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Savvy September 2021

moh Problem

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Bumblebee3, on January 28, 2021 at 12:41 PM

I was MOH a few years back for my cousin and threw a house party full of games, naughty things, gift bags for all the girls, food ranging from vegetarian options for a few of her friends, signature cocktails, hand baked desserts and much more. Since then she’s been talking about how she couldn’t wait to do the same for me and has told me of all the ideas she had planned once it was her turn which of course made me excited as I had a blast as her MOH.

Fast forward to this year when I asked her to be my MOH. I told her right away she’d be “sharing” her MOH duties with my best man, who lives out of state. He’s been wanting to throw a bach party for years as well and I told her his party would happen in the state he lives in, to which she told me she wouldn’t be able to come (that didn’t come as a surprise since she has a toddler and on top of that hates traveling).
Since I still figured she might want to do a bach party from her comments over the years, I suggested that (only if she wanted to) host something in our home state and she loved the idea (she lives 15 mins from me). Later on she said she’d only do it if it was in her backyard, not her house. I thought that might be a bit difficult due to the heat (late July) and also the overall awkwardness of her neighbors looking over to see bachelorette party favors 😅 I was also concerned as I have friends who live hour+ from her home that would have to pay a lot for an Uber/Lyft after a day/evening of drinking. My suggestion was renting a small home on Airbnb to which she immediately shot down and told me that they’d be no way she’d spend the night (a bit odd for the hostess to leave before everyone else but whatever). She also mentioned that she’d have to “ask everyone to pitch in” which also stuck me as odd as I paid for her whole party on my own (as well as the fact that I’m not having my girls pay for their bridesmaid dresses since it’s part of my gift to them so they are not spending any money for the wedding except for shoes, which will be whatever inexpensive flats/sandals they prefer). Any other suggestions I had were shot down so I just thought it better that I stick to the original plan of my out of state bach party only and she seemed relived by that and agreed it was better idea, but not before throwing in “I just feel like a crappy MOH” (which she’s said several times now). I understand she’s busy with parenting and work, which is why I haven’t relied on her as much as I have my BM or even my bridesmaid, however everyone is busy in their own way so most things I’ve been handling on my own or with FH and I’m enjoying that just fine. I just don’t know what to say to her when she brings up being a “bad MOH”. I’ll ask her small things here and there that she shoots down or is unable to answer in a timely manner so I haven’t really relied on her as much as my BM who calls me often and discusses wedding details as well as each other’s lives. Now with my BM handing the bach party and the women in my FH’s family planning our shower there’s not much I need her for other than just showing up on the rehearsal and wedding days (which I know is really the only real requirements of the “job”). And yet she still makes comments about how I did so much for her during her engagement and how she “can’t wait to do the same” yet she hasn’t done anything remotely close to what I did for her and I’m not sure when she plans on starting if that’s something she’s still looking forward to ya know?
Any ideas of what I can give her to help satisfy her role of being a “good MOH” while also not being necessary that I don’t get disappointed when she’s unable to fulfill it?

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25 Comments

VIP August 2021
Katie · on January 28, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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So I'm not sure how a Bachelorette party with more than just people who are in the wedding would go. But I would imagine you'd charge all the guests even those not in the wedding. I'd see it as like my brother got a limo and vip service at the bar for my 21st birthday and he charged all the guests for the limo and bottle service. Id think those same rules would apply with any party even bachelor/Bachelorettes.
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Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on January 28, 2021 at 3:16 PM
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A lot to answer here but I’ll try my hardest lol. She was already aware that my BM would be involved in quite a bit, even prior to my engagement so I doubt that him being made BM came that much of a surprise. However I was sympathetic to any negative feelings she may have so I made sure that we talked about it at length. Her feedback was incredibly positive and also stated how nervous she would be about her speech and asked if he could go first and things like that. Also mentioned numerous times she was afraid I’d require too much of her and as a mom wasn’t sure what she’d be able to do so I assured her that me and FH would be handling most. BM would handle anything else and I’d ask her small things that way she would be stressed out and she seemed relived (of course who can really know how anyone is really feeling but that was take away). As for the gathering I suggested to her, it was really for her to still be able to have a chance to really have a hand in planning and hosting something as at that point she had mentioned disappointment anout not being able to come out of state with us etc and I was trying to make everyone feel like they would help in whatever way they wished, which she seemed happy and excited about.

Regarding the Airbnb, it would have been for one night only not a weekend, and about half way for all the attendants to drive to, total being about $100-175 (the area is not a hotspot lol). My other bridesmaids are underage and it would not be appropriate to invite them to a bachelorette party, never mind ask them to pitch in to pay for it.
We’ve been very close our whole lives however since getting engaged she very rarely answers texts, will not take calls and as I previously mentioned won’t get together in person (that’s more understandable with COVID however she has met with other friends and family during the past months so I don’t believe that the true reason) so it makes talking to her or bringing this up quite difficult. I appreciate your questions and advice
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Expert September 2020
Amanda · on January 28, 2021 at 6:02 PM
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You really shouldn’t be going tit for tat. She is hosting a party for you as the guest. Whatever her Bachelorette party looked like has nothing to do with this. She will throw the party she can afford and is comfortable with. Accept it or not.
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Savvy October 2021
Carolyn · on January 28, 2021 at 9:10 PM
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But do you know if maybe there were restrictions in place where she felt comfortable at those gatherings? (Testing, quarantine, knowing others they were around were social distancing as well, etc.) it’s a really hard time and we do need to give grace to people that ultimately they have to make hard decisions that feel safe for them. People are allowed to have boundaries over COVID or change what those boundaries are if it feels like the safest decision for them.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 30, 2021 at 5:50 PM
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Recent TV and media aside, the traditional bachelor party, model for the bachelorette, is an activity, often a show or club with food and drink, for several hours, like 8-1am. 90 % or more I have ever been invited to, are this. And whether hosted by an individual or a group, they set the where, when, how long for, and target number of attendees. And usually the planner does something, like reserve am area of a club, or provide on limo transportation between a bar and a club or event menu. And all attendees are responsible for paying all of their share, plus a small share of the bride's costs, towards any admissions, food and drink, whether in a bar, or a central supply from a bar or grocery store. (For a shower, a group of hostesses usually split a cost all can afford, and decide the event.)
As far as I can see, she is following standard plan for a bachelorette. And you as bride are saying, that isn't enough. Something that just isn't done. Brides trading up, not done at all. If your Man of Honor is having a bachelorette in his area for those local, and she has offered to plan the one for people not on his area, how many? And she offers a reasonably covid safe yard and her bathroom, and to divide food and drink costs by the number of attendees ( in a bar, show or restaurant, or camping trip, they would pay their own.) And she has set several evening hours, then done, how is she not offering the basics for a bach party? People's transportation, or use of a non- covid safe airbus, are not the host's responsibility. You spent what you offered some years back, for her. She is working with covid restrictions, and her finances now, and she is offering what most bach do. Why are you calling this, nothing at all? Or asking to trade up? Do an overnight not offered, not covid safe, with her paying all , not the usual bach thing ( a shower thing.)
I don't see her as offering nothing. Simply, you not only want but expect, over the top, more. Not the average experience. You are putting her down for not doing more, to your expectations. When you turn down a Christmas or birthday gift as, not good enough for me, or do that with a party offered, it usually is a friendship ender. She has offered all the basics of a bachelorette. Not just, show up wear the dress. Which you describe. She must be confused as heck.
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