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Savvy September 2019

moh Disaster

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Katie, on August 6, 2019 at 8:44 AM

Hi Ladies.. I know I can’t be the first one to ever complain about MOH not being helpful, but I need a good rant and also some feedback/ advice.

The wedding planning: She came with me to tour the venues and that has been it. I have asked her to come to multiple other appointments (cake tasting, rental appointment, consultations, Floral appointment, etc) and every time she has an excuse to not come.
The Bridal Shower: She offered to host. I knew this might be a lot for her, so I delegated a majority of the work. I made sure my mom, FMIL, and my other 3 bridesmaids contributed with food, sangria, and wines. My mom even bought all the flowers. I told her all she needed to do was put up any decorations she wanted, decide what games she wanted, and to please have a party favor for each person. So many people offered to help her the day of and the day before to set up. When I arrived to my shower an hour early NOTHING was done. She was still setting up decorations. The decor was beautiful, but nothing was ready. There were no party favors. She had bought a couple games but never asked me for the answers to the questions, so she had to pull me away from the party (in the middle of the game) and into the bathroom to ask me. It really upset me that I made sure she wouldn’t have too much to do and things still weren’t done. She thought she deserved a gold medal for putting on this shower that was very disorganized. The worst part about it was when I showed up she was not ready and had to scramble to get ready while I helped set other things up. SHE DIDNT WEAR A BRA. She said she didn’t have time to put one on. I was mortified.
The Bachelorette: Has fine absolutely nothing. We planned this back in January. My bachelorette is next weekend and she has done nothing. I have had to call to make the dinner reservations and have had to coordinate. Thankfully, my other best friend (who should have been a bridesmaid) jumped in about a month ago and booked us a river float and ordered matching tanks for anyone, but that has been it. I posted the details of the weekend on our FB group and my MOH replies, “Sounds great, can’t wait.” I am so frustrated/ hurt by her lack of planning and willingness to do anything.
Many wedding is in September and I don’t even know if I can count on her the day of. Like I said, she thinks she deserves a medal and can’t see that she hasn’t done anything wrong. I know I should tell her how I feel (I tried to let the planning and bridal shower go), but now that my bach is approaching and I realize she has done nothing to be a part of it I start to wonder why I even have a MOH. I am going to need her the day of my wedding to be my wing woman and she has proved she isn’t capable of it. What do I do? I don’t want any drama.
Also, I should add, my other best friend should have been my MOH, but she was already a MOH in another wedding this year and I didn’t want to put her in that position. However, my MOH and I have been best friends since 5th grade.
What do I do?!!

