Throwaway account so that no one I know can find the story. Sorry for the long post, felt like details were very important to the story!
Backstory- MOH, let's call her Sarah, has been a good friend of two years. Moved to a different state and when we met, neither of us really had any close friends and we bonded a ton. We do almost everything together and she comes over to my house often. When I got engaged late 2021, she had already talked about wanting to be MOH (and used her past experience as a bridesmaid to help), and I didn't have any close friends, so we went with that. No formal question or proposal, just a mutual agreement. She helped FI plan the proposal and we consider her a close friend, so I saw nothing wrong in my decision. The proposal is where everything started going wrong.
Proposal was done over a family lake weekend with fiance's family that we had invited Sarah to. It was an hour to two hour drive from where Sarah, FI, and I live. Sarah did not speak the whole car ride. She said she was car sick, so I totally understood that, but it was incredibly awkward. It was hard to start a conversation as she refused to talk and wouldn't even turn on music. Our usual fun talkative group of 3 was very silent. I brushed it off, and we arrived at the lake late afternoon. Got engaged within almost an hour and a half of being there (was super magical and everything I had ever dreamed of - lots of tears!) and me, Sarah, and FI had fun enjoying the moment and spilling all the details of how long they had been planning the proposal with FI's family. As the day goes on into the night, Sarah becomes increasingly less interested in being at the lake with us. Attitude is off and she isn't engaging with anyone. It's been a big day, we've driven quite a bit, maybe she's just tired. We had planned on spending the night that night, and we had all brought overnight bags. Sarah pulls me and FI aside and starts asking if we can go home. Confused, we ask why. Sarah just says she would rather be in her own bed and is tired of having to be around so many people. We try to discuss this further with her, but she isn't budging and is at this point, about to grab all of our things, start my car, and drive us home herself. This came as a huge surprise considering this weekend trip had been planned for a week or two, and months for FI and Sarah as they knew the proposal would be happening that weekend. FI and I eventually have to tell in-laws that our plans have changed and we will be driving home (it's now 10pm and our arrival time is midnight). Of course we get some pushback from FI's parents, but we don't want to make Sarah look bad and just say we changed our minds. The whole way home (FI driving), Sarah is in a very good mood and extremely talkative compared to her car sick not wanting to talk attitude from before. We get home at midnight, go to bed at our house, and start thinking of wedding stuff. We start planning a "wedding weekend" to visit a venue, taste cakes, and try on dresses, all in our hometown so that parents can be involved. This is about a month and a half before me typing now, after the "wedding weekend". Everything is going great! I book appointments, I make sure times work with everyone, I get us a place secured to stay overnight (FI's grandparents), and Sarah and I discuss in the weeks leading up to the weekend how excited we are! We plan to drive to hometown Friday, spend the night, then visit venue, taste cakes, and try on dresses Saturday. Sarah even helped with appointment times.
Tuesday before the big "wedding weekend", I text Sarah our meetup time for Friday and when we will be leaving to drive to FI's grandparents' house. She calls me, sounding very confused and surprised, and asks what all we will be doing this weekend. I confirm with her that it's what we had planned before: venue, cakes, dress. She starts acting very irritating and asks when we will be getting back home Saturday as she has already made plans with sister and brother-in-law. I tell her that it could be anywhere from dinner time to 9pm. Sarah says she needs to think about some things, because she told sister that she would be able to be at plans with her late afternoon-early evening. Frazzled, I call mom and future MIL to discuss this. Mom advises me to offer Sarah an out, as this seems to be what she's looking for. Sarah has a history of flaking out of plans, but as this had been planned for a month and a half with Sarah texting me occasionally how excited she is for it, this is a very big surprise. I text Sarah a loose itinerary of Friday and Saturday and explain how I would love for her to come experience everything with me, but if it doesn't work for her now, it won't hurt my feelings and I won't force her to come.
She calls me late Tuesday night, explaining that she just can't come to this weekend at all. She cries on the phone and says that it's just too much and that the weekend is her time to decompress and relax from work. She says her goal has been to spend one day of the weekend at home each week so that she has time to clean and do laundry. "Okay, I understand, but we've been planning for a few weeks and it's Tuesday, you didn't seem to have a problem before so I'm having a hard time understanding what came up? We will be back Saturday so you can have Sunday to yourself, or you can take your own car and you can leave whenever you need to before us so you don't get back late!" is summed up to what I said. Nothing works. She can't bring her own car because she can't drive long distances (understandable if she didn't drive over an hour to work and back every day) and she just HAS to paint a bedframe with her sister (plans she made the weekend before). I give up on the conversation, tell her it's okay if she doesn't come, and that we can do other wedding stuff together later. Immediately, the crying stops, her mood changes, she says she would love to Facetime and see pics and videos of everything, and then she starts talking about other stuff like nothing even happened.
The Issue- It is now Sunday, and she hasn't texted me at all. I booked a date at my venue, picked cake flavors, and bought a dress. I posted the date and an "I found my dress picture" on social media and she hasn't engaged with either post but has sent me stuff on the same social media platform. At this point, I am quite upset and frustrated. Where did all the happy excited energy go? She planned this whole weekend with me for a month and a half, flakes out to paint a bedframe with sister Saturday afternoon (literally!!!!) and now radio silence. Come to find out, she's been at her sister's house all weekend since after she left work Friday (she told me she needed time at home?). Future SIL, MIL, mom, grandma, and FI are all very frustrated as well. We had a talk over lunch after tasting cakes about Sarah. Future SIL (bridesmaid) and MIL think she needs to step down as MOH and mom and FI thinks she needs to be out of the wedding party entirely. I am very hurt and know I need to have a serious conversation with her, but I don't know if she should be demoted to bridesmaid (potentially causing more drama) or just wait and see if she gets better (knowing her the past two years, not likely). I just feel lied to. What should I do?
