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Savvy September 2019

moh Disaster

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Katie, on August 6, 2019 at 8:44 AM

Hi Ladies.. I know I can’t be the first one to ever complain about MOH not being helpful, but I need a good rant and also some feedback/ advice.

The wedding planning: She came with me to tour the venues and that has been it. I have asked her to come to multiple other appointments (cake tasting, rental appointment, consultations, Floral appointment, etc) and every time she has an excuse to not come.
The Bridal Shower: She offered to host. I knew this might be a lot for her, so I delegated a majority of the work. I made sure my mom, FMIL, and my other 3 bridesmaids contributed with food, sangria, and wines. My mom even bought all the flowers. I told her all she needed to do was put up any decorations she wanted, decide what games she wanted, and to please have a party favor for each person. So many people offered to help her the day of and the day before to set up. When I arrived to my shower an hour early NOTHING was done. She was still setting up decorations. The decor was beautiful, but nothing was ready. There were no party favors. She had bought a couple games but never asked me for the answers to the questions, so she had to pull me away from the party (in the middle of the game) and into the bathroom to ask me. It really upset me that I made sure she wouldn’t have too much to do and things still weren’t done. She thought she deserved a gold medal for putting on this shower that was very disorganized. The worst part about it was when I showed up she was not ready and had to scramble to get ready while I helped set other things up. SHE DIDNT WEAR A BRA. She said she didn’t have time to put one on. I was mortified.
The Bachelorette: Has fine absolutely nothing. We planned this back in January. My bachelorette is next weekend and she has done nothing. I have had to call to make the dinner reservations and have had to coordinate. Thankfully, my other best friend (who should have been a bridesmaid) jumped in about a month ago and booked us a river float and ordered matching tanks for anyone, but that has been it. I posted the details of the weekend on our FB group and my MOH replies, “Sounds great, can’t wait.” I am so frustrated/ hurt by her lack of planning and willingness to do anything.
Many wedding is in September and I don’t even know if I can count on her the day of. Like I said, she thinks she deserves a medal and can’t see that she hasn’t done anything wrong. I know I should tell her how I feel (I tried to let the planning and bridal shower go), but now that my bach is approaching and I realize she has done nothing to be a part of it I start to wonder why I even have a MOH. I am going to need her the day of my wedding to be my wing woman and she has proved she isn’t capable of it. What do I do? I don’t want any drama.
Also, I should add, my other best friend should have been my MOH, but she was already a MOH in another wedding this year and I didn’t want to put her in that position. However, my MOH and I have been best friends since 5th grade.
What do I do?!!

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80 Comments

Master October 2018
MrsV1027 · on August 6, 2019 at 12:01 PM
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Maybe she's burned out on all the expectations placed on her? She is never going to be as involved as you want because it's your wedding. Not hers. No one cares as much about your wedding as you and your SO. Does your SO go to appointments with you? He's the one who should be giving opinions and all the things you were hoping your MOH would do. Honestly be thankful you got a shower and are doing a bach party.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 12:01 PM
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Since y’all have had a lot of (not so nice) opinions I wanted to share some positivity on this post. This is my fiancé and he is the love of my freaking life! I can’t wait to marry this man. At the end of the day my MOH is not going to rain on my special day. Please keep your negative comments to yourselves. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all xo
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 12:05 PM
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The second picture was at our SECOND bridal shower. Yes people, I had two showers The second one was fantastic.
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Super October 2019
Kelly · on August 6, 2019 at 12:35 PM
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Whenever I see a post like this, I cringe for the writer as I know the amount of negativity that you are going receive. I understand, in the midst of planning everything I really needed support - it felt so very close to me & so very far for everyone. My bridal party didn’t offer much support during this time, in a way it was good, bc it made me go towards my FH more & it has definitely brought us closer. Now that we are getting closer to the date the bridal party is getting more excited.
The whole MOH role is gray, on these forums everyone says that they just need to buy a dress & show up. However, my MOH has been very vocal that being a MOH is in fact an honor & has certain expectations.
Good luck w/ everything & you & ur FH looks very happy!
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 1:02 PM
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Thanks Kelly! I have posted a a few times and each time I have received wonderful feedback that has been so helpful! However, this just feels like a huge bash! Everyone is so quick to attack!
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Super May 2020
Michaela · on August 6, 2019 at 1:07 PM
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Note: I'm posting this before reading others replies. I apologize if my opinion redundant in anyway..
It sounds like she's doing her best. She's not doing any of this to hurt you or out of spite, she just has a different idea of her role than you do. If you're truly hurt, I would have a heart to heart with her about it. Just tell her that you expected more from her regarding the party and the bachelorette. Please don't compare her to your other friend (especially when you have a heart to heart with her). All friends express themselves differently and are able to give/help/support you in different ways.
Do express to your MOH EXACTLY what you expect from her the day of. This way you and her will be on the same page. She probably has different expectations on what she's to do the day of. Have an honest open conversation. Let her speak her side. If she's honest and willing to open up to you that what you expect is too much for her, then the two of you can work together to change expectations (like delegate to other BMs).
I understand how you can feel disappointed and taken back by her involvement, but please don't ruin your friendship over it. I think a mature honest conversation will do you both good. Then you'll both be on the same page
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Super August 2019
Tina · on August 6, 2019 at 1:15 PM
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My heart goes out to you but I think you may have had some assumptions of what a MOH does and she had some different assumptions. I would honestly not take it to heart at this point.. If you dont want any drama thank her so much for putting together the bridal shower to whatever extent she did and lower your expectations of her all together. All the hard work is done now so you just need to tie the knot at this point and you really don't need her to do that. Sorry you are hurt by her actions but I just dont think she knew what you wanted of her. Also she just doesn't sound like she was up to the task of doing the bridal shower in the first place. Its too bad but honestly just let it go and focus on any and all the good you can focus on
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Super August 2019
Tina · on August 6, 2019 at 1:20 PM
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Good for you! Looks great. I am so glad it was fabulous =)
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Just Said Yes September 2021
Cicely · on August 6, 2019 at 1:22 PM
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I totally agree with you! When I was a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding last year I threw the bridal shower ( I spent almost $600) I was only a bridesmaid but I offered and I WANTED to donut because she deserved it! She is now one of my matrons of honor and my mother asked me the other day about an engagement party! I have 2 matrons of honor and 2 maids of honor but only 1 maid of honor has helped me with every step and the other 3 have not as of now! ( wedding isn’t until 6/20/20 but I did change their roles! Being named Maid of honor and matron of honor is an HONOR for a reason! There is work behind it! They don’t get to stand there and just look pretty! If they were not going to step up and display the roles they have been chosen for then they should have never accepted them! PERIOD!! The maid of honor is supposed to do the bridal shower!! That is just traditional DUH!! So yes you have a right to be upset because she isn’t as tiny as though you all have been BFF since 5th grade! Not even enough respect to take 2 minutes to put in a bra??? No excuses!!
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Super May 2020
Michaela · on August 6, 2019 at 1:23 PM
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Now that I have read everyone else's post I would like to add..
You're feelings are valid. I still stick to what I offered up before about having an honest open conversation with your MOH. I'm sorry you feel hurt by previous posters responses, but they are just trying to give you some tough love. I agree that you're being a little harsh on your friend, and I also agree that posters are being a little harsh with their responses.
Maybe take a few days away from WW and this topic.. try to relax and revisit your thoughts and feelings once the sting passes. Then plan how you want to approach your friend with a clear mind. Hopefully the two of you can resolve all hurt feelings. I think regardless, you're going to have a wonderful wedding!! It sounds like you have a lot of friends and family that really care about you.
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Expert August 2019
Aliciabilly2019 · on August 6, 2019 at 2:13 PM
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Katie yes the MOH sometimes does attend these things with you bc most mes dont want to.. my MOH attended the cake tasting flower orangement meeting and all my dress fittings etc..so i can so see your point of wanting her there for support but some people are busier then others so you have to think about that to if she had advance notice and had day off or no plans thats one thing my MOH i told her in advance and if she wanted to join she could and she did for alot...your shower is suppose to be her planning yes it is i am not having one as we have lived together for almost 7 years and have all we need pretty much so i dont need one and i told her i dont so she didnt were going to have a rehersal dinner do presents then for our bridal party etc but you should feel like you MOH is there for you shes going to be helping you day of the point of a bridal party whole point is to help you and your FH the day of the wedding and to be helpers to not all the time but specially day of i researched what there for bc we did a small bridal party etc.. you MOH should be there to help with shower and batchelorette party day of help you with your dress and small errands that need to be done day of and so people can call her and not bug you day of ...everyone gets appointed jobs like groomsmen are ushers and bridesmaids help with dress etc if there are other small tasks .. but she doesnt need to be there for everything ...i would have asked your other friend that was a MOH in other weddings first if she would be able to be y
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Expert August 2019
Aliciabilly2019 · on August 6, 2019 at 2:15 PM
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Very well said
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Expert August 2019
Aliciabilly2019 · on August 6, 2019 at 2:17 PM
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I agree with you totally these other people are being crazy with responces when the bridal party has a role not to just stand there and look pretty as you say well put
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Dedicated November 2019
Nita · on August 6, 2019 at 2:33 PM
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I just have to chime in on the bra thing. If you think not wearing a bra or not shaving is gross then wear a bra and shave. But you can’t force someone else to do either of those things.