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80 Comments

Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:05 AM
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I’m sorry to hear nothing was planned for you, that is a real bummer maybe you can plan a girls spa day or a time for everyone to get together? I know you probably feel like you shouldn’t have to plant it, but maybe they don’t know how you feel.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:07 AM
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Sara- I gave her plenty of guidance and resources. At the end of the day she just simply didn’t care to take the time to plan accordingly and has left everyone else picking up the pieces by her lack of planning.
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Expert October 2019
Sara · on August 6, 2019 at 11:07 AM
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Hey girl, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. If she said she was going to plan and host these events she should’ve stepped up and done so, and accepted the help that was offered to her. From here on out though, I think all you can do is push forward and not let her flakiness affect you. You mentioned that the day of the wedding you want to be able to rely on this girl, but think of who else you can lean on and who you know will have your back. The other BM you mentioned, your mom, etc. Focus on who is there to help you and who you know you can count on rather than you MOH.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:11 AM
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C R- I’m sorry, but if you offer to host a bridal shower for 30 people and decide to plan it the night before and you aren’t completely prepared, than why offer to throw one? So many people offered to help and she refused the help and ultimately I had to pick up the pieces the hour before the guests that SHE invited arrived. I don’t see how that is acceptable for a host of any party. Certainly not a bride. A birthday is different— those happen every year. A bridal shower only happens once. I have hosted many bridal showers with the help of other bridesmaids and I can promise you the bride didn’t lift a finger the day of her shower, nor should she.
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Devoted May 2022
Madison · on August 6, 2019 at 11:12 AM
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Hi! Yes sorry about all the backlash you’re getting! I see both sides of this for sure. It’s also obvious that you’re just frustrated and wanted to vent here not be lectured! Nowhere in here did you say you weren’t appreciative of her offering to host or anything like that but I totally get it! She offered to host it so you would expect it to be put together. Hard to enjoy something that isn’t done!! I understand what people are saying about the appointments and stuff like that. My maid of honor hasn’t seen the venue yet! Not because she doesn’t want to but she was just busy when we went. I am in the same place where I know it’s a lot for her and I told her that. I also like to know what’s going on and I like to plan so we are doing it together and I also plan with one of my bridesmaids. It makes it more fun I think so I get what you mean about wanting her there with you. I didn’t have my moh there but I just keep her updated on what I’m planning and doing and she helps where she feels comfortable! Sorry you kinda got attacked and I wish you the best of luck! It might be a lot for her to handle and she maybe feels like she will disappoint you if she tells you that so she does what she can which trust me I get what you’re saying it’s not good 😂. I hope everything on the wedding day goes smooth! Remember that she’s your best friend and all the other good times and has been there for you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Super July 2018
Brittany · on August 6, 2019 at 11:12 AM
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How was your friendship before you asked her to be MOH? I think sometimes girls ask best friends of many years to be in the bridal party and don't realize that it's actually been a while since they were super close like they used to be and that becomes obvious once they are in a wedding party. Could that be the case here? Or did she all of a sudden get distant recently? It might be worth it to have a heart to heart with her, maybe see what's causing the friendship to drift. Either way, you have to focus on the positives. You are getting married and it sounds like you have great bridesmaids!!!! Don't dwell on the things disappointing you when there's so much to look forward to!
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:13 AM
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Thank you so much, Yana! That was the kind of advice I was looking for on this post. I will definitely find a way to talk to her.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:23 AM
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Brittany- I think you make a solid point here. We have been best friends since the 5th grade. We had a lot of fun together through high school and college, but I think we have both become two very different people over the course of time. Prior to me asking her to be my MOH we kept in touch often and would get together for wine night every couple of months. We always celebrated birthdays together and would make an effort to see each other around the holidays. She is also in a not so healthy relationship, so I think there could possibly be some jealousy. I am marrying the love of my life and she is stuck in a toxic relationship that I have tried to help her pull out of, but she won’t. I think it might be hard for her to see me in my happiest of times when she is silently struggling.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:34 AM
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Thank you for your kind words, Madison! ❤️ I really just wanted my best friend by my side! I don’t know why people felt the need to attack my post. Overall I was just expressing my disappointment and wanted to see if other people experienced the same feelings. I am grateful and I value our friendship, but I really thought she might have been more involved at this point.
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on August 6, 2019 at 11:34 AM
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Yeah I stopped reading after you said you wanted her to come to planning appointments. That’s in no way her job. MOHs don’t plan weddings for the bride. Hire a planner if you need help.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on August 6, 2019 at 11:34 AM
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Ok, I actually think she’s already done way more than I would expect from a MOH. I’ve never even heard of MOHs going to any planning things like venue touring or cake tasting? Those are generally things that just the couple does. My mom came with me on some of those errands too but... I never even asked my MOH to come to our wedding planning appointments. She’s totally not obligated to do anything for your shower or your bachelorette party. Anything she does is just a bonus.

