Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

D

moh missing bachelorette weekend

Devyn, on December 15, 2021 at 1:34 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18
Saved
Reply
Hello all,
I’m in a bit of a tough spot. My BFF is getting married next summer. She’s asked me to be her MOH. We had a discussion about it. I told her that I wasn’t in a good place because my husband and I would soon be starting IVF and I wasn’t sure what that timeline was. I told her that she deserves to have an MOH who is there 100% for her and I can’t guarantee anything. She still insisted I be her MOH. We talked more about her bachelorette party. Background:My husband and I were originally told we couldn’t start IVF until March. This is because I had cancer and we have had to wait a year to get pregnant, which would land in March.
So I told my BFF that I could go to the bachelorette if we did it in February (before starting IVF). The problem now is that my oncologist gave us the go ahead to start IVF earlier than we originally were told. This would mean that I could miss the bachelorette weekend. It’s a 4 day getaway and everyone has to fly there. Flights have already been booked. My husband and I have been trying for a kid for 4 years, we’ve lost pregnancies and cancer was randomly thrown into that journey so we are ecstatic to start early. So I guess my question is… am I being a terrible MOH for not going to her bachelorette weekend to start IVF early? I am still planning it and will send decor/ party favors with the bridesmaids who are going.
I just feel terrible but also need to put my family first.

18 Comments

Latest activity by Hanna, on December 16, 2021 at 6:34 PM
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I honestly feel like this is one of those “you can’t win” situations. If the weekend was literally planned around one person’s availability and then relatively last minute she pulls out for the difference of a month or two of starting IVF, I’d probably be pretty annoyed, whether that’s fair or not.
    But I’m also struggling with infertility, and my heart goes out to you. I would give anything to be pregnant right now. IVF is not an ethical option for us, so forgive my ignorance—can you really not travel for four days? How long does that no-travel period last?
    If you’ve made up your mind not to go, I’d tell the bride ASAP and beyond party favors/decor, would still pay your full share of lodging, food and booze and also offer to cover a dinner in full for the girls.Congratulations on your remission—and I’m sorry you’re in this tough place!
    • Reply
  • S
    Super September 2022
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    First off I’m so sorry life has thrown all of these curveballs at you. Congratulations on remission and being able to pursue your dreams of growing your family!
    I agree with Kylie that it’s kind of a lose/lose situation. It kinda stinks that the trip was scheduled around your schedule and now you may not go. To answer your question, no I don’t think you’re a terrible MOH if you miss the bachelorette weekend, especially since you addressed your concerns when she asked you to be MOH. Definitely offer to pay your share of everything since it is all booked.
    Best of luck to you!
    • Reply
  • Nicolle
    Dedicated October 2022
    Nicolle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I have to agree with the above response. It's hard either way. I am not in your shoes as I am a bride, but I had a bridesmaid tell me that a rescheduled concert (from Covid) was potentially stopping her from going on the bachelorette trip. I am hurt, but I know that I will be surrounded by other people who I adore and that one missing person will not ruin my time... BUT I'm still hurt by it. I just told her she had to make the choice that was right for her and I wouldn't be a bridezilla about it. I'm not going to guilt someone into going to an event. BUT I guess it's the "I'm not important enough" feeling that lingers regardless of validity. In your case, she will be hurt if you don't go even if she knows that it's not personal. She will still have a great time without you as well. And you tried to let her know in advance where your head was at. Double-edged sword indeed, girl. UGH.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    In all honesty, if I were in your shoes, I would go to the bachelorette party I committed to going to. I say this for two reasons:
    1. Your friend scheduled the event around your schedule. Not only was this very generous of her, it also shows how much your friendship and attendance means to her.
    2. We are only talking about a month here. If you were able to start six months or a year in advance, then I would say absolutely prioritize the IVF. But realistically, one month isn’t going to make a huge difference.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    While I don’t think people should indefinitely put their lives on hold for others, this event was scheduled how it was for you. It’s exciting that your doctor cleared you to start IVF sooner than March and if that’s your priority, that’s okay, but I’d expect it to potentially alter your friendship with the bride if you choose to skip the bachelorette party.
    • Reply
  • Gina
    Dedicated May 2022
    Gina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I'm a bride but I'm a chill one. People put too much emphasis on wedding details and not enough on the actual purpose....marrying your partner. The rest is fluff. Do what is best for you. Your friend will understand. At the end of the day...its a party not the actual wedding.