Im a DD. I rarely wear a bra because they are uncomfortable/cause me pain. That’s my choice. I would never force someone to go bra-less if they weren’t comfortable with it. I also would NEVER wear a bra because someone tried to make me. Luckily my friends like me for me and wouldn’t try to tell me what to do with my body but I would no longer be in a friends wedding if they tried to tell me that I had to wear a bra because my choices for my body were “gross”
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on August 6, 2019 at 2:34 PM
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Seeing as your wedding is a month away I don't think it matters anymore. She was never meant to go with you to plan your wedding OR support you in picking vendors. That's not even remotely something a MOH should do. That is between you and your FH and potentially any parents that were helping to pay.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 3:16 PM
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That’s a lot of money to spend on a shower! It’s evident that you must really care for your cousin It is definitely an honor and I feel like people like having the title but don’t necessarily like all of the planning and work it takes. You don’t get to just show up the day of with your dress on.. there is a lot that goes into it and as a maid of honor you should be the brides wing woman for everything, in my eyes. She probably spent $100 or less on decor. Everyone else brought food, drinks, dessert, flowers, etc to the shower. She had it very easy and didn’t have to do much. She could have at least worn a bra..
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Expert February 2020
Sara · on August 6, 2019 at 3:31 PM
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We all must have had bad experiences and got defensive? I have not had any bad experiences of the sort. Not that are wedding related. I guess I've had bad experiences with people who feel they're owed more than they're given..but most people have.

You asked for feedback. It was given to you. My response could have been more constructive..but I'm a blunt person; especially when someone is speaking the way you did about your friend. I see now that when you rant..you really rant.

Put yourself in her position. How would you feel if you were trying to do things for a friend and it was all seen as coming up short? What if you were MOH and your friend said that they should have chosen another over you? Is she aware that you're not happy with her? Maybe that's why she's checked out. I would definitely talk to her and see where she is about the situation..but not in a way that minimizes anything that she's already done.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on August 6, 2019 at 3:59 PM
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I have been in several weddings and I did everything including planning the bridal and Bach party! She is checked out because she no longer cares because she is too consumed with her own life and her new relationship to ever ask me how I am doing or make an effort to help plan. Yes, she did offer to host the shower, but she didn’t have to do much and the little that was asked of her to do didn’t get done.
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Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on August 6, 2019 at 4:53 PM
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It seems like your expectations were way too high, she got overwhelmed, and then checked out. Have you tried reaching out to her about non-wedding related topics? Seems like you need to focus on being a better friend to this person. As a side note, I would not be friends with someone who so harshly judged me on appearance (not wearing a bra) - seems like you really need to sort out your priorities. Good luck with the rest of your planning.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on August 6, 2019 at 5:00 PM
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This^^^^^^100%. Wedding Wire rules indicate you can't tell people how to post. So all this drama and you had TWO showers?
People on this board are not harsh, but when someone comes on with a clearly poor idea or is venting where they believe they are right and in reality there are shades of gray or the poster is wrong, responders are seen as harsh or rude. No, we are just saying what your family won't tell you.
Best wishes in your marriage.
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