moh Shower Etiquette

If you’ve never approached the topic of them helping financially or with their time, I don’t think you can expect that they know you’re hoping they’ll help. Especially as it probably seems to them that you’ve had it all under control.
If you do want them to contribute now I’d just talk to them about it. Just something that gives them the option to contribute, but not that they’re required to.

What should have happened is, you should have called a meeting either in person /text/skype or telephone. Asked them if they wanted to do a shower. If they said yes, then privately asked each person the maximum amount of money they were willing to spend. to make plans yourself and expect them to pay would never fly in my circle. Also, you don't know anyone's private financial status. To assume they can pay is a real issue. This is why its important to let them tell you what they are willing to spend I wouldn't count on anyone contributing anything at this point. If they do it will be a bonus.

Oh wow you are so generous. Contact the other bridesmaids and let them know point blank they all need to contribute financially $x minimum to cover expenses. Or there will be no shower. Do not plan anything else. Scale back to the bare minimum if they don’t contribute, cut the guest list assuming that invites have not yet been mailed, move the venue to a smaller less expensive area. Then serve cake and coffee only.

I cannot begin to imagine what you've spent on a venue, decorations, and 70 guests (which is a ridiculous amount for a shower)! If the other BMs agreed on venue, I'd assume everyone is aware of cost and expectation to contribute. Maybe at this point tell them you've spent X and then be sure they are onboard with food/drinks and chip in for that BEFORE any of that is ordered/bought. I also suggest that you do not take the lead for any Bachelorette party. Someone else can take that on.

The best thing to do is ask them directly to contribute whatever they are comfortable with (share total cost with them).

If you didn't discuss throwing the shower all together, then I don't think you can reasonably expect them to participate in planning or the cost. I think that unfortunately you'll have to just continue doing this one alone, especially the cost, maybe you can ask if they'd be interested in helping set up or if anyone wants to lead a game or something if you want them involved.

I agree with others, unless a budget was agreed upon, or other bridesmaids agreed to host, it's unfair to split the costs. I would text each of them individually to see if any of them are willing to pitch in, financials discussions in group chats can be awkward. Do you know if all of them are even attending? Similar to bach parties, if they are not attending, they shouldn't be expected to pay.

Learning from this when it comes to bach party planning, always get budgets first. Do not buy, book, plan anything until you know how much everyone can afford, and then you go from there.

Also, just a personal pet peeve of mine (not directly aimed at you) is when anyone brings up variations of "stable jobs and no kids". It doesn't matter how much one has or how much other people think they have. Unless you are their financial planner and have access to every bill, account, etc. You cannot claim they can afford it.

I disagree with the others. I think when you accept a role as a bridesmaid you know there will be certain expenses associated with it. I’ve contributed in some way or another to every shower I’ve been a bridesmaid for. It’s expected! However, instead of asking for money, I would ask what they’re willing to volunteer. It could be food, the cake, or something small if their budget is tight. Simply send a list of everything for the shower and mark off what you’ve done and then just kindly ask for volunteers for the remaining things.

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Just a heads up. The wedding party is a chance for the wedding couple to honour the people who are near and dear to them. The honour is from the wedding couple toward their friends, not the other way around. That's it.

There is no obligation on their part to throw parties or spend money. People do it as a gift, but it's not mandatory.

I disagree that the problem should have been handled by the MOH asking the wedding party to pay or the shower gets cancelled. If the bridesmaids didn't agree to a budget or guest list (70??) in the first place this is not on them.

View Quoted Comment The question is about a bridal shower which literally entails “showering” the bride with gifts and love. This was worded strangely… Do you mean that the act of selecting people to be in a wedding party is the equivalent of the couple honoring their closest friends? Well sure. But it is also an invitation that is offered. The invitees have the opportunity to say yes or no with the understanding that there are responsibilities typically associated with accepting the role. While it may not be obligatory, standard practice is that the wedding party will contribute in some way. You’re not living in modern society if you think you can be a bridesmaid or groomsman without having some associated expenses.

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"Do you mean that the act of selecting people to be in a wedding party is the equivalent of the couple honoring their closest friends?"

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

No responsibilities are associated with the role. The wedding industry would love you to think this though so you spend more money. Saying that these roles and responsibilities are mandatory does cause unrealistic expectations for many wedding couples. We see the result here all the time, with hurt feelings because enough isn't being done by the wedding party.

View Quoted Comment I highly disagree that there aren’t responsibilities associated with the roles. Since when? Not sure where you are you getting your info! It’s tradition. I’m not saying that it doesn’t lead to conflict because of unrealistic expectations. Of course it can! But that doesn’t mean that just because you “say” there aren’t responsibilities that now there aren’t. You’d have to break years and years of tradition to set a new precedent. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a good precedent to set (less confusion, hurt feelings, etc) but that’s simply not the way it is in 2022.

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Actually, no, I'm not making this up. This is fact. There are no inherent duties associated with being in the wedding party other than getting the attire and showing up. Anyone invited to the wedding can hold a pre-wedding party. I'm perfectly aware of how things are in 2022, lol.

Many wedding couples have high expectations of all the things the wedding party is going to do only to end up disappointed. Moderating expectations is always smart in order to preserve friendships.

View Quoted Comment Haha mm no offense but I don’t think you are aware of how things are in 2022. You should probably have evidence to back up your “facts”.

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Please read around on the boards for awhile, to get the feel of things.

View Quoted Comment Every bride has her own expectations, some are very unrealistic, but the base requirements according to etiquette gurus such as Emily Post (the original not her granddaughter with opposite views) and Miss Manners are to pick out a dress and they show up the day of support you and have fun. Everything else beyond that, including hosting parties, is extra and not required.



It sounds like you are confusing tradition and etiquette. Tradition changes all the time. Just read any post about “we aren’t doing (fill in the blank anymore)’”. Etiquette does not change because it is how we navigate social situations to avoid awkward and hurt feelings and will continue to exist without change as long as the human race interacts with each other.

View Quoted Comment I did but thanks for the advice!

View Quoted Comment I don’t think I am confused. But I respect your opinion. I am also entitled to my own opinion… hence, why this is a discussion forum.