Its really nice that your other friend is helping out so much. If you want, maybe ask her if she wants to be a bridesmaid just to honor her in that way. But please take a deep breath and a step back and do not be mad at someone who has been your best friend since 5th grade because she isn’t acting like your wedding planner.
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Devoted May 2022
Madison · on August 6, 2019 at 11:38 AM
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Yeah try not to let these people get to you! Everyone has their own opinions! It’s easy to tell your just frustrated and wanted to talk about it. You’re not the first or last person lol. You’re not asking for a wedding planner you’re asking for your friend to be present just how she normally is in you’re life. I would be frustrated too if someone said they would do something and they didn’t do it!
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:42 AM
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I have had to clarify this several times, so I will clarify again— I didn’t need her there to be my wedding planner. I wanted her there so I could spend time with her and share my excitement with her. I offered to go out to lunch afterwards, to go do a wine tasting, etc as a fun way of making it an experience for her and I. She did go to the venue with me back in January, but that was it. It is now August and she has had zero involvement with anything despite my efforts of wanting her there for support.
My mom also would have hosted the shower, but my MOH had beat her to it and wanted to host, so she did. When you are a double D and have a low cut jumpsuit on you can have the respect to wear a bra instead of having your chest hang out from every direction of the clothing garment.
Yes, all of my other bridesmaids have stepped up to plan the Bach, but they are frustrated that they have had to pick up her slack, since she has made minimal effort. It’s not about the money— it’s the lack of planning or her willingness to care and it is hurtful.
It is sad that I have to explain this.
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Master October 2019
Laura · on August 6, 2019 at 11:43 AM
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I don't have the heart, the funds or the energy to plan it again. I had to put on my own shower the first time I got married, back in 1991. No bachlorette party.. I'm certain they know how I feel. I had to learn you can't make someone do something for you. My MOH did go with me to pick my dress, and she is planning to go to my fittings so she can learn how to help me with the bustle.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on August 6, 2019 at 11:45 AM
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Is it because it feels kind of disappointing that she doesn't show as much of an interest as you'd like? That's kinda how I felt with mine. And mine were also kind of chaotic during the shower aha they're not super organized but that's ok I appreciate all they did for me. I think it's natural to feel disappointed but just be mindful that maybe they're just not like the most organised people ahah.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 6, 2019 at 11:47 AM
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I do get that you wanted her to be more involved and she isn't, but maybe this should have been a conversation prior to asking her to be your MOH so you could lay out what was most important to you and what you 100% needed from her, then she if she was up for it. My MOH & bridesmaids had zero involvement in my shower, my MOH and two bridesmaids attended. My bachelorette was planned equally by MOH & bridesmaids, but I helped and financially paid for a lot of it. Six of my bridesmaids attended that, three couldn't. None of them came to cake tastings, venue tours, catering tastings, floral meetings, etc. I barely had time to schedule those meetings so I knew they couldn't. Two of my bridesmaids are double Ds, neither wore bras to the rehearsal dinner. I literally couldn't have cared less, I was so happy they were there and could spend the day with me. Another didn't wear a bra (unsure of her size) and never shaves her armpits. Again, didn't care.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:47 AM
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I totally agree. I am a planner and I’m very organized, so maybe I expect other people to be too, when I shouldn’t. Yes, it’s disapointing that she doesn’t seem to care. I am thankful for all of my other bridesmaids, my mom (who has been a HUGE help), and of course my FH. I’m a lucky lady! Was just disappointed that my MOH (of all people) hasn’t been there.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 6, 2019 at 11:52 AM
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I have to be honest, your expectations are way too high. It's dissapointing to hear but we all have to hear it eventually, nobody but you really cares about your wedding like you do. She thinks she did an awesome job because for her level of attachment she did. MOH is a title not a job, you're expectations are more towards a job.
She should have asked for help with the bridal shower but it honestly doesn't even sound bad. I also think it's dramatic to say you can't count on her the day of.
I think you should start counting your blessings in life and just let it go. Get married, have a good wedding, and enjoy your spouse. MOH will be a footnote in your memory in a year or so anyway.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 11:52 AM
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She was very excited (at first) and was willing to plan the shower and the bach with the help of my other bridesmaids. We are a week out from the Bach party and she hasn’t said a word about it. Myself and the other bridesmaids are planning the details of my bach and the MOH is nowhere to be found. I have also contributed financially for this.
Thats fine if you were okay with them not wearing a bra or shaving their armpits, but from where I’m from that is pretty gross ha.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on August 6, 2019 at 11:56 AM
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I agree. Her only "job" was to show up sober, dressed and pressed on wedding day. Please let it go, have a great wedding day and be forgiving of your friend. We could all use some grace now and then.
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