    • Reply
  • Melinda
    Expert March 2022
    Melinda ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I guess I'm confused on why you couldn't do both? I've been in weddings where bridesmaids were pregnant and they still went just didn't drink..

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Agree with this. Do your best to attend but it should not be something that hinges on making or breaking the friendship. Honestly as a maid/matron of honor, your only obligation should be showing up at the wedding to support the couple. Everything else is optional including pre wedding party attendance.
    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I disagree with others saying it’s just one month why not just wait. Start IVF as soon as you are able. I too am on this horrible long infertility journey. The whole thing is a waiting game and I get not wanting to wait another month. The bachelorette is an optional party, and she isn’t getting simply a party she’s getting a vacation. IVF, baby and the journey to get there is so much more than that.
    That being said. Have you actually gotten your protocol and your timeline? Is the trip while you’ll be stimming or right after retrieval? It is possible for you to go while under going treatment depending on the time line. I just underwent IVF and am prepping for my very first transfer (eek)! If you have any questions please feel free to reach out.
    • Reply
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    You have no idea if her friend will understand, and it’s perfectly within her right to be upset and not understand, especially when she was generous and flexible enough to schedule the party around her.
    Can someone who’s done IVF or knows a lot about it explain to me why you literally cannot be away from home for any length of time during the process?
    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I can’t answer for OPs situation, but I just went though IVF. While taking stim medication you are monitored every other day with blood work and ultrasounds. That and towards the end you are Very uncomfortable. If the trip is after her retrieval she will not feel like traveling at all. I was incredibly uncomfortable for 3-4 days after.
    I know my answer isn’t 100% relevant to the original question but I thought I’d share some information.
    • Reply
  • Gina
    Dedicated May 2022
    Gina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Then that’s not a friend worth having. Sorry…
    I’m a bride and while I’m stoked to have my wedding coming up….my friends will not have to plan their lives around me and my frivolous parties. If they can come they can come if they can’t or don’t want to. Cool. It’s a bachelorette. There are worse things in life. The girl asked for options. Give yours directly to her.
    • Reply
  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes! This is the right attitude to have. The entitlement and self absorption that is becoming so prevalent in wedding couples really needs to stop. Things like bachelorettes and showers are optional extras to be appreciated if someone chooses to host and/or attend them, not anything that should be expected or think is deserved. OP absolutely should not have to put her life on hold for even a day for someone else's optional party and if the bride gets upset because she can't attend then she is not a good friend. It's fine for her to be disappointed that OP can't make it, but she has no right to be upset with OP or hold it against her.

    • Reply
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I did give OP my opinion directly, I just felt it was worth addressing your dangerous validation that her friend won’t care. This is way different than a MOH saying from the beginning that she definitely could not attend any bachelorette no matter when it was. She specifically said she’d go if it was in February and the entire trip was planned around her availability. It is perfectly emotionally mature to be upset over the MOH now backing out.
    • Reply
  • Gina
    Dedicated May 2022
    Gina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes how dangerous of me.
    • Reply
  • Morgan
    Morgan ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I guess I am going to have the unpopular response - but if you and your friend are close enough that you are her MOH, then she should be totally understanding of the opportunity for you to begin your IVF one month early and miss the bachelorette party even if it was originally planned around your first IVF start. Being disappointed you're not there would be totally understandable, but I would never ask one of my friends to prioritize a vacation over their family like this.

    I struggled with secondary infertility and only had to do IUI (it was our last round before we would have needed to try IVF) and as others have said, you are constantly monitored during your cycle and it can be really difficult to get away for even a few days because missing blood work or an ultrasound can screw up an entire month's worth of treatment. Saying to wait another month is easier said than done when you've been waiting and struggling to have a baby for 4 years, or 48 months. Those months of waiting become torturous, and I would be happy my friend would have the chance to possibly have one less month to wait.

    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    If your friend doesn't fully understand and support you, she's not really that good a friend. IVF trumps bachelorette every single time.

    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    IVF schedule trumps bachelorette party any day. And yes, one extra month is a big deal. We struggled with unexplained infertility for nearly 2.5 years before finally getting pregnant via IUI. To those people saying "it's just one month"--every month counts. If she is a true friend then she will understand

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics