expecting her to be responsible for things and just continue your normal friendship with her. Yes, my MOH helped with my shower and bachelorette but ultimately we just maintained a normal friendship - had double date nights with our significant others, talked about work and her school program, texted and snapchatted about our cats and random funny things, basically did everything we used to do before I was wedding planning. Honestly, THAT'S the support you need while planning a wedding, just being able to take a break and laugh with a good friend. Focus on having a blast with your best friends at your bachelorette, plan to have the girls stay with you the night before the wedding and have fun doing face masks, listening to music, drinking wine and laughing then get ready together in the morning. Remember that your maid of honor and bridesmaids are there to be your friend, not wedding planners. Changing your mindset will definitely help you feel less stressed and enjoy having friends by your side.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:01 AM
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Yeah, I have thought of that too. Maybe she doesn’t understand what is expected. Most weddings I have been in we (together as bridesmaids) made sure to organize and plan both the bachelorette and bridal shower. It’s a special time in my life and all of my other bridesmaids have offered so much help and support and are also disappointed that she hasn’t been leading the pack.
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Dedicated October 2019
Yana · on August 6, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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Katie it sucks that your MOH isn't as present or as excited as you think she should be. although she isn't obligated to go with you to the venue meetings and planning your parties i understand how you feel. im sure youre stressed out with the wedding planning and you were counting on her to help. especially since she offered to host your bridal shower i understand why you would expect her to handle it! your wedding is very important to you and you want it to be perfect but perhaps your MOH needs more guidance from you. i'm sure she has things going on in her life and your wedding is not her top priority (it's not her wedding after all). i think you should definitely talk to her and explain how you feel; doesn't necessarily have to cause any drama. if you dont talk to her im sure you will have a drunken cry-fest during your bach. dont be afraid to tell her how you feel! good luck
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 6, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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Were you guys clear when you asked her to be your MOH what you were expecting from her? In my opinion, you're expecting a lot more than normal. My MOH did exactly zero wedding planning. It wasn't her job, it was my job and my now husband since it was OUR wedding. My mom paid for and hosted my entire shower, and I didn't direct her on if I had to have games or favors or decor or whatever. The person hosting decides what the party will be like, not the bride. Several of my bridesmaids never wear bras, doesn't phase me at all. Not my body. Did any of your other bridesmaids step up to help with the bachelorette? I do agree, she should have done at least something for the bach since she is the MOH but maybe she can't afford to or isn't good at planning things?
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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Yes, that’s what I need! I feel like she has stopped being a friend all around. I have asked her to meet for wine nights, girls days, and have asked her to come to appointments not because I needed help planning but because I wanted to spend time with her and have fun! All of my other bridesmaids have done that. We have had a blast, but she has removed herself completely.
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